Do you know
The shape of the my mind
The glimpses I catch
Give me a fright
Pretty please tell me
What do you see?
Are the images less frightening
Than I've known them to be

How do I put it together
How does the baggage become the feather
The philosophy tells me
What Will be will be
And acceptance of the facts is the way to be free
Free of expectations
And the following disappointment
An accidental acquisition easily defeated by intention

It's a tricky facade
we entertain with mouths and lips,
giving green lights to swaying hips --
Eating white lines with ravenous tires
that don't seem to tire.
Puffing smoke and chasing barbed wire,
a heady velocity.
Bleating hunger for the bare ****** road
still unstaunched even when
leaving boots and combs at home

They told me what didn't **** me would make me stronger.
They lied.
What didn't **** me made me damaged,
Defective, unable to function at "acceptable" levels.
Traumatic experiences didn't build some great wall to fortify my resolutions in life
Instead, they shook my foundations with ferocity,
Slashing cracks down my walls, crumbling rooms to rubble

They planted bombs for later,
Little surprises once the aftershocks faded
With triggers tucked away safe, wrapped up like gifts.

No, what didn't **** me made me want to disappear
Over, and over, and over.
And even almost 7 years later,
There are still detonators being uncovered.

Sure, now I know the paths to avoid
The piles of broken memories, loneliness, and displacement
To keep out of sight.
And still,
There are some days, but mostly nights
When the bombs go off in succession
And I have to bring myself back from the dark
Over. And over. And over.

And there are some nights
Where I'm the one holding the switch
I'm the one willing my world to explode into shrapnel.
And someone else has to bring me back
Over. And over.

They lied.
What doesn't **** you doesn't make you stronger,
It makes you a survivor, even if you sometimes don't want to survive.
And it leaves you with the scars every survivor bears,
Seen and unseen.

I don't have to wait anymore
Things will soon never be the same
Landscapes will change to shapes and shades I've never seen
I won't be there, will that finally make you feign
Or at least want me or miss me just a bit
You were never decisive, you had no grit
You were like the wind, here for just a moment
And not a second more, leaving me to lament
You thought your presence was some blessing to your generation
But truth is you've never even been a local sensation

It's crazy, I barely know you right now
In fact, I don't think we're really friends
Right now my heart's screaming
"Please don't do this again"
I can't keep pretending that I don't feel anything
These feelings, I can't keep them concealed as I'm thinking
To myself, "When will I see her again?"
I know I shouldn't do this
Since my heart's a ******* mess
But you could be the piece that fills the gap that's been left
Because when I look at you, I forget,
That I see a book to be read
And yet I haven't said a single word
I know it's all for the best
Plus, I know you want better
I bite my tongue and think "It's whatever"
The biggest flaw of the heart is, it looks for love to feel better
Nothing's the same, chances I used to abhor
I don't look back to my ex, I know I'm not who she wants anymore
My heart says yes but I never listen
You were the sign I was looking for
But I keep acting like I missed it
We used to be waking up nine to five just to strive
Go to class together at seven in the morning
Besides taking these College credits
You make the journey so worth it
These feelings are worth a thousand words
Somehow I can't word it
I know there's more to find, there's more of you below the surface
The grayest skies will never dim those hazel eyes
The walks I had with you after class made me realize
That I'm not searching for something
I'm running away from the fall
If you ever got to know me
Would you understand me at all?
Temporary affections is all I see around
I've been down and out,
Writing all these feelings before it all goes South
It ***** when these feelings won't just let up
I'm love sick and I'm sick of love
I see no cure to be found
The latest nights is when it really hits me
Realizing that no one ever gets me
I don't know if you're the one
Or if I wan't you to fix me
But I'm done trying to pretend
So let me know who you are
As for the truth, honestly I'm at the end
I keep my head up high looking at you as a start

Pardon me if I said it too quickly
Until now you’ve been able to keep up with me
Here it is under the sun
The truth and nothing more
I’ll keep my baggage out of this
I won’t let it get in the way

Not this time


Or did it just happen again?

you're scared.
you're scared,
why are you so scared?
there'd be no problem if you didn't care.

i come with baggage
more than i can hold, i pray
that you are stronger

- p. winter