Baby I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean,
Meaning is that I don't want to sin
But what can I do, if I don't feel it beyond my skin!
Oh No! Oh No, that means! She's sorry again

What a fool I was, to make her bear that kind of pain
Pain that is not meant, never meant to be seen,
Something I am to avoid, so keen.
Oh No! Oh No, she's sorry again!

She asked me if I was bored, I told her not,
Hurtful words I said, I accept this fact,
I'll try my best to never repeat this act.
Oh No! Oh No, alas! She's sorry, once again!

the only way you can hate, is to love
hate is love
betrayal is trust
we were one

the words, like fire in my mouth
left scars
to keep you, i had to lose myself

but was i holding onto you
like a child that grips their teddy bear
to save them from the never ending darkness
or were you holding onto me
like a child clenching a bag with a fish
wondering what will happen if you shake it

and just like that child's foolish hope of the teddy bear protecting them
it's all just pretend
an illusion that we wrap around our hearts to shield from feeling

your words have become cobwebs of lies stuck to the walls of my mind
hands that hold my head below the surface of the lake
the lake made by the darkest parts of my mind

the soft and gentle hands that once held mine are now calloused and cold
they no longer create
instead
they destroy

it was never supposed to be like this

i squeeze the teddy bear
you shake the bag
the lake fills my lungs
i'm going to drown
my fault
your fault

we were both
too
heartless

my apology that i gift to you
is made from the tears i've shed these past few years

my love is this gift
that i hope
you accept

I am thinking of all the words that I never got to say; all of the letters and apologies, only published within my brain.

A Poetic Apology
Because doing this is easier than making up for the mistakes I made

To whomever it may concern,
I wish to grant my deepest apology for whatever it may be that you think I may have done
Although I will deny that I did it
And if i did do it
Than I had done it for a good reason
Please know that I will halfheartedly take any responsibility
This way I only have to feel half as guilty

I will try my best to make up a long list of things that I will try to change about myself
Even though I will not actually try to do them
But, if you ever bring this up to me I will remind you that these things take time

I will be trying to work on myself
As I do nothing at all
And I will be trying to improve my relationships
As I deny any wrongdoing
Watch as I fix my flaws
Without doing any self reflection

For those who do not accept my apology
I will be calling you heartless cowards
I will rake your name though the muck
I will burn down the house that we had made together
And I will be seen as the victim of this narrative

Gas lights can make for an excellent way to uncover the truth though the darkness
But, they are only effective when the right person is handling the torch

I'm sorry
my brain never tires
I'm sorry
my thoughts always race
I'm sorry
I feel I'm not good enough
I'm sorry
I care more than I let on
I'm sorry
I feel so connected to you and I don't want to let go
I'm sorry
My mind twists a good thing - constantly finding problems that don't exist
I'm sorry
I question your feelings about me
I'm sorry
for feeling sorry
But I don't
Know how
else to feel.

Your apologies
are empty and I don't give
out second chances

4:32 PM
30/11/20