A year ago...
When life was unbearable
I prayed so long and hard
For God’s peace
Which surpasses understanding
To fill me
To calm me
To steady me
So I could think
So I could breathe
So I could eat
Ending the compulsions
Ending the panic
Ending the dread
And he answered
After I took a step forward
But now I’m not sure
If I’m filled with
The peace of God
Or the peace of paroxetine
Or perhaps... both?

They’re afraid I’m not myself
That the little circular tablet has changed me
But how would we know?
Before I was crippled by adrenaline
I was so young
You can’t compare me to that
And in the midst of my darkest days...
You can’t possibly believe that’s me
Is that who you’re looking for?
Because I don’t care about everything now
It’s not perfect
But I’m not obsessive anymore
And that’s what I needed most

Another empty pill bottle
Another gargoyle to throw away
If I set it on my nightstand
It keeps the demons at bay

Today I awoke
And I could feel the tablet
I took last night
They promised I wouldn’t
But how could I not?
It’s stolen my most faithful companion
The buzzing anxiety in my gut
Replaced it with a cold calm
That I can’t tell if I like
Because I loved the fire
I used to hold inside
But it was burning me
It was out of control
So it had to be
Extinguished

I was happy
But then I got sick
Pushed everyone away
And the pills
Ward off the sickness
But they can’t heal
The loneliness it created