Recently, I've been feeling sad and alone.
I think it's mainly because I'm scared.
I'm scared that my past will come haunting me again.
I feel like I'm exaggerating but.. I'm not.
It felt like emotional abuse, mental abuse coming from someone you thought loved you, or.. At least they'd say they do, and then emotionally block you out, ignore you, blame you, make you feel like you're the problem, like everything is your fault..
And then you feel like you're going crazy.
I was mentally NOT okay..
I needed someone, but felt like I had no one
I have supportive friends, but it was still hard, or eventually, they'll get tired of you, too.
Eight months of feeling drained, tired, burnt out, feeling used, doing badly in school, my hair falling out, sleeping all day, my body constantly being in fight or flight mode, body aching, and going through changes, constant panic attacks.
I felt unheard, not loved. I was silenced, walking on eggshells, crying every day.
I lost myself to someone childish.
And well.. Because I love deeply, because I care and was hopeful. I'd say it's okay, he will change.
But now I'd never be able to get that old lover girl version of me back.
I've changed into someone who feels like they are too much and never enough.
I'm just scared to go back to all of that, to fall into that same emotional/mental state I used to be in. It was awful.
To feel like things I'd ask for was too much, that I was too much But I wasn't..
I was only asking for love, comfort, words of affirmation, to spend quality time together, to talk to one another, to have deep meaningful conversations, to connect on a deeper level of intimacy..But I mostly mean emotional connection to be able to understand each other to KNOW each other, but I guess that was too much right? Did it made you feel uncomfortable?
But you were okay with being intimate right? Touching my body, doing ****** things, even when I felt uncomfortable
But it wasn't okay to talk about our feelings right?, how we felt and the things that made us uncomfortable.
But it's okay, I'm just an idiot.
Sometimes I don't understand why I took you back when it was still hurting.
I still cry at night, I cry to your voice, I cry at the sight of you because it hurts, because I'm scared to be vulnerable with you again, I'm scared of getting used, I'm scared that you'll get drunk again and yell and speak to me harshly the way my drunken dad would to my mom.
It really hurts.
I just wanted to feel safe with someone who isn't scared of my emotions, someone who isn't scared to take care of me. I wanted to feel loved and feel known.
I wanted you to be the only person I needed in my life besides family.
But instead you made me feel so alone
I'm different now, I don't get as attached to you anymore, I don't ask for quality time anymore, I don't care if you'll be able to come see me or not. I don't care if you get mad at something I do.
I don't care if you ignore me, I don't care if you kiss me, hug me , give me flowers, because it's too late.
How do I know your being real? Genuine? honest? I don't..
Not After Everything.

To understand my feelings,
You gotta look further.
Or at least ask me how i feel,
That's a good start for sure.

And still, i might just tell you,
I feel okay, i am good,
But if you ask me to give an answer,
To explain you every mood,
With honesty in all my words,
I wouldn't hold back,
I would talk.

Behind my smiling face,
I would show you the crying eyes of pain,
The huge missing part of my heart,
The absence of your space.

And i know you didn't mean it,
But you broke something in me.
Something only you could fix,
By sitting next to the crying me.

The suffer inside is growing higher,
By each day of missing you.
Thoughts of love i can't give out,
Bleeding heartaches,
All the time.

I am a child of nature, a force undeniable
a warm April rain
that will never stop falling
an element of life

I can't stop wanting the wind beneath my feet
to set my soul free, and drift on clouds aimlessly

like a baby bird, abandoned, and never taught how to fly
by instinct needs its freedom to survive

it pounds through my veins
to follow what calls to me and never give up in trying

to be, all that is ME

and want to run, to escape from all that haunts and hurts me
to fly away

but

every time I jump from the cliffs of life and spread my wings
inevitably, the gravity of reality pulls me back down

you see

it's not the final fall that hurts the most
or the crashing into the ground

it's

that never-ending drop of eternal emptiness

that feeling
of constant descent
that lump
that forms in the back of your throat
blocking your breath

it's

the painful tightening and panic
piercing in your chest

it's

that fear of

F
E
E
L
I
N
G

of loving deeply and losing even deeper
of living without meaning
and longing for something more
of knowing life is short, but death is forever
and feeling as if you're caught somewhere in-between here and there

so, I stand still
too scared to move
not knowing any more what to do
because I've never been very good at living
without the promise of a heartbeat

and

it seems I've forgotten how to breathe on my own

but

I can't escape these memories that haunt me
and running away only brings me back to where I started
standing here, alone

::sighs::

it's all too familiar, these days that are passing me by
always coming then going
like the people, and the lost moments of my life

::sighs::

leaving me, without having the courage
to face the mirror of reality of why they left
and me standing there, alone
looking in a mirror with no reflection
if only I could learn to fly away.

©️ Dark Water Diaries

WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE
WHERE IS IT?
THE LETTERS, THE SALT, THE
****** FRIENDSHIPS
(aka. my everything)
picked apart by encrusted claws—
WHERE DID YOU PUT IT?
(inherexhuastedsmile?)
why why why WHY
DID YOU TAKE IT AWAY?
YOU, DEAR CURSED TIME, MADE ME
ALONE,
ALL I LOVED—
ALONE.
THIS DEFECT
THIS MONSTRE DE L'ENFER
lies listless, illuminated by the blue static,
ALONE.
CURSED TIME!
i already miss
what i see.
i already miss
what i have
i already miss
you.
        and it
              hurts

Knock knock, who's there
It's me, your anxiety

A nice surprise, I know
Thought I'd come for a sleepover
The kind you had when you were twelve
Stay up all night talking

We'll reminisce over times gone by
Share embarrassing stories
You go first
Actually I'll tell one for you

Remember that one time
When you actually thought
You mattered
Thought your family would help you
Hug you and maybe wipe your tears

***, so hilarious
I can't believe you actually fell for that!

And suddenly
The world goes quiet
The loud voice I once heard
Who taught me what it is to be a man
Is now, quiet

To her I could say so many things
But that would **** the last bit of me
Im desperate to be alone
To be the man who is strong
Even without his world

Sometimes I miss dancing under the stars
Dancing for so long
I would forget where I'm at
I always thought I needed a partner
But dancing alone, is art

To be a man is to be alone
I fear that being good
Means I should be strong
A man with no world
Is a man who can be free
And that man
That man is me

That’s exactly how I feel
******* see-through
My feelings don’t matter
My opinion doesn’t matter
There’s no respect
No loyalty
Is there even genuine love
I’m starting to become numb
And a numb me isn’t a good me
That’s the wrong me to expose
That’s the wrong me to be with be
It’s pointless
A numb me is a who gives a **** me
A numb me is a disappear act
Here today, gone tomorrow, literally
A numb me is **** your feelings
**** respect
And why should I respect something that you don’t
I can’t fault the next *****, you opened the door
A ***** not gone respect **** you don’t respect
That ***** don’t owe me ****
But you owe me everything
Oh, why you say?
Because I gave everything
Even when I didn’t have it to give to myself
This feeling in my stomach has been here for a god three weeks
And it’s only getting worse
A ******* hopeless romantic
Dummy