once you were gone i stopped writing
and hand in hand with the words unpoken
left the wholeness you had planted in my heart
when you turned around i could see snowflakes imprinted on your back
staring daringly at the little tree growing in my chest
i tried to protect and nurture the words in my brain
that after all were just the leaves of what had once been a seed in the form of a single look
the cold that filled your absence
froze the river that had watered my mind
and each leaf one by one turned yellow then brown before it sank to the bottom of it all
left naked and vulnerable, the tree, it died as the did the words
while i watched the sun and warmth that you embodied get into a car
and drive away without looking back

everything happened so fast
we cried
i left
and just like that
it was all over
like we hadn't meant anything
as if we hadn't loved each other
it was nobody's fault
except for maybe life's
we had promised to stay together
a promise we couldn't keep
i wonder whether i am the villan
you stayed behind waiting
miserable is all you were
i couldn't watch
and he made it so easy
easy to forget
how much i loved you
despite the ocean between us
you saw me being happy
and you hated him for it
and i hated you
for not wanting me to be
you made my life colorful
it all faded without you
i was scared of the dull grey
and he sparked a fire, brought light
it felt like being saved
how unfair to want that
i disgust myself

We slump,
cracks in the cumin seed siding
outside the police station,
stale air suffocates the sun
as it sinks below
a creek and a trash heap

visa papers
clutched like the cloak of God,
a 100 rupee note crumbled in your jean pocket -
just in case.
is it a crime to expect the worst
in spite of order?

blazing dry heat smothers our lungs,
we resemble
shrunken palm leaves held only
by the stone above us.

no one tells you
being an immigrant
is being a stallion
front hooves tied knotted
course rope
chaffing at your ankles
holed up in a greener pasture
gnawing at tender leaves
while watching
acres away
those you love
wild and free, wind
whistling against their cheeks,
a throbbing ache to be with them
but knowing you cannot.

day and night
my thoughts are running in circles around you

at the break of dawn
i recall every minute, every second, every breath, every touch
when the sun sets
my brain conjures new memories
intertwining the real and the imaginery
afraid of letting you go completely
scared i might forget
the pierce of your brown eyes, the intensity of your cologne mixed with the scent of a gin tonic, the food stain on your pink hoodie, the raspiness in your voice
when you told me you needed me too

i know you have left
but does that mean you are really gone?

Queuing at the airport the flights non-stop
Off to Benidorm  in a football top
Pants three quarter, tattooed arms
Overweight Wife with ample charms

Check-in complete & straight to the bar
It’s only 6am but they don’t care
Their duty free stuffed in to Lidl bags
*****, whisky & 400 ****

They’re now half cut & the kids start to cry
They board the plane & they sit nearby
A 2hr flight with the family from hell
Hoping they’re not staying at your hotel

You’re all on the coach now & on your way
They smell of cigarettes & body spray
He turns around in a right old state
And slurs at you ‘Where ya staying mate’?

Through gritted teeth and raw contempt
You tell him the El President
‘Same as us’ he says with pride
Stretching his pants to squeeze his gut inside

The El President has lost its charm
My wife looks forlorn as she grabs my arm
As in the lobby with kids aloft
Are 100 more slobs in their football tops..

right outside our tiny refuge
lives a magnolia tree
strong and beautiful

blossoming only for a handful of days
we find its beauty in pastel colors so brief yet breathtaking
to be adored year after year without fail

only in the perfect spot will a magnolia thrive, your grandma says
how do you know whether you've found it?, i ask
you don't until you plant it, you answer

a little breeze
tickles the back of my neck
missing a scarf
just to feel the winter air
uneven ground
endless bumps under my feet
puffs of smoke
attack my lungs consistently
miles a day
building muscles and endurance
birds everywhere
truly are the rats of the sky
coffee con leche
makes me miss home even more
foreign words
understanding bit of conversations
room with two beds
proof of a difficult time here
sky below
finally flying back to my world