I thought about you
The sun was shining irregularly for such a winters day
And I remembered how much you loved the sunshine
I remembered how much you loved me and how promises of forever had flown from your lips all the way into my arms that were stretched out ready to catch them.
Words really are just words
Because on the hottest of days you were so cold
And there was so much space between us
What was unsaid was still heard
And it really hurt-
My heart,
But that’s just how some stories go.
The polarities between you and I
Were now so vivid in my minds eye.
Bus journeys sat in silence
Dinner eaten without a word spoken
A love we thought
But now totally broken
And the contrast between you and I
So vivid and unpredicted
In my minds eye.

How to be a human
how easy it must be
to walk and talk,
to have eyes and see!

But what you don't consider,
are the emotions it brings,
our feelings are diverse
like summer and spring.

What we must encompass
in this vast human world
a strength deep within
while our stories unfurl.

Typical earthlings,
With their generic views.
Oh I’m bored of these earthlings,
And all the things they do.

I built a wall you couldn't climb
you dared to jump
but it was too high
The Nephilim wouldn't be able to tear these bricks down
and you said it in passing
as the red buses passed us by.
Our fingers brushed
but couldn't intertwine
you looked at me
while I faced the other side.
By now, I thought you would have given up
A patient man
A patient man
I was grateful for your patience
and you were grateful for me
but at what expense?
I built a wall so high
that no one could climb
so high
so high
it surpassed the sky

I loved you,
you didn't love me back
it was enough to bring on a heart attack

What a wild illusion my heart did desire
all the while
my feelings burned in the fire

I must abstain from falling in the trap,
I must,
I must,
please don't take me back.

I cannot even
fathom
how happy I will be
when I see you
again

It was so frustrating that a song
a lyric even
just words really,
would transport me back to the memories of a boy.

He was the beginning of summer
unable to keep me company in the coldest winter.

And the sad reality of the current moment in time was that
I must set my heart free
from this middle place.

The last few days of summer,
we picked up Chinese food -
as we walked home -
it was still so warm -
even at 9pm -
and the slow trickle of rain made us think we were in Thailand or one of those tropical countries we'd always spoken of travelling to.

Speaking of -
we talked about religion and you told me there was no such thing
just rules and beliefs that we attached to
in order for some purpose.
You asked me to pass you the sweet and sour sauce
because the food was bland
and you hated anything lacklustre -
if it was -
you didn't want it -
so sometimes I was surprised you wanted me
and while we carried on talking about faith and people
i was distracted by this thought but too distracted by fear to ever echo it aloud.

There was silence between us -
tired from it all -
bodies now aching -
but how content I was -
and i basked in how comfortable and satisfying
the sound of nothing was -
no interference -
no white noise -
i didn't know that a sound could taste like home

The nights will get darker
and we will be surrounded by a black sky.
The chill in the air
will bring a tear to your eye.

And how they longed for the return of the summertime
utterly convinced that it was an epoch of sublime.

Surreptitiously the sombre sky was of no burden to me
for I understood that yin and yang would last for eternity.

We must experience dark
to truly cherish the light
so please don't be afraid
on these bleak winter nights.

Something tied us together
you said it was
invisible string
the thing that brought us back
when we tried
separating.
A thousand ways to leave
a thousand ways to stay
anything can change in just one day.
Wondering what if,
we wandered apart
invisible string
brought us back to the start.

The rain it came
it wouldn't stop.
My heart beating fast
like the bellowing wind on the trees.
A myriad of thoughts stormed my mind
like a flood,
aligned with the rain
thud
thud
thud.

One at a time,
I set my thoughts free
I threw them across
like pebbles on the sea.

How fatuous was I,
to weigh myself down,
the precarious position has now spun around.

One last drop fell from above,
now the sky is as clear
as clear as my mind
the domino effect is never far behind.

Why are you not sitting on your chair in the kitchen
waiting for me to cook you something nice, I had promised after all
and it's been too long that you've been missing.
Watching you in the living room reading your Tolkien books but they have outlasted you
for you are not there
and they sit untouched on the tall bookshelves,
I look at Mr Bliss sometimes
until it makes me upset and I swiftly put it back with the others.
Lonely guitars now sit
with no one to play them
won't you return to play Along the Watchtower
and I promise I'll sing along this time.
Can you please answer my questions about magic?
Magic you are to me.
I look at pictures of you and us until my eyes cannot continue the flood
there was too much love
and not enough time
I cannot help but be reminded of you
there are so many memories
of what we went through.
Countless attempts  to bargain with God
for you to come back
but he will not agree
it's too late
my broken heart will have to be.

In the pouring rain -
i felt the rain
and while it bounced off me like the window pane
all i could feel was your pain -
and i wanted to take it from you
like thieves in the market do,
never to return
again.

What did they say to the children of tomorrow?

                          A leader can only lead, if one will follow.

You weren't yourself
you didn't tell us you were leaving
but we knew you would
and if only you could see
We have all changed now
in our own ways
I can't remember us changing like this before
and maybe it's because you haven't been here

The gift of remembering is a terrible thing,
Memories of the past, a tear will bring.
But before ignorance clouds my brain
I must abstain from pretending the intractable pain -
Of life doesn’t exist,
For it impacts us all throughout our lives,
And so does joy - allowing hurt to subside.

I must remember,
How dare I forget!
My ambivalence towards memory is something that didn't last,
Ironically another memory in my mind’s past.

I stared at your writing
You had written your name to remove a book from the library
The orange paper now fading
Your ink in red
I imagined your hand holding the pen
Paper you probably thought so insignificant
The significance to me colosal
The subject matter one of my interests
Shared between you and I
Words we will now not speak
Conversations we will never have
I study your writing
And I will think of you instead.

How magnificent is that moment
when we realise
what we have been searching for
the blinding light
it came from you

Follow me into the night
the dark sky has never shone so bright

Follow me into an incandescent realm
the future awaits
so only time can tell

You are like me
and I am like you

You wished for me
and I wished for you too

Our divine lives
are not just to be
there is more on this earth than what our eyes can see

When it rains, it pours
and I don't know what to do.
When it rains, it pours
and I shouldn't be missing you
and I shouldn't be missing you.

I looked for you
I found pieces of me
I picked them up on the way.

Still not whole,
but still not fully broken.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know if you were really here
I'm not sure how but all the memories have disappeared
whether they were suppressed
it was probably for the best
and everyone is trying to suggest -
to me
that I talk to someone outside of the family
and try to gain some stability.
But all I can really think about is the journey you went through.
In the end
words can never mend the loss of one of your first friends,
one of the first people that held your heart.
My dad, the one who was there from the very start.

Oh I wish you knew
All the things I would do
Just to remain
In an eternity with you.

Today a thousand tears I cried
because you are not here by my side
although I have tried to dismiss as many memories as I could
today proved difficult
because it is your birthday
and it is hard to forget giving you a birthday card
and I cannot remember the last time I said 'Dad'
it is so odd to say aloud
and I wonder if you can hear.
I hope I grow up to be just like you the child inside of me screams so loud
because you really were the magic of it all
and I couldn't see your light
as much as it shines so powerfully now
the fondest memories if I allow myself to remember
and I wish we had written together
Do you remember making me sing while you played guitar
House of the Rising Sun
I wish we could go back
I will try to remember
and I love you Dad,
Happy birthday to you.

Heartbreak had us at our knees
making pacts with God
for him to piece together this old friend of mine

Feeling pensive
feeling you
thought of all the **** we put each other through.

Rained tonight
sky's warm and still bright
maybe we'll see a rainbow
you said we just might.

I hated the police sirens
because I couldn't hear what you said

Come closer and sit with me for a while
it's been a moment
since we were wild.
I hope now we're older we can elevate
I hope the sirens stop
so I don't miss a word
and I hope everything I said
you heard.

I ran for the bus -
late again -
it took off even quicker than you did
and I felt myself walking along steady with the breeze for company
no real conversation there -
provoking thoughts to spin endlessly in my mind
which they did -
from time to time.

You left us and we weren't ready to be here without you
your jigsaw puzzle
a third of the pieces were missing

Mother Earth weeps
The devastation of the planet creeps
And humanity longs for peace
Everything signifies utter distress
Little remains
just hopelessness.

And the world watches as Mother Earth weeps
And the children have nowhere they can sleep
And people call this civilisation
Yes people call this civilisation

The killing and hatred of our brothers
Race, colour, creed, religion and others
This ideology is fallacious
There will be a time when we are conscious

The pain, the suffering and killing heaps
Yes my brothers this armageddon leaps
Annihilation
Our infinite trepidation
Another moment in time  
and we will
all be
gone

When the barren land is a sea of grave
The lightning bolt strikes the inner caves
And purge the core till it bleeds
no more
Humanity shall cease
forever more.

A love that was deeper than the sea
a love that grew between you and me.
The one I thought was the apple of my eye
the one I thought would never make me cry.
The toughest storms yet we made it through
nothing would come between me and you.
I wonder sometimes if it means more to me,
I guess it's hard to measure something you'll never see.

This morning I was filled with an inconsolable hurt
And I noticed everything on my way to work…
The man in the grey coat reading his kindle
The blonde lady telling her friend about how she was newly single
I saw the small schoolboy leap on the train
I could tell he didn’t want to be late for school again
I became aware of the fed up look on the train drivers faces
They looked as though they were exhausted of coming to these places
I observed a handsome young man give the old lady a seat
Everyone smiled and thought, isn’t he sweet.
I grimaced when the barrier decided to trap the man in the suit
He cried and complained that he should have taken a different route.
I noticed everyone but nobody noticed me…
Because the pain I felt made me as still as can be…

Our unique fingerprint
not one the same
it couldn't be serendipity that our blueprints are so distinctly different.

Oceans apart
yet the one moon we all share
that which brightens up the darkest of skies.

It made me think there is more to this human life
than we could ever think of in this lifetime, at least.

Another glass to fill the void,
The pair cavort and make more noise.

In the picture I stood with this brash man,
he thought he was part of my story
but he was merely part of my plan.

He boasted of his profligate ways
and his tenacious stance was enough to run away.
I told him to cease the pablum jumping from his lips,
he told me he would,
if I would give him one more kiss.

But one was enough
and even that was the mistake,
a fool I was but these decisions we do make.

We drank and spoke so I could forget the past
the acrimony within me, it couldn't last.
His affectation did not pass me by,
But I let him be garrulous as I looked in his eye,
besides what was the harm,
I was only trying to pass time,
desperately trying to move forward
as I couldn't rewind.

A glass broke as we spoke
An augury? I hope not,
I've had it all,
I've had my lot.

A misguided love, my heart fell victim to
He was the trap  
And they said they knew
But sometimes your own eyes are blind to see
A love impure and full of inequality
Now the betrayal is insurmountable
He said he holds both of us accountable.

We cried out that our feet were sore
walking into eternity you and I
you said you would carry me
but I didn't want to get carried away

and I didn't want to weigh you down
even further
because I knew what you had taken on your shoulders
and I would never add to that

I didn't need to vocalise
you knew
and we smiled
as we walked into our fate.

I'll always love you but I need to walk away
and there you went
before I could even have my say

I'll always be here but I need to walk away
you were unable to meet my eyes
and i thought about all the things that had tied
us together
and how we had unravelled
so ferociously
like a ballet dancer
pirouetting
endlessly

I'll always think of you but I need to walk away
thoughts we didn't need
please
do not remind me
of a time I'd rather forget
memories that need to be left in the past
and maybe they will become less and less as time passes
as we both walk away

When you feel like the battle has been lost
remember one thing
you chose every moment
and there was nothing in this world you could not carry

And they hid the strongest power in the world
inside of you
Knowing, it was a place
that would never be searched.

How could I possibly assimilate the picture that you drew
An array of colours
My world you already knew

You told me I could have it all if I tried,
I could hold the world in my hands
if I put my fears aside.

The veracity of the universe is palpable to me,
I asked and I received
working with the cosmos in true harmony

The inexorable truth that I could acquire it all
I couldn't at first fathom
so you picked up your pallet and painted my desires
you knew this would set my heart on fire -
and it did
you lured me in
although aligning with a celestial force
this world I am within.

I listened to the wind
and I listened to the rain
as though I was waiting for my benediction
but that never came.
My intuition told me to continue on this trajectory
to disallow my foibles to take a hold of me

My father asked me, What the hell are you doing?
Father, I said, the chasm between us has been brewing -
for a while now and I must leave -
there is a magnificent path I have begun to weave.
The disheartened look on his face left me with a heavy heart
but sorry father homogeneity is something of the past.
At one with the cosmos but he would never understand
I kissed him goodbye
before things got out of hand.

Father I wish you could see me underneath this pink sky
so beatific within the rapture
tears of joy I cried.

I lay my book down
and stared up at my grief,
why are you still lingering?
There had been so much loss
of love
and life
I wasn't going to repay this forward
I buried it with the rest of the memories
at least they had each other.
When you feel like I have drifted
just know that sometimes I need to find solace
in my self
and this feeling was not a reflection of you
but we are reflections of each other
mirror images
all of us -
one by one
- one.
While the universe had given me you
I would refuse to give you back.
You were the answers to the myriad of questions
and somehow I let you know
that I would never leave you behind
in any sense -
it made sense,
for our lives had already seen enough.

I wanted to show you all the magic

you didn't even glance


why can't you see what the universe keeps telling you

it's very clear

if only you'd ask

Here you go again
telling us what's wrong

You tell me the same story with a different character this time,
all I can think is,
you need to learn your lesson before you can move on
the universe isn't finished with you yet
it hasn't even started.

There is a group of us that like hip hop too
we smoke ****
we play blackjack
and laugh
really we're just like you.

Sorry if we are misleading,
because Rosie did say that we look just like punks
but I had my twisted mind set on being unconventional
and I didn't mean to startle you
but it's just the way I am.

Memories are on replay of listening to our favourite jams
and you asked in the morning if I wanted jam on my toast
but I just asked you to pass me the doobie -
oh, and I'll have a cuppa please
that would be a nice combination.

We had bloodshot eyes after a wild night out
I think we stayed up for two days,
and although my head was half shaved
we were just like you.

Our cliques could have mixed because really
we are all the same.

I wish you would stop searching for love
within people
and things

the only place you'll find it is if you search within.

It should have been home and instead it was the equivalent of rounds of no Brexit deal tribulations
We were largely at war, it was the Renaissance of our sour relationship
which we thought had been swept under the bristles of the front door mat
but the residual anger had decided to rise to the surface and encompass our relationship once again
Relationship is a funny word, almost,
it is like we are on a ship, facing the tides and the currents
the smooth sailing -
but that never lasts, not really.

I leave the house and feel your eyes burning behind my back
you're not sure if I will come back -
because he didn't
but you've asked me to leave as it's now destroying you.
I'm not really sure what you mean because you've never properly explained not in a coherent way anyway.
All the words get lost
letters are muddles up and now there's a slanging match with words that aren't even in the dictionary,
I look them up later to check.

I've had enough
and so have you
some relationships don't last until the end instead they sail and drift away.

Trying to chase after you
you you
wouldn't even look round at me
Once you have your mind set
It's settled
Your mum even said how stubborn you are
just like her
but I would learn to love you
or put up with it
in her words
And I even stopped the ladies in Wandsworth Common
I did
They were bemused
And I was confused
but all of this was really old news
because you had decided to choose something new
In reflection
I suppose
I shouldn't have so much disdain
for something new
it's a feeling I should
I suppose
get used to.

I told her to stop sharing her grief
we had all felt it
but no one else really cared
and would want to be burdened with all that sorrow
sometimes you think,
it might lighten the load
but there are so few now
that really care

She was really creative

just like me

But the sparkle in her eyes was hard to see

It was obvious she wanted to follow her dreams

But she told me, dear life is not what it seems

How am I supposed to become this star?

I am not you, I can only go so far.

I put my head in my hands because I felt her despair

as an afterthought I didn’t want my actions to give her a scare

I changed my stance,

I gave her a glass and I told her

LOOK, this is as FULL as YOU

You are filled with a vital substance too!

I came from nothing, did you know that?

No you didn’t because I do not disclose the facts.

The BIGGEST fact is what I will tell you now,

is that YOU are ME,

we are one somehow.

You are the voice that told me no

but something stronger told me

GO

You are right this life is not always what it seems

which is what propelled me to chase and capture my dreams!

Won't you stay a while
and sit by my side
because you know, our ephemeral lives are tired

Watching you cry,
i felt it too,
my shoulder will always be there for you

One thing that bonds us all
the pain we feel
the seasons that pass
it makes it all real

Won't you let me comfort you
to help you find solace after all you've been through

A minute gone,
An hour past,
This life
this life
it does not last

Yeah you know, I felt as though I owed it to you
I'm sorry for these last years,
And I guess you were too.

Far away
you could say
but inscribed in my heart
are your last words
that nothing could really keep us apart.

How sad it is when I think of the past
when I look back at the last years
the grief tore us apart
and we let it in fact
no one held back
and no one admitted how much we ached when you left
there was no one ready to sweep up the mess.

I guess I really owe it to you
and all I can promise is what I will prove.