I live in perpetual circumstances of fear, guided by the palpitation in my heart and the heaviness of my breath
It’s as if the whole world exists around me and within me, as if I am separate and yet anxiously connected
I wish I could call it beautiful

there is so much beauty in the world, yet I hold hands with the ugly
I am held by the tentative and cradled by the impermanent
my mind is a filing cabinet of negative possibilities and tragic happenings,
tucked away in the abyss

there is so much to see and yet my sight is clouded
so much to learn and yet my judgment is tainted
it’s like I am walking with fractures, and no one can see the casts wrapped around my ankles

all I want is to feel like my limbs are healing themselves, my heart is relearning how to pulse love through my veins, and my lungs are slowly expelling the toxins that have been making it so hard to breathe

but all I feel is my body rejecting health,
choosing to remain uncured
the pain magnifies, my senses weaken
and all that keeps me connected with those around me
is a force that presents myself to the world in such a way that the bruises painted on my skin
appear as a testament to the  journey I went through to smile again when indeed I am still being beaten

auras swirling, igniting like a chemical reaction
our bodies fill the entire room, yet they stand so far apart
our eyes lock, and there is nothing but the potent sense of remembrance
I almost see myself behind the coppery hues

feeling your skin against mine reminds me of flowing water, sending waves over each other’s  inner essence
I long to get closer, to know if it was ever really me that I saw behind your eyes
or if you’ve been choosing to keep your distance because of the way mine stare back at you

on an ordinary day,
i would gaze into the mirror and watch sunlight radiate from my skin's inner essence
all the little ridges and curves kissing my spine seemed to have transcended from the stars themselves
and every scar seemed to display my life’s most earth-shattering moments,
moments so powerful that they broke through the rooted filaments of my flesh
i remembered what i have been through and have an overwhelming sense of my own inherent magic.
  
every day i've ever had that was like this one, you’d see me holding my head up high, with my shoulders ***** and my lungs full of the purest laughter
you'd think of me as the walking embodiment of strength..

and I loved those days, to my core.

but today,

i seem to be looking at a mangled body
bludgeoned by passersby that manipulated their way past the sunlight and the stardust
i see strangers kicking through the door to my infinite touch

and I fear that the sun-kissed glow of strength that my skin habitually lathers itself in, just masks the battered body of a woman whom wishes that she were strong enough to let her scars heal before letting someone else trace over them with blades

there is so much shame in my entanglement with you. there is shame in how quickly my ears perk up at your lukewarm remarks. shame in the way i incessantly trace back steps i took to heal myself from your initial scrutiny. shame in the way i bleed for you, whilst you pretend not to notice.
my mind is scattered with hundreds of differing perspectives, flooding my thoughts with plans of escaping you, while still keeping my pride. I refuse to acknowledge how i give you the softness that i need to be giving myself. i think i do this all because you aren't available to receive love from another human being. my ego likes to think your indifference is an attack at my self-worth, but I've seen my mangled toes, and i know the injuries are a direct result of walking down my own unique path of self-sabotage. the pain i seek from you  validates the self-hate i hold in my heart. i want to think that your presence in my life is a wake up call, making it abundantly clear the mileage of self-love i need to run before i can ever accept what i deserve. and i deserve way better than you, i know that. i really do. but at the same time, waiting for you to put in the work towards being what i deserve, is something i feel i could wait for forever.

the state of mind you trapped me in when you locked me inside my own body, confining me to perceive the natural motions of life as if I’m falling from a twenty-story building and perpetually climbing back up the stairs

I have fallen on this same pavement so many times before that I can mutter every name of its  frequent passerby’s, i can mentally trace every skid-mark, every link to your DNA from your musky scent to your bristled hair follicles

How you’ve managed to follow me everywhere I go though I haven’t laid eyes on you in two years,
how those around me sigh with hopeless exhaust when they countlessly attempt to rescue me from another inevitable fall onto the cold concrete,
How you breathe fresh air that holds your feet up from the ground, saving you the trouble of having to empathize with Mother Earth’s raw flesh beneath  you

Yet, I am still heaving through corrupted lungs, still swelling the epithelial tissue lining my throat,
still expectorating old memories just to swallow them again and again, each time forcing me to upchuck ****** acid from a place inside of me that implies no medical explanation

I have become so sick and fractured that i can no longer see,
I cannot hear, I cannot speak
But somehow when I touch, all of my delusional senses return as a shadowy figure that resembles the monster of whom I fear most

My vision funnels in, and out
until I feel nothing but the same cold pavement cushioning my bones like a disjunct lullaby

And as my mind melts into a dissociative puddle of nothingness,
I plant my feet on Mother Earth’s raw flesh, and her magnetic waves of energy wrap around my nimble toes, bringing me back to the staircase upward

sometimes I wish I wasn’t cursed with this unquenchable thirst for freedom,
I wish I could lye faithful to a moment rather than daydreaming about what it is next my heart and lungs will sink themselves into, without ever really acknowledging their incessant urges for a steady pulse

There are very few moments I’ve held onto and allowed every element to melt into my being,
as if soluble with breathing skin

I wonder which moments are easier to dissolve in,
which burn and which sting
Which submerge you in feeling, in an everlasting ocean of converging electromagnetic fields

And which seem to be happening in another dimension,
one other than of life,
one in which stagnates and inaudibly negates the concept of time,  
as if it passes right through,
these moments, i know all too well
and yet, its as if I don’t really know them at all

hot blood, red cheeks, burnt lips, and smoke incapacitating my lungs, i heave through the fire in my home
clouded judgement, feelings of hopelessness, i run through my home to find a place where i can feel safe to open my eyes
a place where my lungs are free to experience breath without tentative hesitance, where my senses are in allignment
i search for hydration, for a holistic cleansing of the soul, for a second chance to reclaim this home i have been so careless in
when i finally see myself
my sense of sight funnels in and out
has my skin always looked like this?
who let me destroy my home?
there is nothing to put out the fire
my skin revolts against my bone as my pulse laryngeally stabs me in protest of my reluctance to acknowledge the pain
i am ready to give into the flames, to be a soul of light
to transcend the blazing in my heart, in my veins, in my brainwaves, to go through this life, with open, kindled eyes, a fiery spirit
lungs of feathers
making it obvious that i have scars,
because every aspect of my being,
burns.

blue irises bruise my lungs and I’m suffocated by the fact that they have a right to their separateness and have no obligation to exist for me

they were so beautiful that day at the beach and were orchestrated with the sun pouring down onto your cheekbones, illuminating your smile and I just remember feeling so lucky that they shine for me, and only me

it started storming and you held your cotton t-shirt over my head to shield my head from the rain, protecting me from the universe
you looked up at the black sky and I watched you fall in love with the stars and the way they validated your sense of belonging in the universe

the way you held my head in your palms and kissed my damp forehead, blue irises turning black, like the sky, right before you told me goodbye

I look back at that day and think about how strongly I believed that you belonged to me
how the blue effervescence of your eyes, the purple in your veins, the oxygen in your lungs all belonged to
me

how another human being, somehow, was mine to own

but when I felt the pain you left clinging to my soul like a leech, combusting my neuro-pathways, altering my mind like a degenerative psychedelic drug, leaving me battered and worn out

i realized that the only thing I bring into this universe that is mine to keep, that will stay with me until the day I die,
is me
and I don’t know what hurts more

i kissed the reflection of my own lips upon glass, and placed my hand gracefully in my hair, grooming and relaxing my restless, scathed body
i grabbed a lock of hair from the mid-section, watching the hundreds of stragglers begin and end their hopeless journey towards the tiled floor, and collected the strands between my fingers to place them in their designated abyss of uselessness

i looked back into the mirror, acknowledging my own image

today, i said

i pulled my heart off the hanger in my closet, grabbed my lungs from the shelf, and retaught my body the process of living

living, i said, you're still living, whether you like it, or not

my eyes became distracted, inverted, and regressing to a time when i couldn't look pain right in the face, and pain couldn't bare to look at me either.
my lips go cold, void of the warmth provided to them by copious amounts of unconditional self-love. my lips curl, my heart palpitates.

i always used to wonder how someone could swear they loved a person so much that it could **** them, and how it could be possible for a feeling so strong, and so real, to abruptly reach extinction, as if it never even existed in the first place
but as i finally had the strength to look pain in the face,
and pain gathered enough might to do so too,
i realized she's the one i kissed today
in fact,
she's the one i've been kissing and inviting in to recieve my love
everyday

i held your hand, felt the indentations in your skin, traced along veins and thumbed the bristled hairs on your forearms
i never noticed how soft your skin was by nature,
how you exist numb to the universe around you,
hairs aligning conveniently to guard your irreparable tissue,
eyes hollowing toward your skull, sinking in deeper with every interrupted breath

b r e a t h i    n      g
you let the air escape your lungs as our hands grasp hold of each other
inhale, exhale,
r e l e    a      s          e
as your hand embraces gravity and lies lifeless and cold,
i was the only one holding us together
how long have you been gone?

it's not my fault
i had to let go
i had to let go
i had to
i had to
i had to

to be kissed by him is to be trudging along a sidewalk in the midst of November, alone, cold, searching in the solemn for something to put an abrupt stop to your melancholy, and allow the coldness to heal the hot blood flowing from your open wounds,

a light blue car passes by you and it's playing the song you haven't heard since you were fifteen and in love, naive and in love, but feeling the warmth that love brings in every molecule in your body, filling your lungs and oxygenating your blood with familiar rhythmic groupings and effervescent notes  

your head lifts from your chest and the blockage from your ear canals drain and suddenly you can hear sounds that perpetually stimulate your heart strings, tugging and pulling, allowing tears to accumulate and flow through your ducts until your universe is no longer recognizable and in a state of nostalgic, aqueous disarray

you wipe the tears from your eyes,
you open your eyes,
you look into his eyes,
and oh god, you can see.

as i lye on the wrinkled sheets that hug your plushy mattress and your fibrous tissue, i watch as the purple-blue veins vertically lining your forearms branch out, connecting with the arteries in my fingertips, tying in bonded knots and transporting the honey-sweetness of your essence entrancingly with the music in mine

i can feel the soft vibrations from the pulsing of your heart sounding to a beat as delicate as my exhalations that spill out onto your sleeping skin

your lips hold the pitches to my favourite melodies
your eyes have the taste of the most nectarous flower that saturates my stomach with petals and leaves me so full and in my most natural form
i watch as the voice i hear and the skin i touch transforms me into a new being
one unafraid of having a new favourite song
unafraid of the uncertainties of the universe
unafraid of being new
fresh, and new

i see you, and suddenly i remember how to sleep
how to inhale, exhale, then shut my eyes so the world can again fall to subtle ease
i wish to lay on your pillowy, pink lips
your arms, my blanket
you sing to me your words that flow melodically
my heart remembers this lullaby,
my lips flush red, you kiss them as if you have't slept in a million years, and i am comfort
i remember to open my eyes
there you are
please don't fall asleep

how many stars do you see tonight?
I wish I could make out the constellations
but when I see a glimmer of light in the sky it looks more like an escape route to a better world
If I trace Orion's Belt on my wrists the  aqueous stardust bleeds from my capillaries and I can understand why a universe outside of this one may be a better place for me to reside
I keep tracing my skin with the lens of my telescope to search for planets I have yet to know
Maybe there's a part of me I haven't discovered that will let me know where I'm supposed to be
Maybe I'm not there yet
Maybe I will be soon

if I tie your wrists to the arms of a chair, until your fingers turn purple and muscles tense up for lack of circulation, your limbs incapable of movement, your body no longer under your control, do you think I could match the pain you made me feel when you decided my body belonged to you?
If I lock you in a jail cell, seven feet by two, key between my palms scraping against my flesh, blood dripping from my open tissue because somehow you still hurt me even when you can't touch me, do you think then maybe I could escape from thoughts of you breaking free, able to invade me again?
if I drown your eyes in hydrochloric acid, would the color burn away like the way you stole the color in mine? Like the way you stole the colors from my life?
I can only see in meaningless shades of grey, for the rare moments I actually choose to open my eyes

when you slid your tongue down my torso and bit into my skin with your carnivorous incisors to write your name
when you penetrated my soul with an uninvited spirit to shift mine out of the way
when you decided I was no longer inside of my body, for I had to make room for you
you forgot to bury my mangled corpse and
you left me to the ground to be fed on by the animals with blood on their breath
and I'm running out of meat

kiss the blood off of my lips, describe to me what my humanity tastes like
when your hands are around my neck, can you feel that i am human?
after you look me in the eyes, i watch you turn away
you are searching for the soul those eyes were made for, you recognize my soul is a restless wanderer
you will not find me
you cannot taste me
you cannot feel me
but i am still here
i will let you know where i am
when i'm finished looking

i dreamt that I tasted honey on your lips and encompassed your veins with my fingertips
an eyelash fell entrancingly down on your flushed pink cheek
"Make a wish"
I kissed it off your face as you closed your eyes, inhaling the universe into your lungs
your eyelids like pillows providing comfort for your gentle visceral organs
I didn't ask what it was you wished for
you held my body so tenderly and soft
your imaginary touch put me into such a deeper realm of sleep
I woke up with the color of your eyes  staining my carpets, my sheets, the glass of water by my nightstand
the way the sun was shining that morning, I had to smile to myself
It made me wonder
If maybe that was what you wished for

looking dead into my eyes you told me how beautiful i was
you leaned over as if you were going to whisper into my ear but instead you shouted and ruptured my eardrums
i cannot hear
like a naive, excited little puppy you held a treat out in front of my patient eyes filled with life and you threw it into my mouth but before i could even taste the essence of your flavour you pulled it from between my wet, hungry lips
because you realized you wanted it all for yourself
i am so happy you finally know what you want
but you knew what i wanted
and you took it all away from me

I watched as he slicked back her silk-like hair into a french braid, almost like he was weaving himself through the strands, connecting himself to her. I watched with innocent eyes, young eyes, tired eyes, confused eyes, I was only five. At five years old I was able to recognize where I stood on the scale of human worth and I was able to acknowledge the fact that for some unknown reason I, along with me and my two other sisters, were placed below her. She was so high up above me that I couldn’t even look at her. She was pretty. I, however, was not, and I accepted that about myself for years upon years as I lathered cosmetics onto my bruised flesh, hoping the more I applied, the greater the chance was that you might look at me with the same amount of life in your eyes as when you're looking at her. I was set on a seventeen year long self-destructive journey to try to win your love. I was taught that love had to be won, that no matter how much it stung you had to keep that clean and pristine smile on your less than average face, because you weren't to let them know you were hurting.
I wondered if there were others like myself, enduring a relentless identity crisis, trying personalities on like wardrobes. I wondered if it were possible for the pain to be diminished, if it were possible to learn how to breathe again, so I began writing. I wrote my feelings down on paper and somehow they ended up on a poetry website, encountering view after view, like upon like, accumulating feedback from others who shared the same pain I felt.
"You're beautiful," they wrote.
At the time, I didn't understand what they meant by this. No photos of me were posted, how can you measure beauty through words?  I learned that being beautiful meant having minimal flaws, dropping jaws, turning heads. Being beautiful meant being loved, being beautiful meant mattering. I didn't understand, so I started singing.
I sang and let my words exert themselves through melodies, through D-minors and half-broken music notes, I sang, I sang, I sang, and oh God, I couldn't stop.
"You're beautiful," they shouted to me while I was on stage, performing with a fleeting heart that was ready to burst out of my chest and run away, but this time, something was different, I understood.
I knew that she meant I am beautiful in the way that I am, the way that I spill my emotions through my songs like an everlasting ocean, and I knew that she meant I am beautiful in the way that my mind is in a constant state of perplexity.
I looked at her and I saw her face, her pretty face, her face that I longed to have. She had a perfect nose, perfect eyes, perfect lips, perfect complexion, perfect hips. I believed all these things were the key to love, and eternal happiness, I believed they were the ingredients to making me beautiful, but now,
I'd rather have a bent nose, boney hips, bad skin and bad lips, and have someone tell me I'm beautiful, because I knew it meant I was beautiful in the way I loved, laughed, wrote, sang,
Than to have no physical flaws and ignorantly believe that being beautiful in the way that I look, is enough.
So I will keep being beautiful, and not to feed the myth that some day you will love me for me, but because I have finally found what I was made to do, and who I was made to do it for.
I am a girl, inside a song, inside a poem, and I am my own.

you remind me of the poem i wrote before i became confident in my writing, the one traced in smudged black-inked scribbles, soaked in tears, lathered in self-doubt that i crumpled up and threw away
and just like that paper lying in a state of disarray, no matter how many stanzas i write that outcompete that one i still see you hiding in the corner reminding me of my mistakes and naivety
i see you and i remember i can pick you up and try to fix you to make you into something that it meaningful to me again but it would be no use because your substance is still there and i cannot make a miracle out of a disaster
i wish i could pick you up and light the words you spoke on fire
i wish you were as temporary as a piece of paper
but you're a million sentences i've written that i'll never understand
you are the words i have not learned
you are the poem i started to write but never finished
you are the mistake i will never forget

i see the world through welded steel bars that fence around my body, masking armor, but realistically locking my free spirit inside the walls of flesh that make up my being
i walk around, bewildered to see other miraculous women of all ages, races, and orientations trapped behind the same impenetrable incarceration, trudging along sidewalks, tendons diminishing in their knees as the metal jail cells they live in is a weight incapable of being lifted with ease
i clang on the bars with a metal can, i am soothed by the sound of my own imprisonment, i am lulled to sleep by vibrations of the vague oppression encrusted into the cell of my cells
i have not thought to cry, i have not thought to fight, for i have no idea where tears could possibly find their way down from, their inexistence is almost certain to me
i see the world through welded steel bars, that close in tighter with every aortic pulse, with every respiratory heave
you may be thinking at least you can still see, which is true, yes, i am so glad to be able to see
i only wish, i could see more

"you're so, innocent"*, he said to me, eyes widening, soul opening, gritting his teeth letting this word take over my entire body, my body that would now belong to him, withholding his fingerprints like scratches on a penny
i absorbed his sentence and deflected it back out into the universe, for i never really considered myself as such, innocent.
what does it mean to be innocent, why did it excite him so much? was it my lack of experience? was it because he had never encountered someone with such purity in their heart? had he never touched the soul of someone who was comprised of mostly good intentions?
i realized his excitement really was just masking fear. he was afraid of me. if i wasn't using him, i was good. if i was good, i mattered. i don't think he had every considered the fact that a woman he was investing time with could matter. i don't think he was the type of person who wanted to care. so to fold up the fear like origami, and shape it into a facade, he began to express aggression. he was mean. i could not understand this. if i was so innocent, why was he trying to take this away from me? was the concept of my good character making him angry? i remember looking into his greenish eyes and feeling smoke in my lungs. my body polluted by his piercing stare, and i watched as his soul arose out of his shell, like fumes and dissipated into the air around me. the anger then turned to tiredness. i watched him sleep and i wondered if it could even be called that. i had never in my life seen someone in such deep, emotional pain that even when their body is resting their face is stiff and fragile as if he had been resting their his entire life, accumulating dust, hardening the cracks of his smile, cementing his ligaments until the possibilities of him standing again were not even questionable.
watching him, i thought about this innocence he described, and about how he was almost envious of it, how he wanted that for himself and somehow knew that he once owned that quality but somewhere along the lines of a wrong left turn or a path not chosen he had lost it. what he didn't know was that it was still there.
don't get me wrong, i had never met such a cold person in my entire life, but at the same time, he was like fire.
i rolled over next to him, holding his arms, comforting his sleeping body in hopes of him somehow regaining consciousness and becoming aware that he does not have to be so guarded, so cold, and so afraid of being vulnerable. i hoped he'd find the warmth he already has, but i too was tired, so i closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

I’ve too long engaged in the detrimental habit of searching for a man to complete me. though not completely uprisen to consciousness, it seemed as though i had this illogical desire to have a man who could hold me, as if the contents of my being were too much for myself to handle, as if i were in need of my preferred *** to grasp my supple skin fragments in their hands in efforts of assuring that the parts of me that i could not support would not fall to the ground and shatter like crystallized water droplets
i am immersed in a sexuo-economic society that constantly perpetuates the myth that a woman is a product of a man, woman has what the man can give to her and is nothing without the nurture and tender care a man is able to provide for her. man is happiness for the woman, man is prosperity for the woman, man is a woman’s confidence, man is her beauty, man is her life, for woman has none for her own
it is now that i have realized after searching for so long for someone to “love” me, for someone to look into my eye and drop to their knees in pure adoration, it is now that i realize when man is gone, who am i? i am my own. i am no one’s possession.
the thought itself was liberating to know that my existence depends on no other being but my own so i said it over and over, i am my own, i am my own, ****** i am mine an nobody else’s
i began to yell at the sky telling it that it lied when it was raining that night and tried to convince me that i was miserable and trapped in a world that did not appreciate me, just because it was melancholy and gloomy itself
an epiphany in that moment ; he did not matter to me. it was his very touch, the softness to his lips, the scratch of the hair on his chin, the desperation in his voice, that ran through my veins like a narcotic
once he was gone, i was alone, i thought i was losing my identity but it was in that moment that i started to become who i really was
i realized how many other women go through the same things i do, ignorantly believing that their life is dependent upon a man
how horrible it is to live in a constant state of delusion, believing ***-attraction could provide happiness for myself eternally, as if happiness was not able to reached within me already but rather hidden in the palms of the opposite ***
but you couldn’t understand that
no one could understand
so i told you, goodbye

the first time you broke my heart felt like every molecule in my body had been shaken like a carbonated drink inside a plastic bottle, containing the catastrophe and sheltering the insanity as if it were a home. i could not let anyone know how close i was to exploding, i could not be weak.
i walked around daily, replaying memories we had against the backs of my eyelids like a projector against a cement wall
i played it over and over until my stomach overflowed with churning bile, wanting to eject the inauthenticity of nostalgia
while watching i would try to make meaning of the dialogue, and you, being it’s main featured character
i made you out to be the hero but you were the villain, you destroyed the plot, you slaughtered the character’s lives, yet you were such a deceivingly good actor
have you ever heard something so many times that you started to go insane?
words can hit you so hard they start to feel like they’ve been carved into your brain, able to be sounded like keys on an everlasting piano, one note insisting for another to play along with it
but you’re not a song that i want to listen to anymore

the second time you broke my heart, i had it coming
i told myself this was it
every time i watched you blink i watched the doors to your soul close
have you ever let anyone in?
every kiss enabled another voice in my head telling me goodbye
but the best part about me letting you into my heart for a second time was that it didn’t really break
what i thought was my chest ripping open, withdrawing blood vessels and vitals, was really the nerves in my body connecting again, i can feel again
i can feel again
i am healing and here months later,
stitched up and intact
you can’t hurt me anymore

you kissed me and all i could think was i can’t believe the universe finally brought me back into your arms, your face shifted into a phrase and your eyes morphed into LED lights displaying the words “i’m in love with you” over and over like a conveyer belt of my introspection
you asked “why do you keep looking at me like that?” and i replied with an enigmatic giggle,
i remember thinking to myself “how could i not?”
lying next to you the only thoughts transmitted through the waves in my brain were lines of poems written with words i didn’t even know i knew, words that fully illustrated the beautiful way your head caressed the pillow and your eyelashes tickled my cheeks, the way the moment felt like an everlasting, indestructible photograph
i couldn’t believe it, i still can’t fathom i was lucky enough to float down from the clouds i laid on, hoping for a second chance, an escape from the perpetual wishing and wanting to stand on the ground next to you
i’m looking at you, and although i could never gather these thoughts with enough durability to communicate them to you whole-heartedly, and without them shattering from my lips, fracturing each letter, and smashing the essence
these pages will remember how i felt about you forever

i know you are far
and that's okay
because like the moon, i can see your light from galaxies away
i know you're vibrantly glowing, even though it isn't while you're by my side
too often i find myself seeking possession, yearning to hold you, watch you blossom in between my fingers like a flower
but flowers need to grow on their own, only held by the tender soil that surrounds them
you'll know when they're ready to be held
so i'll be here
comforted by thoughts of you growing into the beautiful flower that i already know you are
i'll let you light up the sky for everyone, i'll let you mingle with the stars and the night skies
and if you ever catch me looking up at you,
it's because i'll remember how blessed i am to be able to just see you
even if i'm not with you in the sky anymore
i am with you
i am far, too

i wonder if the stains on your sheets remember me
i wonder if the cells that make up the skin covering your soft lips died into thin cracked dust, because they couldn't rejoice with mine again
i wonder if the strands of your silky blonde hair fell off your head from the lost heat my hands used to provide them
i wonder if your eyes permanently dimmed once i left, because i was once their light
i wonder if your heart shivers knowing the fire in it has burned out
i wonder if your body remembers love
i wonder if what we had even was love
i wonder
i wonder
i wonder
but i will never know

5:07pm
Don't even look at the name of this text just know that someone is out here with burns in her heart and you caused all of them

6:47pm
Just know that for some reason I still think of you all the ******* time and it's disgusting I want you to leave me alone

7:52pm
I've never felt so weak

8:23pm
I keep telling myself grow up and get over it, get out of bed and move the hell on but I've been saying it so much now that I don't feel ******* anything anymore and when I do it's only because I have you inside my head to help me feel

10:50pm
You're the only thing left that I know and I don't know when that started but I can't find anything joyful if it doesn't somehow tie to you

11:06pm
You're haunting me it's terrifying

12:01 am
I always thought ghosts and demons were scary but your haunting is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum

4:00am
You scare me, how the hell are you everywhere?

6:00am
Get out of my head

i remember watching the people around me, fascinated by their stillness

no matter how loud and vast my thoughts were
everyone would remain unchanged
my thoughts would swirl around the room like a snowstorm, getting tangled in hair and caught upon eyelashes in intricate tiny crystals
my thoughts would make the hair on their arms stand like a nostalgic ghost, like a deadly spirit
my thoughts would rain down on others, soaking them in unidentifiable feelings of uneasiness
my thoughts would nudge their shoulders like invisible children

my thoughts would never solidify
and no one could see
they could only feel the density of the air thicken as my head would swell to the size of the room, trapping all bystanders in my engorged mind
stuck in a nameless world of confusion
an endless orb of fantasy and illusion
unsure of the conclusion
i watched, as my thoughts filled the room full of oblivious people
bouncing off the walls and flying over heads, staining the carpets
but who was watching me?

when i think of us together

i used to picture us standing side by side, fingers interlocked as the train approaches forcing us to let go but only for a second to allow you to step on but just as i am about to follow you up, the door closes, and you look at me through a foggy, fingerprint encrusted window mouthing the word "goodbye" over and over until the train is no longer in sight as i watch your pink lips and fair skin disappear

but now when i think of us i see you standing on a solid white line, fifty or so feet away from me whilst progressively getting further and I'm trying to run towards you but the line just keeps extending and no matter how fast i try to run you're still too far to reach
you're fading and it terrifies me because now i'm standing on that white line completely still, in place and intact, turned the complete opposite direction from you and now that i'm looking forward, no longer dwelling on the past, i can see someone else approaching
i don't want to get hurt again
but time goes on and doesn't stop even for the pauses in my heart rate and the frozen mess of my mind
it's been so much time
and i've wasted so much time that i think somewhere inside the streams of saltwater staining the books by my nightstand,
i've forgotten you

(the next time i try to convince myself that i miss you, maybe i'll start asking why?)

staring deep into my own reflection i finally remember the reason why my body fights so hard to keep me alive (i weep)
i realize how every ounce of my being still exists, because i am worth so much more than the heartbreak, i am worth more than a perpetual feeling of emptiness dwelling within my ribcage (my blood is rushing, and i'm forgetting how to breathe)
i remember i remember i remember
and i finally know how to deal with my pain (i feel it everywhere, still)
i can mend the fragments of my heart back together and use them to better myself in every possible aspect there is to improve (i think it broke again)

this is just a story,
a reconstructed lie,
i am falling apart, forgetting my existence,
i am not here
and it's your fault (but i will be okay.)

does life ever feel so desperate that you find yourself relentlessly convincing yourself that you're made of something the world needs, that the sun burns in attempt to let you shine, that oxygen flows in molecules through the air just to keep you breathing
but the convincing is so inauthentic that you can feel the hours passing by and the skin peeling off your cold body in an effort to escape the inner self-destruction going on
  my organs are afraid and my stomach turns, my eyes droop, my lungs deflate, my heart falls to the ground and shatters
    everything around me is trying so desperately hard to remind me of how much i don't matter, and how easily my life can be simply taken away
            you win
               because now
                    nothing matters
                        and in soon enough time,
             my heart wont have to pulse in fear
my lungs won't have to heave
    and my eyes won't have to swing down so low
because i won't matter either.

here i am, three months later still perpetually oxygenating the suffocated fantasy that one day i will see you again and my heart will remember how to pulse, my hands will remember how to hold, and you will somehow love me again

here i am, three months later spoon-feeding lies to my hungry brain, telling it "he will come back" spilling fraudulent words into my impressionable mind
"maybe he misses you too"
"it will all make sense in time"
"keep your head up, and remember you're strong enough to get through this"

here i am with a mind that fully believes you came into my life for a reason yet somewhere beneath those strongly wired thoughts, though i have no control over it, is the lingering pessimist that whispers in my ear when i'm sleeping at night, dreaming about the grace of your skin against mine
"he never loved you"
but it wasn't until this moment right now that, that pessimist has been truly heard

because i'm still here
after three, exhausting months, arms weak from reaching out for your grasp, lungs collapsed from all the dry heaving and half-breaths of missing you, and i'm finally looking at you
but you don't even
see me.

if only emotional abuse scarred my skin the way physical abuse did, because maybe then you'd see that your words and your demeanor are the reason why you say i have issues with channeling my anger
maybe if your screams bludgeoned my skin the way a punch would destroy the filaments under my tender flesh, you'd notice how much you're hurting me
and it scares me that you can't even see what you're doing
it scares me that one day i'll be one scream away from erratically fainting to my demise, falling effortlessly to the floor, heart still beating in my chest and brain activity picking up faster than ever before
it scares me that you're not scared
your words are like knives carving my organs with cynical words
"worthless" is inscribed through the hemispheres of my brain
"damaged" is engraved into my lungs
i can't breathe
and im beginning
to not feel anything
anymore

you told me you aren't capable of loving me
you aren't capable of loving anyone
but then you go off and provide her with your own beating heart, you tear out your lungs and diffuse your blood of oxygen in order to let her breathe
then to revive yourself from the torture your body endures in order to keep her up and running you beat my tender skin mercilessly, unaware that it is human skin you're destroying and a child's mind your instilling with harsh memories of pain and desertion
a child's mind who will grow up to be seventeen **** years old, accepting herself as a lower rank on the scale of human worth than those who are prettier than her,
always second priority to those who are worthy of your love
you killed me in a seventeen year long mission to destroy something you destroyed a long time ago
i saw you look at her while she cried, and you could almost feel her pain
a tear actually slid from your eyes, your eyes that you swore to me were never capable of doing such, because it's just "not who you are"
but i know who you are
you're a weak, spineless, emotional wreck, desperate to fulfill prophecies that you were never capable of fulfilling on your own
turns out you are capable of loving someone
but you were right about it not being able to be me

look at her crying
now look at me dying
are you proud of your work?

everyday i wake up, stare at the inside of my eyelids and search for a feeble reason to scrape open my tired eyes, get out of bed, and start yet another day, alive.
i always find myself searching for reasons of why i am alive, and why i should continue to be, trying to numb the stinging in my chest from the ***** that fails to pump blood through my arteries at times, battered and worn out
im looking im looking i've spent my entire existence looking for something that doesnt even ******* exist
and i hate searching for these meaningless answers because i am so disgustingly aware we are all trying to find them and i hate the idea that i am living my life just as every other human being is
even my pain is unoriginal
i sit in my room and i write poetry on my laptop, not trying to make sense of the world but just trying to unfold my tangled mind that does not seem to understand any information being inputted inside of it on a day to day basis
i sit in my room writing about a world that doesn't even deserve to be written about
the world is a mess and the world is selfish and i don't know how things used to be but i know as of right now the sun doesn't shine, it burns with hellfire and seems to radiate waves of hate down upon the biosphere, burning and scathing the flesh of worthless creatures attempting to live undominated, "happy" and "successful" lives
the wind doesn't blow beautifully through my hair, the wind blows in an attempt to push me off a cliff, to guide me towards my own self-destruction and to remind me of how easily things can fall apart
see the world is not beautiful
the world just exists
any kind of meaning i am trying to establish in my writing is just a lie, there isn't a single aspect to this life that naturally means something and after all this time i continue to spill empty words onto a blank screen hoping it will fill the area in my chest that lacks substance, but my heart continues to bleed
my brain is deteriorating and i can't feel anything anymore

im looking for you
searching for you in his eyes, in the water, in my favourite books, in the customers who come into work, in the bubble sheets of my tests, in the windows of cars passing by, in the grass, in the sky
looking for you on my fingertips, in the strands of my hair, in between my toes, in the cracks of my smile
i seem to see you everywhere i look
in everything
in everyone
but you've been gone for months
and my mind can't stop placing you in every aspect of my life
my mind can't forget how completely enthralled the adventure of our relationship had me
i want to see you
and i do see you
but when will you really be there?

remember that time when you were eight at the beach, having so much fun tripping over the waves of brine and all of the sudden you were interrupted by one huge, everlasting upsurge that swept you underneath it, leaving you gasping for air and filling your lungs with its acidic solution
and then you tried to get up but then another wave crashed on you
and another
and another
and all of a sudden your whole universe isn't even recognizable, your eyes fill with sand and you can barely grasp the world around you as it slurs into an aquatic disaster
i think that feeling is exactly what it feels like to live in this world as an adapting sentient human being
i think that once you really get hit with that one, huge obstacle, you just get hit with another,
and another ,
and another
until you're forced to question why you even feel the need to get past it in the first place
why not just sink
why keep fighting to stand up again why is it important that i revive my suffocating lungs why can't i sit until my body absorbs all the water, shriveling my skin from my fingertips to my toes
i want to lay here
harmoniously flowing through corrupted waves
no longer learning how to swim
but how to peacefully and tranquilly
drown

I thought you were watching me all this time
Secretly devoting your minutes to me, dying to know how I felt about you, dying in general
Able to feel the skin physically peel upwards off your nimble fingers, as you try to scrape my name off your phone screen, analyzing every word my shattered mind had exerted through cold plastic keys
I thought your drunk thoughts were always spinning towards untouched feelings for me and unreleased emotions
I thought I was everything to you all because you were everything
to me
But I'm not anything
And this world isn't existent
If it doesn't exist with you

i am not that girl
what i mean is i am not that girl for you
i am not the girl that has to continuously giggle into her palms instead of telling you how she really feels, leading you on and fully engaging into the game you play so disturbingly well
i am not the girl who could willingly grasp your hand on a beach in the summer, reminding everyone, including you of how much i genuinely love you, knowing oh so subconsciously that the love i feel is completely unrequited
and i am not the girl who could roll over next to you in bed on a groggy Sunday morning just to look into your stone-cold eyes and say

'i will love you forever'

i am not that girl
what i mean is i am not that girl for you, and i can never be
because in ten years
when you reach your everlasting adult arms towards the blue sky wondering why i am no longer in your life i want you know that everything we had was never real
and i was never truly capable of whole-heardedly loving you

and i am not that girl
at least not anymore

what does it mean
what is the world forcing itself to tell me as my heart cracks into trillions of little pieces of muscle
and where is the meaning?
what does it mean to feel like where you really belong is not in this world, not in this body, what does it mean when you feel like your entire existence is something someone created out of acting on destructive intentions
i cant find it
i cant find where i am supposed to be
i cant find what i am supposed to feel
i cant understand why someone would have to be this way
tell me where it is that i can find
what it all means?

the other day I was approached by a friend when she asked
"what happened to you?"
and my mind just panicked as if I was holding in some sort of mysterious secret that I couldn't allow anyone to know and all I could do was stare blankly
following this question my frail body stormed to look in the mirror as I wondered why I don't see certain things anymore
I constantly think about where those pieces of myself drifted off to so I just could not answer her
God, why couldn't I just tell her how I feel like I can see that girl standing directly ahead of me and I'm reaching out to her with open arms inviting her into my embrace but she does not want to be held any longer because she no longer likes affection shes cold  and shes still afraid to be grasped by any sort of warm touch
why didn't I have the stomach to tell her that that girl standing in front of
me is not willing to spring joyfully back to her creator as she does not have the physical capabilities she used to
do you see her?
am I the only one who can see?
the tendons in her legs are diminished and she can not even fully draw open her eyes
and she cannot see me
she is losing
she is losing
she is losing
she is dead.

escaping through his body fantasizing about the touch of your skin through his scratchy tissue
closing my eyes tighter as I'm kissing him to somehow force his lips to morph into yours
running my fingers through his tangly knots that sprawl across his skull while falsely believing the tighter I pull the more his locks will begin to feel like they belong on your head
brought back to reality as I notice the greenish grey light given out through his eyes that just don't match up with your brown beauty
I pull away remembering I can not find you in someone else and while I may feel like this is the only way I can go on happily knowing you're not mine he does not even compare to your soft touch and it was unfair of me to think I could ever replace someone still stitched into my heart
flowing through my brainwaves and constantly being reflected somewhere behind the chambers of my eye

the world is full of too many things that I’ve lost control of, like the feeling I get in my stomach when I’ve let myself down completely, like the way my body relentlessly shivers in the icy winds of the frigid earth
and it’s filled with you
I swear on my life that the world has become full of just one person and nobody else and my mind can not control overwhelming thoughts of you or the way your eyes tear apart my muscles and ligaments down to the very fibers they’re made up of
I’ve never in my entire existence met a human being capable of breaking me apart
I’ve never in my entire existence met a human capable of stealing all the stability in my body
the electrical pulses in my brain are intensifying and my heart is being constantly burned by these sadistic waves of shock
I don’t even know you
how is it possible for you to be destroying me?

filled with life or torn down with despair
  
    it all feels the same

I look over at you trying to fathom the thought that the one thing I've wanted all my life, you never even asked for
he fell into your arms with his heart already pulsing in your chest, his veins tangled in your fingers, his eyes secured on you infinitely
staring at your lips I remember how easy it is for them to touch his, how his entire body in a way already belongs to you while I'm just internally wishing it was mine instead
my whole life I've never been one to get the things I want, even if I try achingly hard to obtain them
but you, you never tried
and somehow
you have all I want

i dont understand why im changing, why everything else seems to mean nothing to me, but at the same time i know exactly why
i know its you
its you its you its you its always been
you
i want to get better, oh god how i long to recover from falling so hard and creating a compound wound within the vessels of my already broken heart
at the same time, feeling suffocated by false hope is almost comforting
what else could i possibly keep hope for?
and i know you dont feel the same or at least youll never feel it like i do
but i will always feel the same
no matter how hard it hurts to constantly an relentlessly feel the same
i can't help but hold you captive in my heart
forever

a year ago I was so certain that the devotion I put into you was simply a phase, a distraction, something that I'd forget about once someone more intriguing came around

a year ago I thought the feelings you gave me were insignificant nothings that I only felt because I had nothing else left to feel

a year ago, brown eyes were so dull to me, and now I feel as though I am swimming in an overflow of luminous liquid copper any time you happen to step into my peripheral vision

it's been a year, and I can't breathe anymore
you're all I seem to know

I swear to god I have been digging a tunnel inside my body since my very first day on earth searching for things like personal interests and self-love, things like happiness and creativity, the few things in which separate humans from each other, things that make it known that we are ourselves and no one else, but I’ve been searching for my
whole
life
looking for what makes me who I am
looking for what separates me from every other teenager figuring themselves out as well
but what if there’s nothing to find
what if it’s all for nothing
because I have no idea who I am
and I think I’ll I feel this way for the rest of my life

I’ve always found it incredibly strange how a group of people at some point in time came up with a plethora of words used to communicate exact thoughts and statements between people yet most of the time I choose not to use them
what I really want to say is always left unsaid
everything I feel, every way I feel about you is left drifting through the air, never to be touched by another human being
and you’ll never know
I’ll never know so many things because I’m too afraid to say them
but maybe no matter what I say
there will always be something unspoken between us
so I’ll just let you know some other time