You rarely speak, communicating only your angst

It tears me apart; only because I have so much to say.
So much of literally

N O T H I N G

to say.

I sit here and pretend that my words have meaning, when in reality, they're words filled with meanings I cannot yet convey.

Why I cant get them through to you,
I'll never know.

Is it because I'm not good enough, or because you don't want to listen?

I never really understood how a heart breaks.

I guess it starts with one little crack.
One disappointment from the one you love, one nasty word from your best friend, or one time you fell and no one picked you.

You fell so hard that a little crack started in your heart. As you picked yourself up off the ground and began to dust your knees off, you realized how alone you truly are.

And after this realization, there's one more little crack added to your once whole heart.

You pass through middle school...
One crack here, another there.
Oh, that crack grew a few more centimeters.

You're moving into high school and you don't know if your heart can take any more.  

You meet someone who changes your world.

This boy... He's wonderful and caring, smart and loving. Everything you've wanted in your life.

You get upset by the small things- he doesn't send good morning texts, he's not always the most talkative, and he's surely not giving you the attention you want.

Each of these small things send a small crack to your heart.

Eventually, your heart is broken.

No big heart breaking event, just so many small things led to the break.

He helps to fix your heart, and all is well for a while.

Suddenly, you're heart broken again. This time, the incident was even smaller than before.

I guess, the more your heart gets broken, the easier it is to break.  If things continue at this rate, how long will it be until crawling out of bed, or going into work breaks your heart...?

All is silent at this time of night

All except the

Train horns in the distance

The rumble as it rolls across the tracks.

But after its gone,

S I L E N C E

The air is still
The world, quiet.

I lie in bed- wide awake.

My demons come and they won't disappear.

The morning sun isn't a saving grace.

Just a deadly reminder of what happened in the dark night.

The world is not black anymore

The sky is lit by the warm rays of sun

Those rays shine through my window and I pull myself out of bed

Pretending that they woke me up.

No one knows I've been awake for hours.

Turning on the bedroom light
Last nights pain is visible on my skin.

Sweatpants because tight Jeans hurt the wounds.

A hoodie because i Can't show my pain.

A messy bun and no make up because whats The point anymore.

It's 4:23am and I can tell you exactly how tomorrow will play out.

I'm tired of finding myself on the bathroom floor covered in blood.

I'm tired of never having the strength to put the blade down.

I'm tired of letting people walk in and out of my life as they choose.

I'm tired of knowing exactly when the hot tear will finally leave my eye and roll down my cheek.

I'm tired of being tired, so something has to change.