my darling, my sunshine
you are to me
what the rain does
to wilted things.

you pour unto my cracks
scour across my hollows
and you fill them instead
with a selfless abundance of love

how fragile I was
before meeting you,

how resilient i am becoming,
in order to keep you.

i am more tree now
than weedling,

more flower
than thorn.

i am beautiful
for loving you,
and for continuing to love you.

and i know
i will be stronger
for having you by my side.

life is a constant struggle and sometimes i’m just lost.
i don’t know how to deal with it.
i just want to get a life mentor sometimes
so i know if things are worth it.
i’ve read so much about life but i find it hard to actually apply everything i’ve learned.
i realized.
i’m still on my journey.
*its okay not to have things figured out.

i'm back to being just a star
in your universe
and while you seek for a brighter star,
i will still be here,
until the universe decides,
it isn't meant to be.

when you rise in the morning,
i promise,
i will lay roses at your feet
and line the pathway to the door
with tulips

i will press a cup of english breakfast tea,
into your palms
and place a sweater around your shoulders,

i will wrap my arms around you
and guide you outside,
hold you close
as the holiday winds greet us

and i will press a kiss to your temple
and catch the tears that linger
on your eyelashes.

we will do it, my braveheart
we will survive a year.

and i will be so proud of you,
of us,
for making it through.

But, alas, that proved our undoing, my love.
When the hour arrived to bid you farewell,
And consign you to an earthen crypt,
I could not bring myself to release you.

And so, I descended to the underworld,
Where I offered my soul to the grim reaper,
In exchange for a reprieve from your loss.
He accepted my offering without a second thought,
Devouring my essence whole, without a shred of mercy.

Yet, through it all, I felt not a single twinge of pain.
For the agony of losing you was far greater,
Than any torment, the reaper could inflict upon me.

"where is your happy place?"
you asked,
and from then on i knew,
i was going to war
your mind functions like no other,
for the first time,
i find myself challenged.
"who are you?" my mind bellows,
I knew I wanted to know you,
I knew it in me,
that I will lose all my rationality again,
my mind will be blank,
a canvas to be filled with whatever art
your mind,
your thoughts has to offer.

the first time I ever saw you
I knew
I knew,
I could like you for a long time
and that your face would always be engraved
in my mind,
in my heart.

perhaps, I wasted too many time.
perhaps, I am a little too late.
but I never forget the first time I ever saw you.
I knew,
I knew.

A - girl filled with exciting stories,
D - aring me to take constant adventures and to  
V - enture out of my comfort zone,
E - nter her world and
N - avigate through her
T - ormented heart

and
stay,
until she feels
that
I could be the one to complete
her unspoken adventures,
her need for sorrow
the freedom and chains
she wants
and needs

the hardest part
of loving you,
will not be to let you go,

it’s holding on to you,
when life rears its head
and threatens to tear
the two of us apart.

and in spite of the wounds
on both of our hearts,
we must keep a grip
and not let them slip
away,

we must stay
and weather the wreckage together
as if destruction
is kinder when it is shared

and baby,
even if you’re scared
of bearing the scars,
you must not let them mar
the sanctity of the love
within the hollow of your chest.

the hardest part of love
is not knowing when
we will fall to ruin

but still choosing to stay
anyways.

These past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out
What exactly am I apologetic for?
Was it because I lost you?
or was it because I lost myself in you?

I am sorry I could not be the light in your darkness.
I am truly sorry.

I will not be sorry for anything more, for you.

i never believed in wrong timing,
just wrong people
but with you,
i found myself saying -- "i wish i met you earlier,"
or "i wish i met you later,".
i' m now convinced that timing really is a tragic thing,
and oh how it destroys what could have been.

in another timeline perhaps i made it past your walls --
the ones you've built around yourself,
preventing anything and anyone
from going in and out of your heart.
maybe, at that moment,
one far different from this version we both traverse through,
you and i were unscathed,
untarnished,
undamaged.

in a separate dimension,
my heart hopes,
there exists a you and i.

And, oh, this heart
Bears an abundance of sorrow,
While my soul is left
With pockets barren and void.

if i could sum up all the parts,
all the scenes that happened,
and the role i played in your life,
i don't think i would it would amount
to anything at all.
i would still come up short,
or perhaps,
it would still feel like it was all for nothing,
because it was a all a lie,
an illusion.
the only thing that was real was what i felt.
but you couldn't need it.
so when you looked around,
asking if anyone out there loved you,
begged for someone to care about you,
you couldnt see me,
you only saw her,
from far away,
and what you wanted from her.
all while i held you closely.

you'd break the curse
you wouldn't leave
you and i will always be together
we'd make it
you'll see the end of it
you love me.



loved me.

the heart stops for sunset
the mind during sunrise,
my soul for yours
with no measure,
just an infinite loop
to stop at your smile,
voice
and
sighs.

As we grow, we come to realize,
there is no wrong time.
The people we meet are those that come
based on the choices we make in our life
and the people we come to love
and receive love from
happen to have the same circumstance revolving around them.

Timing is always our excuse.
That’s always been my excuse.
For the longest time,
I believed I had everything but the timing.
Timing was always off,
until one day,
I woke up and realized it was I,
that ultimately sabotaged everything.
It wasn’t time that ******* us up,
it was me,
and in that moment I realized,
time will never be an illusion to me again.
I will never use time to barricade myself
and fortify my pride and my guilt.

There is no wrong time --
wrong choices, yes but never the wrong time
for anything, or everything to happen.

I will forget how you sound.
I will forget how you formed words between your lips.
I will forget how bright my days were when you smiled at me and how dark my hours were when you smothered me with pain and regret.
I will forget how you called my name.
I will forget how warm your body was pressed against mine.
I will forget how cold it was the day you left and how time seemed to freeze at that moment.
I will forget the dark days. I will forget how your lips tasted.
I will forget the future I mapped out for us.

Someday.
One Day.
Today.

forgive me,
you are too beautiful to be this burdened.
i'm sorry you carry so much on your shoulder.
and none that passes could take it away from you.
for the key to unlocking you,
breaking you free from your voluntary shackles,
lies not within me but on someone else.

forgive me,
for a second i thought, i could liberate you.
i believed in my patience
and the warmth i bring.
i thought i could light you up
like fireworks,
instead i'm the one that ended up in flames,
while you continue to seek that which you have lost,
her spark.

forgive me for my delusions,
and ideas of grandeur.
i was wrong to think,
that we could've had something wonderful,
that i could've changed your mind,
and that i could've made the one to make you stay.

for a second i thought i had you there,
some of you,
most of you,
perhaps all of you,
and then none of you at all.

it’s not difficult to love
someone like her

it’s as if every particle of mine
is yearning to rip itself to pieces
just to crash into hers

it is both agonizing
and the sweetest relief
when she holds my hand

and when her lips finally met mine
i felt all the known universes collide
and realign
to keep the two of us
in the center of the fray.

she stays,
the way nobody else has before
and i want for nothing more
when her eyes meet mine
except for maybe just a little more time
to drown in those earthen hues

and if i am to spend the rest of my life
loving her as ardently as I do,

well, i will press a kiss
to the pulse of her wrist
and thank God every time,
that she exists

over and over
and over again,

i will trace every ounce of her skin
with gratitude.

the problem is i remember,
everything is all coming back to me
from the moment i first saw you,
to the moment you looked at me with love.

my home is all but cluttered with memories of you
in parts and pieces
mostly whole.
you were my home,
and now i'm at a place where everything is scattered,
my mind,
all the places you've touched,
all the kisses you gave,
all the smiles you threw my way
all the love.

and I know,
every time i will hold your face,
it will feel like i am holding treasure
caressing the jewels and golden riches
i don’t want to slip from my fingertips

Today, I tended to my tulips,
Uncertain if they would bloom,
Once, I planted their bulbs with care,
But now, with labor, I presume.

When I was healthy and whole,
I sowed these seeds with grace,
When I could rise from bed with ease,
And greet the morning's face.

Not truly happy, but somewhat better,
I watched them grow with care,
Their petals the color of the sunset's ember,
Or the golden sun's fiery glare.

Instead of my apathy,
I must write with a softer hue,
Perhaps this is a new beginning,
Or an old one, anew.

I strive to be strong and sound,
Ate breakfast and took a walk,
Though the battle within still goes around,
And my arms remain locked.

The urge to harm myself, a foe,
But my tulips may yet bloom,
Perhaps this means I can let go,
And let old wounds resume.

I fear to reveal hidden scars,
But today, I tended with my all,
My tulips that I thought might falter,
Perhaps I can again stand tall.

i'm tired of thinking of you,
and i'm tired of everything you've done and said.
they're all still playing in my head
but i want you anyway still.

please stop running through my mind,
i know it isnt you anymore,
just a ghost of you.
nevertheless, maybe you can command it to stop.
just this once,
so i can hear your voice again.

i've lost you,
and it isnt my fault,
thats what they all say
yet here i am reeling at this particular loss.

and though it was all too fast,
from wanting to know every side of you,
to trying to omit every trace of you in my head,
you were wonderful.

i'm on hold for you,
my body,
my mind
and even if you're against it,
my heart is here for you.
its too late to be careful,
too late,
for i am already hurt,
already feeling,
already yours.

the sun has been kind to you,
it never burns,
just shines right through your face
enough to radiate the beauty that you've always held from within.


the winds has always admired you
for they never blew you away,
just enough to breeze you in and remind you that
you will not be swayed.
everything will change and yet you will remain rooted to the ground,
resolute.

the rain has always been tender to you,
for it has never poured more than necessary
to drown you.
its always just rained enough to
to wash away your sorrow and remind you to slow down
for tomorrow is a promise of sunshine.

and i have and will always love you,
more than you'll see
and more than you'll know,
overflowing but never
overpowering.

you'll know,
you'll see.

i will always need you
and want you.
i imagine lifetimes ago,
it was you,
and now that i've finally met you,
its still you.

and now
i’m afraid of you
of how much i love you
of how much you mean to me
because i’m afraid that you’ll get tired of me
or decide i’m too much to handle,
that you'll one day wake up and think,
i’m not worth it anymore
i’m afraid that you’ll realize
i don’t deserve you
that you can do better than settling for me
and even though i want you to be different
i’m afraid that you’ll end up like everyone else
that no matter how much i try to keep you,
i'm just not it for you.
i’m afraid that you’re the best thing to ever happen to me
and i’m so afraid of messing it up.

i finally met you,
i'm afraid of all there is about this.
i love you.

what do i call you?
you were between a lover and a friend.
you called me a potential
and it was foolish of me to think,
it amounted to anything.
maybe that is the exact moment where everything convoluted.
everything got twisted in my mind,
and i believed, dangerously,
for more than a split second,
you wanted to be mine.

everything you do is every bit unconventional,
unique, and full of life.
so i decided to write a poem about it.
one different from the style i usually take,
because that's the kind of effect you have on me.
you make me want to take the leap,
compel a change i've been meaning to do over the years,
a positive impact, if you will.
you're a catalyst to a series of realizations,
and a smile i didn't know i had,
a laughter i didn't know i could conjure.
but its not what you make me feel that makes me want to write about you.
its not about how devastatingly beautiful i find you,
or how annoyingly charming you are to me.

its about how you are, by far,
the most emotionally intelligent person i know.
what's more is that you are wise and knowledgeable,
far more than you let on,
and yet you have no desire or need to have other people know.
you understand the cause and effect in life,
the necessity for suffering,
and how patience is humbling.

you may meet dozens, hundreds of people more in this lifetime than i ever will,
all of which i hope can see your beauty and your grace.
the hope you carry within, and the light that shines around you.
i hope they see you the way i see you,
because i know if they did,
they'd believe in you no matter what,
and they'd be there to stay through it all.

i hope one day you see yourself the way i see you,
and know why i believe in you.

despite every circumstance that works against us,
i still choose you,
and that's the only conversation important to me.
every line,
every word,
every thought that leads me back to you,
is the only thing i can hear.

because i said, when i finally meet a girl like you,
one unlike no other,
special because of all the things she chooses to be --  
i will be there, to choose you every day.
my feelings will run deep,
and you will be soaked with all that i can and will be.

despite everything, i will stay.
despite everything, i will be yours.

you kiss me the way nobody ever has before.
not without expecting something in return.
and here i am sick and runny-nosed and you love me anyway
you love me in a whole new way,
but it is honest,
genuine.
you love me, hesitantly at first
and then you threw yourself into it,
and so did i.

and suddenly i am looking at the stars
through light polluted skies;
suddenly i am finding you in all my favorite songs
suddenly,
you are my favorite song
and my favourite eyes,
my favorite,
and you feel how i imagine what home feels like.
baby, i'm home.

...and I like you anyway.
What is it about you that attracts me anyway?
I try to dissect it,
to cross-examine my attraction towards you.

You --
you are the exact definition
of what a dangerous path in love looks like --
complicated,
unsure,
relentless,
a storm and I want it.
I want to walk in it.
I want to feel the catastrophe you will bring,
the agony I might suffer,
the pain, you might inflict.
I'd like to be weathered by it all.

There's no stopping me now,
I'm driving with full acceleration,
hurtling towards you.
You are unaware of it all,
and though you may never find out,
just how much I'd like to get to know you.
I'm hoping.
Just, hoping you'll somehow see me through.

at the end of the day,
i can't blame you.
i told you i knew i would get hurt.
you told me this would end badly.
your friends told you to stop hurting me.
but i ignored all of it,
i told you to go on,
and hurt me anyway.
you are not the perfect girl,
nor was this the perfect situation,
but i wanted it anyway.
no matter the cost.
i wouldn't have it any other way.