Psychological issues?

Sure.

I've got plenty.

I don't know exactly when it started
But some time ages ago
During elementary school
I just felt so worthless
Like I was numb
I wanted to feel
But I didn't know how
And it wasn't a sharp pain
I would welcome a sharp pain
It was dull ache that wouldn't leave me
I froze in my own icy thoughts
Maybe it was the loneliness
Or all the things those girls said to me
Maybe it was the insults or the whispers
Or maybe it was just my twisted mind
But whatever the cause
I tried to **** myself
When I was just a little 11 year old girl
When some girls were still playing with Barbies in secret
I was secretly playing with knives and ropes
I would take that blade
And scratch a cut into my wooden headboard
One slit in the wood for every moment that I wanted to die
Because I was too young back then to even think of my wrist
That came later
A few years later
And still
There are days where I just feel so horrible and sad and broken
For absolutely zero reason
It doesn't make sense
Nothing bad is even happening
But I feel shattered
I spent a year feeling so. hollow.
So f!cking hollow
I felt like I couldn't breathe
Like I wasn't alive
I spent entire days
Not speaking
I still miss the cuts sometimes, honestly
I like my scars
Which sounds terrible
But I trace them with my fingernails absentmindedly some days
During the darker nights
It comforts me
Because even though I’m not going to cut myself ever again
I can jolt myself into remembering the pain
And it is a form of relief in itself
I don’t know
Not something I can explain
Is that depression?
Probably not though, I feel bad suggesting it in front of people who actually for sure have depression when I haven't been analyzed
But still, it's not impossible I guess

I spent 5 years
From grade 5 through to grade 9
Which is pretty **** young
Feeling fat
Hating my body
Hating myself
I can see my ribs but I still feel fat
It’s okay I can fix that
Eating a little less
Skip a meal
Just skip lunch
Just eat a tiny breakfast, no lunch
No breakfast, no lunch but it’s okay because I have a good dinner
I think I’m losing weight
Is it bad that I’m in grade 5 and thinking like this?
This is great
I think it’s working
I’m in grade 6 now
Maybe I won’t be worthless if I become skinny
I can still see my ribs
I could from the beginning
But I still feel fat
Okay, less dinner now
Hide it well
Let’s switch
No lunch, a little dinner and a bit of breakfast
Just enough to stay alive
Although how much to I really want to stay alive?
Fat.
Look at my legs
Look at their legs
My thighs God I hate my thighs
Eat less
Eat less and less
Until I’m basically surviving on snacks and just the beginnings of each meal
Just enough to take a few bites before they leave the room for a minute
Just long enough for me to throw away my food
But I don’t think I’m losing weight
I will never be enough
7th grade
Just a little less
Don’t tell any of them
Losing pounds
Check my reflection
I still feel fat
I try to be less so I can feel like I’m more
But does the number on the scale even matter anymore?
I’m promising and promising I ate before I came
But these pretty little lies are driving even me insane
And they can’t see through my smile they can’t figure it out
I’m slowly killing myself
From the inside out
Pretty soon, “I don’t feel well” is my favorite phrase and an everyday thing
A justification for my small portions that I don’t finish
It’s true though
I don’t feel well
I feel worthless.
It continues into 8th and 9th grade
Worse and worse
Looking up the calories of different food
Surviving on water and tea
Just enough food to stay alive
Though I really don’t care that much about my own survival, really
Is that anorexia nervosa?
I doubt it
But it’s a possibility I guess

I look in the mirror
And I feel so f!cking ugly
I literally cannot find ONE thing I like about myself
I cannot leave the house without makeup
Because I am SO ashamed of my own face
I genuinely feel bad for the people who have to see my face
I cry sometimes, because I look in the mirror and see my own worthless hideousness
I remember that sleepover I was invited to with the popular girls and I wondered why
When I got locked in a closet, got soap sprayed in my mouth and locked outside in the freezing cold snow without pants on when I was just trying to change into my night clothes
That’s when I knew I had been invited just so they could torment me
I don’t like being the entertainment for the party
I tried to just go to sleep because if I called home I would look like a coward
And my mother who NEVER let me go to sleepovers would get to say “I told you so”
And when they thought I was asleep
But I wasn’t
I listened to them talk for a full hour
My eyes on the clock
My ears on their conversation
“Is she asleep”?
I didn’t know they were talking about me until I heard them mention my name
When they talked for a full f!cking hour
In detail
About why I was ugly
On what levels I was ugly
The degree of my ugliness
I didn’t cry
I didn’t sit up and tell them I could hear them
It would be too humiliating
I listened
And I know they are right
But now it’s getting bad
My face doesn’t even look human to me anymore
It looks like some sort of beastly troll’s face
It looks f!cking hideous
My mother is worried about me
Because I can’t even look myself in the mirror when I have no makeup on
Because I Freak. Out when it is suggested that I might have to be in public without hiding my ugly face in makeup
It literally affects my ability to function properly in everyday life.
The thing is, those girls said it
And they ALL agreed
So if I REALLY had dysmorphia
Then it would all be in my mind
And if they all agreed I was hideous
Then I must be
So how can it be imagined?
I don’t know
Anyway
My point is
I suppose
MAYBE
It is possible
I have dysmorphia

But
Depression
Anorexia Nervosa
Dysmorphia

Those possible diseases of the mind
I
Have multiple
Psychological issues

BUT OCD IS NOT F!CKING ONE OF THEM

How dare he suggest such a thing
Just because I
“Always seem to be working towards something”
Excuse me for not getting drunk and high and naked
Putting off work
Not caring about anything
It’s not OCD though
It’s just called going somewhere in life
Because I may as well
Since in my mind
I’m hopelessly lost

I wrote a f-cking poem for you.

You tell me how they broke your heart and how you wished for someone who would love all your broken parts.

You'd say "She treated me like dirt" followed by a shrug. Then you turn your back to me when I lean in for a hug?

I think you're in denial, my attempts are plain to see.

So now you won't remember all those hours in your room, where I let you break all over me?

You ungrateful little sh-t.

What about that time I covered you with blankets and let you make me sick?

Blah blah blah...

I imagine your eyes right now, rolling back. "Whatever Mel, boo hoo."

But I wrote a f-cking poem for you.

A whole new spiral,
Trees upon a coil,
Ink from leagues,
Written feathers,
Drizzled down as oil,
Evermore,
Nevermore,
Less is more,
All.
Reverse inside-out,
Springs before fall,
Trojan powered horses,
Mother Nature's fickle,
In life we really are all,
Trapped within a pickle...
Steal the base,
Capture the flag,
Always run the risk,
Chess played on a checker board,
Hands turned into fists...
The endless stairs,
Rise & fall,
Chutes & ladders,
Poles,
Elevated,
Reciprocated,
Orbital magnetic pull...
This way,
That way,
Three rights make a left,
Two of either,
Horizontal shift,
Four times,
Stuck in circles...
Full Moon,
Half Moon,
Crescent Moon,
**** cheeks...
Face cheeks,
Two lips,
Uranus,
**** facts...
The Owl asks "Who?"
Not how many licks,
Cracked.
Tongue twister,
Riddle fister,
******* fcking dcks...
Creation.
Destruction.
Under construction,
Living life,
Chasing death,
Don't forget to function...
Playing hooky,
Hooked on phonics,
Telephone,
Hello?
Lose the "O",
Cheerios,
Rolled away,
Hell.
Pacific Bell,
Pack Bell,
Liberty Bell,
Cracked.
Xs,
Os,
Hugs,
Kisses,
Followed crumbs,
Smacked...
Cacophony of words,
Magnified to deaf,
Pantomime,
Mr. Mime,
Jynx,
Hypnotic crest...
Abra,
Kadabra,
Apply directly to the forehead...
Water your brain,
Fertilize,
Extra fries,
Exercise...
A to Z,
1, 2, 3...
F*cking A,
We say...
Today is here,
The end is near,
All come here to stay...
Escape rope untethered,
Weather altered sky day.
Gaze at stars,
Hollywood floor,
Rich,
Poor,
More...
Life is great,
Life is crap,
You decide,
Not me...
Cause all I see,
Is cacophony...
No sense inside of "we"...
Here we are,
We've come so far,
RELAX...
Have fun at last...
Half full,
Half empty,
Shattered...
At least we have the glass......

You know what yes
I DO miss you
I miss our inside jokes
I miss laughing so hard I can’t breathe at the back table
I miss passing coded notes
Getting in trouble together
Playing the cup song in health class
Laughing at funny quotes on your phone
I miss accidentally breaking your whiteout
I miss texting every night way too late
I miss being able to trust you with any secret
I miss how you would never say an unkind word to me
I miss how we really truly believed our friendship was forever
I miss your dumb owl jewelry
I miss you always having to borrow money from me
I miss you always trying to convince me to put my hair up in a bun
I miss ordering the same Starbucks drink as you
I miss calling each other sisters
I miss YOU
But you died
I have already mourned your loss
I have grieved for your death
I still feel pangs of sorrow on lonely nights for you back when you were alive
But at some point
After a death
You need to move on with your life
It is just hard because there is this ***** with a capital B
The one who killed you
Who walks around ******* up everyone’s life under your name
She looks exactly like you and murdered you
Then decided to be a f!cking *****
She shattered us
She BROKE our sisterly bond of friendship
She pushed us away
Bit by bit isolating herself from us
We still thought it was you at first
We didn’t realize this horrible soulless ***** had replaced you
Because she looked exactly like you
Now I loathe f!cking owl jewelry
She sleeps in your bed every night
And no one else knows that you were killed by a ***** who took your place
I miss the old you
I really do
And sometimes I hear songs that remind me of You
And I cry
I’ve cried 6 different times in the last 7 days listening to a song that reminds me of you
But this murderous ***** who killed you
And goes by your name
And shattered me
SHE is not the same person as you
And I loathe her
I feel no love or attachment to that cold-blooded girl
I want to electrocute her
and light her on fire
and skin her alive
and cut off her limbs one by one
and then her head and display it on a pike
for killing you
and damaging me and those I love
I don’t miss her
I miss you
You are two different people who just happen to have both occupied the same body at different times
And go by the same name
You can’t come back from the dead
It has been over a year
I miss you badly
And I hate her horribly
But you died a long, long time ago.

Repost if you can relate at all.
Sorry for the violent bit, I just love very deeply as well as loathe very deeply and I am way too bloodily-minded... sorry....

you were the de(f)inition of
toxic.

yo(u) took control
and never let go,
with a (c)onstant
deathly grip on my soul.

could you have been
any more aggressive?
only god (k)nows.

but i know one thing.
i left (y)ou,
as soon as i c(o)uld,
and
i'm
f(u)cking glad i did.

A lively debate
that inside I create
A seemingly
simple state
But this state
of affairs
Is like a ****** affair
The details
I wish not to share
Please,
don’t stare
For inside
I’m scared
Am I prepared?
Do I have
the ***** to do
what I really care?
Or am I going
to stay on this ship
of self-despair
Where
I can scream
my lungs ******
into the air
But does anyone care?
Do I even f@cking care??

Maybe a life spared
but spare me the
retched bullsh@t
of self-pity
I’m self-giving
It wreaks up the air
It’s noxious scent
is not one I care
to ever encounter
or fair

Let’s “clear the air”
and take on
what I want
from now on
No longer a pawn
who is living the tired
joke
of some pathetic
love song

No, THIS
is my “Swan Song”
Where I belong
This sh@t is ON!

Climbing the mountain strong
Bellowing a chant
a song
That’s been so deep within
for so long
It can only come out
Right
Because “wrong”
does not belong
This virus
is airborne

No longer forlorn
All the darkness
is gone
You have been
forewarned
Are you ready?
Because it’s coming
Sounding the horn
Sacrificed
the firstborn
The “storm”
Once icy and cold
Now simmering warm
Going to bubble into
volcanic ash scorned
This Oath
hath been sworn
Tattered and torn
**** cloth
all that is worn

But forward my path
What’s behind me
My ***
The past
Worn out,
decayed,
and shriveling trash
All that
is gone
as I head
towards the dawn
Through the darkness
I’ve trekked
The Sun rises ahead
And with it
My song

My Swan Song
I am reborn
withered and worn
But still strong
I belong
I am one
with the Universe
The path before me
is brightly lit
with happiness and joy
No more patheticness
All the grit
and the spit
Broken teeth
All that sh@t
It all meant something
It was THIS

Every bruise
Every break
All the “wrongs”
and “mistakes”
Are what it takes
You can call it fate
or simply short of fatal
but since
neonatal
through this day till
Every day
I thankfully say
“Thank you”
for showing me the way
Because now I have
A love that stays
A true love
One that can’t
get away
Because I value Me
One ‘hopes’ or ‘prays’
But like a house
Each brick is laid
Onto the next
Foundation made
A sturdy house
Can’t blow away
Hard work put in
Made it this way
The same for me
The price I paid
But end result
A saving grace

Tick tock
Tick Tock
It's late
tock Tick  
tock Tick  
I'm wired
Tick
I'm tired
Tock
I'm wired I'm tired I'm tired I'm wired
Tick-tock tock-tick
Tick tock tickety tock  
tickety tick tickety tock
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up-shut up
shut the **** up
you stupid fu-cking clock
I'm tired
I'm wired
If I don't get some sleep I'll get fired
Tick-tock tock-tick
Tick tock tickety tock  
tickety tick tickety tock
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up-shut up
shut the **** up
you stupid fu-cking clock
Some sleep
Can't sleep
My mind
Just creeps
Just blind
Count sheep
Do'n't work
Each peep
Alert
Can't sleep
Create
Won't sleep
And think
Don't sleep
Excite
**** sleep
**** sleep!
**** SLEEP
Tick-tock tock-tick
Tock-tick tick-tock
Tick tock tickety tock  
tickety tick tickety tock
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up-shut up
shut the **** up
you stupid fu-cking clock
Alarm
Goes beep
Oh well
No sleep
Need sleep
**** work
I'll sleep

I’m so tired of that just friends ****.
How far can we take this? When do we stop labeling our love as a friendship and call it what it is?

I’m so tired of these one night stands, rushing to put my clothes on after ***, leaving no trace of myself but the sent of our lust filled passion on your sheets.

I’m so tired of hiding in the shadows, being your late-night *******, saying “I’m just not ready for a relationship.” Yet your ready to spread my legs, and i let you because of the trance you put me in when i look in your eyes.

I’m so tired of being that girl.