Simply gone is where you are,
You're out of place and lost in space,
You visualize inside your brain,
A world in which you define as sane.

Joy is found so tangible here,
There is no pain or vein or fear,
Hurtful thoughts reside inside,
But release themselves wet from the eye.

Everyone has this world them self,
To be grown and to own their mental heath,
No record of thoughts to be spoken of or read,
This world of mine to design lies within my head.

Neurons travel and wind
around your head like
draping tree branches, Christmas lights,
strings of tangled red yarn
weaving a possible
fate.

When the cords are
simply content with
remaining relatively still,
being with you
is like
sailing on smooth,
tranquil, clear blue waters
of a vast, magnificent
ocean,
a blossomed sunset
in the distance
dripping on white, sandy shores
of an island of lost paradise
awaiting our arrival.

But when the cords
flail and twist, tying each other
into knots and cutting off
the clearness
and levelheadedness of thought,
being with you
is like
trying to hang on to
the back of a typhoon,
frigid black waters flailing,
crashing against
foamy, thick quicksand,
roars and curses of a
tyrant sea god
raging seas of water against
the skies,
rapidly expelling
hurtful, sharp anchors and lunging
them to the bottom
of our sandy beds.

And I wonder
what it would be like had I
possessed more
powerful features
as your sea goddess,
as the moon and stars
from above,
and the sandy beds
below that would
catch both
hurtful anchors and
salty tears
you let loose.

I was your best friend, 

But, one fine evening,

You surprised me by the words you said.
You, had proposed me that day,

And our relationship status got changed by words that day. 

I was quite happy because I knew, you will never take any wrong step. 
And will never break my heart,
And will never hurt me hard.

Best friends now had become boy friend and girl friend.

It was cute and different.

But that was not love, I thought. 

That was friendship from heart. 

You said, "it's love, true and pure love dear, you will also feel the same, spend some time other than being best friends."

Finally, one fine day some miracle might have had happened, 

I fell in love with you. 

It was truly a love relationship for me, by words and heart. 

From then some feelings really changed.

A few days later, you said, you want to confess something, 

I thought, you now might want to marry me. 

I was so happy, I can't share in words. 

I was waiting for your arrival.

Sayed, this was true and pure love- friendship, then lovers and then married couples.
I was awesome happy from core of my heart.

You came, but accompanied with a unknown girl,

And said, "let's be best friends again, because she is the girl for whom I have fallen in love forever."

"What about us?", I enquired.

"We! We were not made for love affair. Friendship is only ok for us."

I was shocked, surprised and shattered.

You have by then broken my heart.

It took long two years since then, 

To rise up and live again.

I, finally promised myself,

Not to fall in love again.

Then again we met on a cloudy day.

You said, you are single again.

Your words, your behaviour, your attitude,

All were strange that day.

I felt, I was talking to some stranger,
Who is not my best friend.

That night you came at my place again.

And said, "let's fall for each other again."

I was very sure with myself,
And rejected your proposal face to face.

You requested me to think over and over again.

"I am sure, I don't want to fall for you again."

Hearing my words, you left the place.

No talk, no promises, no connection since then.

And, now, after a decade, you have come again and saying,

"Tell me something so hurtful that I don't miss you forever."

Why such downmarket things you are speaking?

What I said that day, are still my words, today.

If this is not hurtful, then put yourself in my shoes,

And imagine how much hurt I have got,

Which had made the heartful girl so very heartless.

Today I got a heartache, it wasn't so bad
I told her my feelings but she just look back
It ain't even that hurtful, it ain't even sad
I just got to work out some things that I lack

Today I got a heartache, twice I think too.
Crushes aren't my strong spot. But I know what they meant
When they said no, I smirked and just say thank you
For their honesty and for my further development

Today I got a heartache, it stings now I know
I was hurting a lot and in progress, I reap what I sow
Doubts start to drown and I begin to fall
Should I keep on going or should I just stall.

Today I got a heartache, it was subtle and clean
But the girl is not bad, she was not mean
She said I am sorry and things will be just fine
I don't know if that's true. down the line

My head suddenly fell down, and I start to frown
How can I turn this around, I know that I should not be a clown

Today I got a heartache, a devastating one for sure
I was really rooting for myself, I got myself to endure
All those efforts and all those what I make
But she suddenly have someone now, and that I can't take

Today I got a heartache, it seems so repeating
When I try to change myself, I just keep on believing
But again it fell flat and all went bad
Will this continue while I am being sad?

Today I got a heartache, it's dreary and frustrating
I should get over it, I should just say it's okay
But the feeling is gone and I am in dismay
From staking everything, now I feel nothing

Today... I got a heartache, and I broke my own promise
It seems it always happens, like a cycle that keeps repeating
The feeling of affection I long, and that is now I miss
Please help me remember what is love and what should I believe in

But the cycle continues until someone saves me

She said to me,
If that's the way I wanted it,
Then that's the way it should be,
It's not the way I want,
There is no way I would ever want,
To lose a friend is hard,
To lose a good friend even harder,
To lose the best friend ever,
Is without a doubt harder,
Than anything I've done before,
Tears don't tell the story,
Heart again being torn to shreds,
She was the one who pasted all the parts together again,
And now she leaves?
Without tears,
Just walked away,
As if nothing means nothing no more,
An easy goodbye,
Like all was nothing all along,
Just a pretend love,
Illusory, and made up,
Pretend.

How can I live happily,
When my mother constantly criticizes me,
Refuses to admit when she is wrong,
Rejects all of my friends.
Calls me hurtful names,
Under-estimates me,
Invades my privacy,
And demoralizes me?

I'm tired.

Tired of you

and the **** you keep texting me.

Tired of the many excuses

& all yo threats **** yo *** funny.

Tired of how you assume so much,

shut the **** up.

Everything ain't about you,

her,  them or him.

Most of times it's

whatever
I ******* feel like writing.

I'm tired of how you
still try to dictate to me,

******* please
YO *** ain't mines.

When I left you,
it was over your lies,
cheating, your mental,
physical plus emotion abuse,

oh wait don't forget your deceitfulness,
your decorum of begin
a unscrupulous
sorry excuse of a man,

Yo *** tried it calling me
a  N...,
over 4 times.

I bet yo  wanna be
"Italian" ***
liked all this "N!"
did fo you...

Member I was with yo ***
when you were broken,
homeless, penniless
even toothless,
yo *** still toothless,
and  you were still
trying to be a player boo!

You tried to blame me for all
the ****** off **** you've done to me,

but like I been told you
when you begged me back

"all I wanted back
then from you was
money & ****"

No one used you- you played ya **** self,

call me user, gold-digger it's not gon help.

I stopped being in love with you long ago,

I know you seen it when Yo *** tried it,

I been told you- don't put yo

motha ******* hands on me,

you had to finally find out the hard way,

told you stay the **** outta my face,

you screaming loudly in my ear,

trying to scare me

please.

I'm from Brooklyn- fighting meant
some days we got to eat!

You thought because
of what the Arab dude

did to me I'd be scare of

" you",

even at his ****** off worst

that motha ****** -the best at abuse

was 10xs better than you.

You say you want me back,

then flip out cause

I'm not interested,
not when you've still be on some kid level ****!

claimed you want to help,
when I need some money,
you think you slick,
helping a few times, claimed as a friend
then saying I have to be yo woman,
your just a sorry *** liar,
I no longer need that
little once a month $200 dollars,
naw man like I been told you,
I'm not for sell & you you will
never own me.

You once, well a few times told me
I was your property,

I find it funny,

how I belong to you when
I'm my own woman?

You then say I used you but how is it possible

when since I left you I told you upfront son

all I wanted was yo **** & some money,

Now ***** you say and ****,

you called me that

through out our sorry ***
3 year relationship,

I'll be a ***** & a ****

**** I don't give a ****,

"My truth"
is you was
the only one I used to ****

oh wait your warped mind
you say making love,
but you don't know the meaning of love.
I know the differences

and trust me or don't but

you got ok ****  just it ain't
that back breaking- making
love type ****,

it never was,

sorry boo, you only
know how to ****,

**** UP PEOPLES LIVES

**** UP YOUR OWN

**** UP FAMILY'S HAPPY LIL HOME

**** up a good time and **** up the world

your just **** up and ****** off with your

insults and lame words

put me down it doesn't hurt no mo,

I know I'm better off t
hen ever again being yo girl.

Believe what ever you like

long as we just say good-bye

as the song goes

BLAME IT ON ME

long as we ain't doing
this no more.

I could care less,

claim I'll never change

but the only who hasn't
gotten help or changed in
the slightest is you and I'm not
yo door mat,

I'm not what you need

try a straightjacket

long as you go do
that **** the ****

away from me.

Yo *** hate to see me
happy even when

I was with you,

your a miserable
type of person,

and a lonely, sad ****,

a 45 year old fool.

Last time we was together

I couldn't wait to be rid of you,

ya just annoying now,

always trying to manipulate
your rules & dictations,

or get your own way,
trying to force yourself

into my life

ya always trying to be spiteful,
plus hurtful

even to ya own father
& that **** was over a bike...

not a motorcycle,
a ****** off pedal bike!

These are all the reasons
why I left you,

but you can tell em all you left me

it doesn't matter cuz at the end of the day

I'm finally happy

being on my own, no accusations, ridicule,

abuse or any other ****** off problems

from you,

and while I'm happy weather

for a moment or a lifetime

I'll live it up & do as I ******* please.

I'm so tired of this same old thing,

comforting you, explaining literally

every single thing

having to always justify myself to you,

WHO
the **** are you?

You don't deserve a answer

so MIND YO ******* business man!

This is my life & that of my children

& I'm a do as I **** well please!

if you were a good person in general,

treated me like a man should

things would of been so completely different,

The problem ain't me

as I used to believe,

it's you and I'm

I'm tried,

TIRED OF YOU!

(you'll never be good or good to me)


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

young girls and women stay in toxic, unhealthy relationships because they think it’s love.
we call getting scolded in public for walking too fast love.
when we hear “you’re not going out in that, you want attention” we think, “wow, he thinks i’m so beautiful, i’m so in love, he wants me all for himself.”
no. he’s not being protective and he’s not in love or he would proudly hold your hand with a smile on his face, but more importantly a smile on your face down that sidewalk and not worry about whether your shirt came up a little too much past your belly button or if your shorts were too short, who cares? you thought. but you change because you think he loves you.
but you shouldn’t be tugging at your shirt the next time you wear it out again, you shouldn’t be throwing those shorts away because of a man who doesn’t know what love is.
laughter and bliss is the medicine. you both would agree.
so forced happiness and smiles is what the world sees. you know that.
fake social media posts about how their man treats them so good and it doesn’t get better than him and how they are so happy, the happiest they’ve ever been. so so happy.
the people closest to you see otherwise.
i know those songs will remind you of him, i know how long it took you to put together a playlist, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate it as much as you would have liked him to. i know that scent you smelled reminded you of him and that certain time of the year is painful because that’s where it all started.
you and him.
the chaos.
hurt people hurt people.
you both poke and say the things knowing it’s gonna hurt there.
you use words like weapons until one day, the hurtful stinging words aren’t enough.
your arms are pulling back, ready to punch, hit, whatever is spitting out those disgusting words.
then you both realize..
the person who you thought was your protecter, your friend, a role model, is none of those things.
they want to see you cry because then they know, they are in control.
that can shape you and form you into whatever they want.
you let them because you think it’s love.
to the girl wondering why she isn’t enough, to the girl crying off her leftover mascara from last nights arguments.
to the girl who thinks she will never find better because she’s convinced she is so in love with a boy who will replace her the next time she walks out because her instincts tell her to.
he doesn’t love you.
he will say he’s only human and everybody make mistakes.
he’s not love.
your gut is trying to tell you that you are not happy.
please listen.
those moments of anger are going to keep happening.
he will do more and more to hurt you and he knows he can because you let it happen.
you let it happen.
nobody is left to feel bad for you anymore.
because in the end, you let it happen.
this is a sign you need to walk away, i know there were some happy moments, full of laughter but remember how he never wiped your tears away or how he kept doing the one thing you said not to do. how he yelled so loud knowing you hate loud noises because they remind you of the painful times. how he made you do the things you didn’t want to do. how you thought you were saving a falling angel but you didn’t see how the demons were smiling at your cracking heart when you leaned in for a make up hug...
how he left your soul cold.
remember the nights when you couldn’t fall asleep because you knew he was getting over you and it killed a little piece of your heart.
you kept killing your heart and now you’re scared of letting your fragile walls down for someone else but you don’t wanna know someone else.
to the girl with tears in her eyes looking at a phone screen reading this
take a deep breath.
leave.
don’t look back.
stick to loving yourself until someone that knows how to love, that is capable of true love comes to save you from your suffering.
you will find love,
heal yourself.
find yourself.
to me:
read this again please,
and remember the hurt.
A.

I remember those rainy nights when I would lock myself in my room.
Because I didn't want to become a victim of your hurtful words & fits of rage.
Nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be when it came to us.
& maybe it was better that way .
Because in the end everything that was wrong for other people
Was right for us
But I left you
And all that I had ever loved was taken away from me that night.
The long, run out love letters
The high pitched weeping filled voicemails .
It made me realize
That the endless yelling & countless fights
Were all for not .
& all trickled down to one more sweet love song I could no longer sing
Because now
It was no longer in my key.