I feel like the worse part about losing someone that you really care about is you lose someone that you confided in about everything. You stay up until the late hours of the morning talking about things you’ve been through, you become vulnerable. You open up about things you never would and you hope that things wont change. Feelings develop and you put yourself out there. You tell them how you feel and they give you a confusing/ indirect answer, but you’re not upset because you felt like it was too soon to say anything anyways. You promise that things won’t change. But soon you realize that they’re becoming more distant. The facetime calls stop, the text conversations become uninteresting. The vibe changes and you can’t help but think it’s because you opened up, maybe too much. You’re confused, annoyed but most of all sad and it’s not because the person doesn’t like you back, but it’s because now it feels like you’ve lost a friend and I’m tired of losing real ones like you.
You can call me many things, but clueless is not one of them.
My intuition is something serious-
I came in and saw two half burned candles sitting on top of the mini fridge.
- the cheap kind.
The room was particularly clean, almost like you had company.
- Your shoes were evenly stacked, thats new.
The closet and dry erase board oozed out secrets of a planned night.
- spontaneity has never been your strong suit.
Sheets & comforter- smelled of fake passion and sweat.
No stain on the sheets,
- you better believe I checked.
You created a soul tie-
- with someone new.
& your single, so you ought too.
So why did I feel my stomach go empty-
It doesn’t matter,
I know she didn’t make your back arch how I did.
My skills- she lacked.
Thank you for letting me walk in an see this.
Everything was so perfectly staged-
I know you didn’t want to tell me, probably hoped that I would peep it.
At first, I was shocked by blatant disrespect.
I could feel your lack of care deepen.
But there’s no need to apologize
- I finally got everything I needed.
My older sister told me that the first rule of life is self preservation-
And I am learning that.
First step for me is saying thank you...
To my ex who thought I was a punching bag instead of his blessing
Thank you -
You taught me how to strengthen my mind with these rhymes when you told me that I would never be good enough.
There's more beauty in resilience than endurance
cause you were losing your mind and I was running out of time.
To the preacher who thought I was too tainted and missed the God in me
Thank you -
You taught me that your past is a lesson and the fact I survived mine is a blessing.
To the one who thought that the part between my thighs wasn't a gold mine
but rather a field of lilies that you thought you were worthy enough to pluck
Thank you -
You taught me how to heal & to be whole again-
and that forgiveness is a level of deepeness that I haven't quite conquered yet.
Fear should be the 8th deadliest sin
because with fear you can't win
and that's all us brown girls know how to do.
You taught me that your actions do not make me inadequate
& that I can't quit on this journey for self love
because of you, now I rise above.
I'm afraid that I put them under the impression that I was made to please them
& that's crazy because I was under the impression that they understood me better.
The first thing you should know about me, is that I am not for you-
A lot more will make sense after that.
You shouldn't lie to her
because if you look deep into her eyes
you can see that she clings on to every last word that you have ever said,
it's not fair to her to have to live up to the standards of me
she'll never reach those expectations.
she's trying to take possession of your heart
- trying to play my part
"Now she's calling your phone
and rolling her eyes at me
like I'm the one who did her wrong"
she knows that my love still lingers through the halls of your mind
and these facts just continue to mold her into the possessive little fein she is
I remember those rainy nights when I would lock myself in my room.
Because I didn't want to become a victim of your hurtful words & fits of rage.
Nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be when it came to us.
& maybe it was better that way .
Because in the end everything that was wrong for other people
Was right for us
But I left you
And all that I had ever loved was taken away from me that night.
The long, run out love letters
The high pitched weeping filled voicemails .
It made me realize
That the endless yelling & countless fights
Were all for not .
& all trickled down to one more sweet love song I could no longer sing
It was no longer in my key.
The scent of my father never became the norm for me.
The scent of my mother was one I knew all too well.
I loved her smell of vanilla in the winter time .
But I think that's all we had in common
Our scent .
My father on the other hand was like my conjoined twin
The same in mind, heart, & soul.
But something about his scent just didn't sit well with me
So when he came back and told me he loved me
I just couldn't .
But your heart follows me everywhere I go
& I wish it didn't.
I wish you would take it back & act like I was nothing to you ,
Just please do this one favor for me ,
Love me but leave me alone
& take your scent of deception with you .
and everything in me just wants to run and hide
so please please just let me have her
because she wants me
an in this moment
all I wanna feel is wanted .
revised TV line