Days painted gray
Suffocating with forever darkness
Standing before a mirror
Bleeding cracks upon my wrist
Nails digging deep in my neck
Torn skin in search of happiness
Aching head banged against walls
Causing too much pain to myself

I am unfixable

Tears forever escape my eyes
Nose bleeds red tears
Too many Xanax's for me to bare
Not enough alcohol
Too numb the aching in my body

I am shaking
I am alone
I am ****** up
I am hurting
I am broken
I am angry
I am dissatisfied
I am insane
*I am unfixable

A broken love
the broken eyes
The reason why my mind is uncontrolable
Convince to the greater good
I try in my mind
but i don't to eyes
I look up to people
but I look down
The truth is unspoken
except to the broken
Cover up the oblivious
at the end
everything stays
unforgettable
unfixable
broken

you're the iceberg to my titanic .
you took me by surprise..
and left me in a wreck .
left a hole in the center of my heart
made me unfixable and cold and *broken

No I am not
Bullet proof.
Yes if you shoot.
I will die.
I will probably die if you even just looked at me.
I stop breathing every time you speak.
It's quite odd.
I can't stand to be around you.
Only because I want to be around you.
Something is odd about you.
Non judgmental you.
You somehow know what to say.
You know what I've gone through.
You know what it's like.
To slice up your perfect pale skin.
You know what it's like to want to die.
You know what it's like to be unfixable.
That's the state I'm in.
Broken and unfixable.
Like an egg...
Oh gosh here we go again on eggs emily.
Eggs once they splat are unfixable.
Unfixable
Forever.
That's me.
An egg.
I'm
Nothing
But
An
Egg?
True?
Or false?

Bipolar.

The toxic word flickers across the blue screen, taunting my tears into reckoning. Everything makes sense now. Now I know each time my feelings crash there is no reason, no problem, no answer. Just disorder. My disorder. It’s swirling in my veins, intoxicating me like a drug, and sometimes I like it.

Each manic moment is incomprehensible perfection, with I as the center of its universe. The world is mine to own, the Gods mine to control. Every movement is unstoppable, the energy seeping out of my very pores. Words come easily; all I am is a flowing expression of the beauty within. Nothing is above me, all are below. I am flawless. Why can’t everyone be so perfect?

Yet each depressed crash sends me spiraling into a darkness I have never known. My nails become bitten, my hair a tangled mess. Every turn I find myself nothing but alone, no one around to notice or care or even see. They are better, everything’s better, as long as it’s without me.

I am a cyclical monster, luring in my prey before dragging it into the pits of my own personal hell. Every shattered shard refracts inviting light, yet they cut deep and only capture people in a lethal web. I am breakable, unfixable. Every shade of me I thought I understood is now a vague gray. Is this smile mine? Are these tears real? Am I feeling pain or is it just the chemicals and synapses dancing haphazardly in my brain, concocting this uncontrollable body that I do not know?

I cannot hinder my blood from screaming for help, but my heart cannot tell what my lips refuse to speak. Lips lie when I try to hide, the habitual sin I can never break. People must be punished for their sins. Locked within my prison, kept without my food, begging to be unchained yet pleading to cement my sentence. A prisoner cannot **** when they are dead.

He asks to help, but he is ignorant to the truth. My arms pull him close while my heart shoves him far away, dooming my flicker of a fantastical romance before it begins. It shoves them all away. The choice is shove or break. No one deserves this, the swirling vortex of uncertainty, depression, mania, unknown. How could I break them too? The only paths before me are to lose them or hurt them. Losing them would **** me; hurting them would **** me. My heart will be murdered either way. How inevitable it is for me to be dead.

This disorder is not terminal, yet its killing me quietly, so slowly, and forcing me to feel alone in even the most crowded room. To become an alien in my own world. They want to save me, but they don’t understand, she doesn’t understand, I am too afraid to understand. It won’t be spoken. Only on paper can my iron heart ease, only alone can I say what I know is real.

Bipolar.

I guess it's over.
Water has spilled all over our ink
and now our words are blurry.
Unreadable.
Unfixable.

But what do you care?
You were the one who tipped
the glass over.

Have you ever been under the influence so long
That when you are forced to stop
To come up for air
Everything feels
Unfamiliar?
Sobriety chokes you
Traps you
Makes your heart race
Like a Chinese finger trap
You voluntarily entered into,
But now feel as though you might not escape.
The sober life is what you strive for
Long for
Dream of
Everyone around you encourages,
You can do it
One day at a time
They say
Attempting to motivate
Inspire
Help
But these are all lies
A mere hour of sobriety is too much to handle
It suffocates
Makes my hands shake
And my mind go crazy
DRINKDRINKDRINKDRINKDRINKINEEDAFUCKINGDRINKNOWGODPLEASE
Thi­s phrase repeats itself,
Over and over
No matter how many times you tell yourself
ICANDOTHIS
You know
It’s only another lie in the endless stream of pathetic, useless encouragement
You have created for yourself.
And after you say this,
ICANDOTHIS
You laugh
Knowing that it is absolutely
UNTRUE
And always will be
How can you embrace sobriety
When the bottle calls from its hiding place
The place you hid it
From your lover, family, friends
Pretending you function
Just like all of them
Waking up
Going about your life
Without panicking about when the next drink will be
When the drinks you need
Will **** you
If anyone will even notice
Or care.
Probably not,
Why should they,
Do you?
You never have.
Your life is an endless series of drinks and lies, and more drinks
And more lies.
You are nothing.
An empty cup
Waiting to be filled with the substance that will distract you from living
And then take your worthless life in the end.
Alcoholic
Forever
Unfixable.
Stop wasting our time.

she said, our life is a journey of accomplishments,
That we were programmed, we were trained
For what it has to come the other day
And at sudden something went fortunately wrong
And now we are nothing but some strayed unfixable bugs
That no one seems to care about
Did we fail to compile?
or did we not impress?
or did our programmer want us this way
for us to suffocate enough to
define the pain of failure
so we would learn to re-generate the code to the happiness
that we’ll know how to feel our self
when every sentiment on us floats away
and all we can imagine to do is dream
what would we be, if it never happened

It’s the kind of subtle trickle
That turns the asphalt into a glassy mirror
Ripples, ripples, ripples
Over it like a black pond
The silver lining of each little droplet
Streaking the sky with shades of gray
The streetlights cast an amber glow
Upon the shimmering mist
Hiss, hiss, hiss
Against your stinging flesh
Turn your face up towards the darkened sky
Let the rainfall and streetlights wash away the dust
The dust of the souls you carry on your lips and cheeks
Etched into your back and palms
Their burdens may cause you aches and pains
Let the rainfall and streetlights wash them away
Rainfall and streetlights
Rainfall and streetlights
An urban confessional
Where the sky leans in to listen
As every perfect drop of water hits your skin
It’s the sound of a cleansing
Only you can comprehend
And although the hope of purity may have been swept away
by the wind of unfixable mistakes
It’s still the belief alone in possible redemption
That keeps you from relenting to temptation
Drink up the tears of the sky, child
You are forgiven
You were always forgiven
After all
Paths were made to be strayed from
Straight lines are mundane, they all look the same
And never give a little boy glass when you haven’t taught him
how to grasp what’s right in front of him
When he drops it
It’s a dangerous job
Picking up the sharp shattered pieces
Do not make him do it all alone
Yes, inevitably you will cut yourself
On the broken shards
Crimson teardrops
If they tumble from you
Do not distrust your calluses
You made them through your own hard work and suffering
But they can only do so much for you
Remember your skin is a shell not impenetrable armor
So it’s best to avoid the things you know will cut unnecessarily deep
Bleeding is just another way your body assures you that your heart is still beating
Looking up from the gutter the universe awaits you child
Do you not realize what’s at your fingertips?
Infinity
So don’t give in just yet
Let the rainfall and streetlights heal you
Drip drop, drip drop
Let them bathe you in warmth
Radiating
Let the rainfall and streetlights take you away
To a better place
Wherever that may be

do you have any idea the amount of break up texts i have composed and written within the notes of my phone?
and i kept telling myself, that this time i would send it
yet i knew i was lying
over and over i spilled out the words
only to be unsent and deleted
maybe things need to be over with
if i'm pouring my heart out over break up words
instead of fixing things
because i know that you won't listen
i know that we are done for good
i know that things are unfixable

i can't
i can't admit it

drown in the hatred
of yourself
as they wish you were
something else
try to be good enough for them
because all you want
is to be wanted
no one's okay with who you are
not even you
bore them to death
with useless silence
and wish you knew
how to make them laugh
how to make them keep you
go back to the darkness
and let it surround you
because you're no better a person
than you were when you left it
still irrelevant
lost and hiding
notice no one
because they'll notice you
and then forget
as you fail to fill the silence
as you fail to fill what's missing in them
because there's so much missing in you
push them away
before they take hold of your heart
and drop it as if it burned them
when it only meant to be a little warm
before they see just how
unfixable you are
cringe in embarrassment
because you opened up
and no one saw what you were showing
cry rivers on the inside
because you'll never be perfect  
look at yourself
and see how you don't matter
you are no one
and to everyone
you are less
wish that mother would have
saw her mistake and ended it
so you wouldn't exist
distract yourself from this reality
before it suffocates you
with its truths you'd rather forget
-IrisMaddenPoetry