He breathes this life into me.
I come from far aways and swim in his ocean of Light but still I stray
from time
to time.
I seep filth and despair and wallow in the blackest of waves as I forsake the real Redeemer.
Where is my joy? Where is my belief in a hope that destroys all senselessness and brutality? All self deprecating and apathetic waste that I contain?
A heart differs so greatly than the other in each man and woman who has ever been alive. Prayer steadfast brings talents to the surface, and glorified by His hands we walk in a blinding outpouring of Light. Because we bear His name instead of a lie.
I tried in vain night after night, month after month, year after year to convince myself of the rightness of each word I say. Of each thought I think, **** everyone else, I was the wiser! I was the superior! I was the true victor of these broken homes we call hearts!
AND YET THERE HE WAS TO BREAK ME DOWN IN THE KINDEST AND MOST LOVING OF WAYS WHEN I DESERVE HELL!
Try believing that you were once on top of everyone elses’ brains and yet there He was to steer your so-called mighty ship away from a sheer drop in the waters— turns out you captain a pathetic dinghy.
Now breathing slowly. I close my worthless eyes and see the speck of a fraction of His glory. I walk among a pasture where tranquility and serenity reign, and I? I am a fool. I am a wandering Pharisee with a lost mind and two empty hands. I feel a heart beat fiercly within me when I think of You, I feel my soul stir to a great storm of love and awe when I see You move in the earth and in lives so closely connected with mine. I love to see You work, Father, your craft will never be challenged in all of eternity. I would trade all I’ve gained in the world to become the best daughter in You.
I am a daughter of the Most High.
He knows how I dream. He knows how passionately I desire the richest life i was called to serve for the Kingdom. I was a blessed soul. He knows. He knows how I dream. He knows what I dream of and what I cannot begin to.
So I walk onward and can only gaze at the sky, as if the blue atmospheric sea is teaching me lessons on its own. I beg for an answer, the prayer i have uttered hoarsely for so many nights: “Where am i? Where am I on this map of Yours?! I am getting crushed by the world and these walls are closing in on me. I writhe in my own agony and succumb to so much pride. I am killing me. Where am I? O Father, where am I in You?!”
And He listens. And He knows. I know He knows, and carries me ‘cross chasms and whirlpools, even when I do not feel His embrace. Soon i know these times will come. I challenged the sky no more, and take a moulding hammer to my own heart, to shape for You. I will make You proud someday, I swear.I will make this life worth something… I then ask him if I was planned for anything great at all. Was my soul charted out to someday hold and deliver power and integrity in You?
And as I listen close, every fiber of my eardrums heightened, my soul stills as I hear one thing..
He breathes. And He breathes this life in me.
06/20/2010