I remember how thick life became when you entered it.
You broke my pillars to my mind's dominion,
Shattered like crystals on the cold dusty floor.
I remember how clean you were,
So tall and strong and sturdy,
You are the farmer's prized plough horse
Yet he keeps your name from the town's prying eyes.

The picture of grace in a masculine frame!
How my own shell, feminine by birth,
Could not compare to its wispy movements,
Calculated and precise,
Chaste, pure, fast,
Unforgiving.
No room for breath in a sight so eloquent and
Visually forceful
As your graceful footfalls
When they pierce the barricades that stand
Weaker in your path.
There was no speck of dirt in your fingernails,
Your hair a billowing chestnut wave,
Snowy eyes smiled only so often,
And was your soul as clean?
(I believed, dear, that it was)

Son, you moved me like a mustard seed moved a mountain
And with those dancer's arms you spread them wide
And ascended to a height we don't know yet.

My little canary
My dear, sweet, fierce child
Pure as a bar of soap

I hope this calls you back to me
Someday.

you will be the death of this frigid soul!

how i long for togetherness and sincerity,
and the patience to hold out for what
this heart longs for most!

i must hold out,
i am a mere branch
on the Vine of all life!

there must be more to my temporal,
trivial,
petty suffering.
nothing will resound until i begin to shed these layers
of self hatred,
faithlessness,
and indulgence.

i have shed my fearful skin.

Mentor Shakespeare!
He said that expectation was the thief of all joy.
(Or was it his cousin Comparison?
It might not make a difference.)

If I may address you,
Adhered--blessed Grandfather of my soul's art,
My God's created conduit to His inspiration that flows through me constantly,
The ceaseless voice I can never shake off--
I feel this is my only release
In the pain I feel
--Blessed grandfather,
And Father,
Ease me in this tumult:
I was inclined after a few
Short grasps of eyes meeting eyes
A shared Smile
Maybe then I thought,
The loneliness could be lifted,
Drifted,
Acquitted,
Only just for a moment!
Only just for a brief break from the drab outline of the life I call mine!
(And yet, it is not!)

I thought perhaps I was worth a moment
Of a precious creation's time.
Was it not commonplace to build such dreams
In the sand of my stormy shore'd mind

But Fathers,
What sparks!
What electricity can bring down the tallest tower that stands alone in the barrenness of the world,
To an elevated illumination in the highest clouds of the most brilliant heaven of Love!
Ah, the sharpness of the memories jolts me still!
But what of it?
All my visions are turned to naught,
And I have been struck down
And returned to the far corners where I am unreached.
Alone and unsought,
Feasibly content, the tallest tower remains in its solitude,
Unaware that the absence of life cannot render a knowledge of its true state.

What a sad shape we are in,
To expect the world, over a single pearl found
On the tossed beach of the soul.

I’ve felt the damage and burn from the fallout.
My love failed but theirs prevailed.
My friends, I’m only flesh and bone, but I won’t let you die alone.
So leave our hearts at the foot of the mountain.
Let our burdens be locked in the stone.
If you will help me roll it upward,
I won’t let you die alone.
I see a beauty springing upward from the earth and from out our hearts.
For all the bad that seems to plague us, I swear to you there’s good.
They say that death is not a problem, it’s a promise,
I can only say for sure that when it makes your bed I’ll kiss your head “Goodnight.”
So speak of all the love we lost, and what it cost us,
Left us beg our breath to stop but we kept on and
We were strong. We stayed bright as lightning,
we sang loud as thunder, we moved ever forward.
We are not our failures. We are love.

Reach your hands out to sea
I’ll take them willingly
If you would so benignly please
An unworthy host as me.

I could believe in hope elsewhere
To run a hand through other soft hair
But I am far too unaware
Of strength residing deep down there.

You meant too much
I felt too little
When I was with you
All along

Called out of border
To carry the fears away
Of the peoples’ dreams
Seaside homes, under a great
Dark
Cloud.

Unbeknownst to me, I left
With you behind, I hardly wept
You tried to hold me close
With eyes beseeching
Won’t you love me?
With me breathing,
Can’t I love her?

You tried, I failed
You believed that love would dwell in my heart for you
I had missed any intentions
Of a future
Bright
Between the spaces of our fingers
Holding on
To the other.

Dreams have soared through my nighttime mind
Your hands may still stretch out
And I could perhaps
Dream of a day where it would kick enough sense around
In this
****
Brain

That I should have loved you when I had the chance.

But for now across this sea
A life is lost
My only companion is this gray dog
He never leaves my side

I should have never left yours.

My breath contracts as the night begins.
I slide between the stone streets,
Divide through alleys like a wisp of
Faint air drifting through this
Atmosphere.

Break forward.
There is this voracious silence,
Eats all but me and the moon's daunting smile

I smile against the darkness,
Seperate from the night.
Cold air speaks to my throat,
This task will be met
By my transclucent grasp
On reality...

My heart is the anchor that drowns me in ankle deep water.
The shore is so close..
I dare not wade farther into the depths i have already wandered into.
Pull me back to shore.
The turnabout begins now.

I will float on
And this night will remain my home
Yet I will be the streetlights and the promise of dawn

I should let you know
I was not a fool
I was not a muse
I was not a truce
Between the below and above
I imagined myself a djinn
A powerful being,
Being, so many kinds of people.
All their positivity, I drank each with fervour
Every unique trait I had ever come across
Became my own effortlessly.

So cool, so cool, so cool...

And as my mind drifts into a dream light, I wander...

My soul is lost on a shore.
Sunlight streams in and nothing can destroy it
The leaves shake the trees and I am surrounded by bliss.

Emotions were ripped out of me at a young age,
Ones I did not know I could feel!
And yet--This adrenaline--
It provides me with the grip on my calling.

I will live to realize this soul rooted wish.
You will be honoured.

And so I wander into the night.
Day in, day out.
The moon grins with ****** intent,
But I am the streetlights and the promise of dawn.

Leaking through my veins,
Seeping past my heart
It freezes my soul,
Can’t get past the cold
air of the dark-
ness
that I breathe in,
Scream to fight off
But it won’t stay off
I’m betrayed and I’m frayed to shards of
an old ghost:
Lost my glow
Lost that elected touch.

Oh I want the goodness,
But the goodness don’t want me.
Or could it be I’ve fought
for too long, now it
seems i’m not as strong due to
desensibility, ******* the passion out of me
I’m made to resonate kindness
Emulate a bright bliss
But I grab for transience,
Trading that omniscient light for a couple cents
In comparison, where’s that dream of intelligence
busting from my heart and spirit’s senses,
Now I spend my days hopping fences,
breathing relentlessly heaving from thinking,
endlessly drinking, my mind has been sinking
and I am seemingly drowned out,
Found out,
I’m nothing without some fearlessness,
I called out some where in the Out There
My ears shut out the world,
at last, my last inch of hope is straining
to pick up a sound,
gracefully deigning to
reach me:

I’m not a lost soul,
adrift in some dark cold
sea on an isolated glacier
composed of only lonesomeness,
and ice water.