The truth is, though;
I will always have leftover feelings for you...
And you, and you, and you.

I put so much of myself into the time I had with you-
That when the end came near-
I had to leave a piece of myself with you so I'd never have to carry it around with me.

And that is why:
My mind always wanders back around...
At some point, random memories sneak in.
At some point, I remember what it felt just lay next to you.
At some point, I think back to giggling along to the jokes we told.
And each moment I fall all over for you, even if for a few seconds.
That is why I will always have leftover feelings for you.

It’s not always that I’m reminded of the fun we had
Only sometimes when I let myself go
Deep into my memories, most have faded away
But a few remain

Some arguments, lots of jokes and laughs, a few nights in tears
And all that’s fine
It’s just the less I know of you now the more it all seems faked
Is my mind playing another trick on me
Or is that just you

Again, I fall deep into my memories
Why do you block the exit?

I only write letters to you when the leaves change colors,
My mood starts to bend as the winter wind blows in.
The gardens are wilting but I'm steadily growing,
Rising higher as the sunset comes earlier.
Do you think the snow will come this year?
Will it feel like home used to?
Upwards on the map where winter is a battle between the sun and the moon;
Winds chill bones, rattle teeth, and shake hands.
Will the paved streets sparkle with ice as the midnight hour creeps across the sky?
Think of me when you sit by the bonfires
Friends will laugh along and music will dance in the smoke,
But will it still feel like fall without me there?

Nostalgia crashed head on-
Its headlights seared into my eyes and blinded me as I drove 80 down the rainy highway.

The roads have always been in this same spot,
But 3 months ago my stomach didn't flip and flutter as I rounded each corner
Every sign didn't glow as bright red as they do right now,
And the letters STOP seem to mean something more than a sturdy press on the brakes.

These streets look different from behind a steering wheel..
Do I miss sitting on the passenger side, legs crisscrossed on the seat, staring out the window at the stretch of nothing
Or do I miss the one who always drove the car-
Route memorized, something I could never catch the hang of,
I always miss this exit, he never thought twice about which one it was.

I wonder if I can race nostalgia past the stop lights,
Fly by when it flashes neon green-
It's all meant to be left in the past anyways.

I can’t shake the feeling that we are not
Finished.
Like I’ve been writing a story, but can’t type the
Ending.
Conversation with you is short, and mostly
Halted-
By your spacious replying and conversation
Unexciting.

One part of me wants nothing left to do with you,
While another begs you to pick up the phone so I can hear hello.
One part of me wants to delete your number and text threads,
While another adds an extra heart by your name and changes the pictures.
One part of me wants to give the other guy a chance,
While another feels guilty since there was no proper ending.

Letting go seemed easy while I wrote it all out
But then came time to conclude this poem

You're never available anymore
and plans are cancelled before confirmed
I want you around like you were last year
But, I've marked my calendar and you're not here.

Strange- how you have changed
Given 365 days and I'm not sure you're the same.
Yes, I'm happy you've grown- sculpted yourself,
And there's no denying I've changed too,
But you put me on a shelf.

Yet, you still hold onto me
I'm unsure of what you're going to do
We're becoming new people- do you agree
I'm keeping a tight hold on something involving you
Maybe
Let's just cut the connection to start progressing
Find where we should be.

I'm lost in the city
But I'm taking my time
The streets keep talking to me
They're asking how everyone can spend so much time looking down and straight ahead
When a whole world grows rapidly above them

Buildings grow into the stars
A new styled solar system
They dance among the clouds
Wisping fluffs of greys and whites
When I look, I know that I want to be where it all connects

I am gliding down hills
I am fumbling through crosswalks
I am slipping past street signs
because I can't keep my feet on the ground and my head from that new world

do you remember
sitting on the trampoline
deep into the night
hours unknown but the moon told us his story
used the stars as his main characters
and the sun as his lover

do you remember
counting blades of grass
watching the patch of dirt grow larger
as you pulled each peice of green seperate from the earth
but got sad when i yanked the dandelion from the ground
and tossed it into the driveway

do you remember
how cold the lake water was on my hands
and how the trees seemed to have more of a conversation than we did
although the park bench was fine in the moment
your friends couch was where i felt we should stay
and in the morning i couldnt remember the silence from before

do you remember
feeling like there was no end coming fast without reason
feeling like each day could be something new for us
feeling like you did on drunken nights laying on that small mattress

do you remember feeling

I miss last summer
And mattresses on the floor
And empty liquor bottles
And coming back for more.

I miss the beginning
How strange it might have seemed
That the adventures I now look back on
Now sit on my mind like fuzzy dreams.

Your car was way too hot for me
Most rides were windows down
Can’t forget falling asleep in your passenger seat
Whenever you drove around.

Each day was nothing different
Laying on that trampoline became routine
But that’s what I loved the most
Like in a movie, we played the scenes.

I miss last summer
And a room without a door
And a front porch covered in people
With the one that I adored.

I had a dream
I was in your bed
Painting pictures at 3 pm
We weren't together
But I was still there
Comfortable in the friendship we still have left
You came home
Started painting too
We finished up
Cleaned our brushes
And made plans to start picture two
Next weekend, then the next
I nice rotation
A series of paintings.

I keep replacing that night
That night that made my ribs ache most
Pounding chest and watered eyes as you told me
You could feel yourself fading from me
Panic crept into my throat and choked me up
You probably thought the only reason
I didn’t fight was because I was such a closed off person
But my words kept slamming against the back of my teeth
My tongue sliced the air so no sound could escape

You asked for a hug
But my hands were still tight under my thighs
Focused on not trembling as hard as they are as I write this now

I thought this was only something you felt when
The one you still love no longer loves you
Turns out I get to experience the same emotion
As I now force myself to find a love meant for you.

You are the lump in my throat,
And I am trying not to choke
On words unsaid
And notes unread.
But the letters have started to look jumbled,
My voice is coming out mumbled
And I cannot remember what it was
That I was waiting to discuss.
But here you are, you’re laying against me now,
A tight line is formed against my mouth
And I’m trying to tell you just how I feel
But the sentences I form will not become real.

On my bookshelf sits a cup of cigarettes,
Menthols-
But I’m not a smoker.
Every now and then I pull out my lighter
Take a few drags
And curse at myself for letting go once again-
But I’m not a smoker.
And it’s not an addiction.
It’s simply lost willpower
Letting myself drop the promises I make to myself
To sit and smoke a few
Taste the burnt mint roll across my tongue-
But I’m not a smoker.
I always buy a new pack
When I notice the cup running low,
Never let it empty completely
That would mean I smoke-
But I'm not a smoker.

Tonight, I scrubbed at my body like my skin was trying to forget you.
I pressed soap into every individual pore as hard as I once wrapped myself around you,
Stripped my hair of all oils so that it could no longer feel like how your fingers ran through it
And let the bubbles run down the curves of my body as I turned the water so hot-
My skin glowed red and angry, I wasn’t sure if it was at you, or me.
The steam evaporated into the ceiling as quickly as you did when I drove away.

I stepped out- skin burning and fingers like raisins,
Collarbones red from scrubbing so roughly,
Hair tangled and dripping, soap still running down my back
Drops of water tracing each knot in my spine before dripping into the puddle at my feet.
I wrapped the towel tightly around me and it didn’t feel like you any longer,
It finally felt like I washed you down the drain.
New skin will grow over and I will finally belong to myself again.

There is a hole in our boat,
and though it be still small,
I tread the water lightly around it-
for every careful step i take to patch it back again
only cracks it open farther.

Instead of rowing on the water
we are swimming and fighting to keep afloat-
still trying to save the vessel that is already underwater.
Our feet can't touch the bottom,
but we still look and press to feel grounded against open water.

Paddles snapped in two long ago,
floating farther from where we float.
All i want is to keep rowing-
shore has to be close now.

You said you needed space
So I gave you to the universe
But you got lost among the stars, trapped against a moon,
And you asked for me to bring you back.

You said you needed to stay closer
So I put you back in my box
But claustrophobia got the best of you, shrunk yourself smaller,
And you asked me for more room.

You said you wanted distance
So I left for somewhere new
Though adventure was just down my street, I left for cities farther,
And I asked for you to follow.

My thoughts take a numbing halt
Lightning strikes down my spine
I cannot feel, but I can still see.

The world continues moving around me,
Though, I am stuck in repetition
Cannot pull myself out of my own head
It is like I am living each day in a false reality.

I am not walking around my neighborhood each morning,
Instead I am following beside a girl who looks and acts as I do.
I watch her comb through the thoughts in her mind;
Pick apart each problem and wonder how she has decided to solve them.
She gently pushes herself to continue down another street,
For she will not return home until her mind is settled.
Today she is a ghost of whoever she used to be.
In the final moment,
As my mind nearly slips away entirely,
We become one body again as I round the corner back to my street-
My house approaches and I catch up to my feet again.

I liked it better,
when you kept your clothes on the floor of my closet-
Keeping your shirts on hangers between my own
was a connection I didn't know I needed so badly.

I felt like I had more security
Knowing you always had a reason
to come back to me.

Your black and grey t shirt feels a lot more loose
now that we've disconnected.
I wish I could find at least one of your cardigans hidden in my laundry.

I miss having you around
I miss your shoes in my closet.

Days are passing faster
My mind no longer spins as hard-
I have found my peace
In the thoughts I cannot stop.

My clock ticks
Seconds passing, and minutes, and hours, and days-
A year has gone by
I am still affected
But no longer stunned by flashing memory of you.

I am experienced in my own control now
I have power over my mind
And I use it everyday to push you out.

It's nearly 6 a.m.
and I'm still awake-
My head pushed against your pillow, because mine's fallen to the floor.
You're still slightly snoring,
Still snoozing softly,
and I am filled and I am happy.

It's dark outside, I'm waiting on sun to seep through your blinds
I suppose it's going to be cloudy today-
But I can still see your slumber;
The way your chest rises and falls with my breath,
Your eyelids flutter slowly in tune to the dreams dancing across your head.
I stroke your hair and your fingers twitch gently against my arm.
I never want to fall back asleep,
I am entranced by your dormancy.
Looking at you makes me feel everything I've ever wanted all at once.

The alarm clock sounds
and I'm just starting to doze off
But you're rolling over-
Arms wrap around me, pulling me closer
and I can't tell if I'm smiling at you or in my dream
But I am so happy in our small moment.

Please press snooze
I need you to sleep with me now.

I would sleep better on your floor
Than I do in my own bed.

I hate sleepless nights
And rolling over to the spot you always lay
Instead of into your arms.

I would enjoy the scratch of your carpet on my body
And pillow creases against my cheeks
As long as it means I'm next to you.

I can't stand all these pillows anymore
Without you to share them with.

This has got to be the thousandth time Ive thought of you tonight.

I would keep a tally
But
At this point everytime I touch a pen,
I just end up writing about you instead.

I am brutally falling for you.

I scar my knuckles with bruises as I grip your hand in mine
Hoping to never let you go.
Break my teeth keeping jealousy at bay
Trying hard not to let you hear the worst of what I should say.
Slice my tongue against your skin
Attempting to breathe in every bit of you while I still can.

I break my bones holding on so tight each night
Only to repair and prepare for when you leave each morning.

We are laying
At the wrong end of my bed
Laughing way to hard
5 a.m. is beginning to shine through my window
Your smile looks so warm and I am falling in love over and over again

You've got an intimidating smile,
One that sends mixed signals.

What's your next move?

I wish I saw more often
The "I just figured you out" smirk,
I want to know what's in your mind.

I see your grin more than anything,
The type that gets wider the more passionate you are about something...

It's usually music.

Childish laughter and enthusiastic twinkle is what I fell in love with.
I see this displayed on you mostly when I sit across the room at parties
While you talk with others.

I want to see it more often
When I'm curled up in your pasenger seat
As you've got a new song pounding through the speakers,
Wide grin as you tap out the beat against your steering wheel and thigh.

I long for your sleepy slight smirks,
Again.
The one that I'm sure you never know that you make
In the middle of the night when I wake up and press into your chest.
You're softly asleep,
But your lips still slightly curl.

All I can recognize from you now are
Dry, empty tight lips
Unsure, careful laughs
But every now and then nostalgia curls into your grin and i remember all the smiles I fell so hard into.

Jaded seemed to be your favorite word
I sometimes made myself laugh at the idea
Of keeping a count of how many times I heard the word slip out of your mouth.

I wasn't ready

Sudden change
That's what happens to people who get jaded as easily as you do
I didn't count on a forever, but
I didn't anticipate the sudden stop.

I expected more
Sleepless nights curled up against your back
Running my fingers across your shoulder blades
Tracing your spine as you slept
Kissing the sleep from your lips
Fixing your hair before you go to work
Coffee and Scrabble
Art museums and Monet
Guitar picks scattered across my floor
Countless nights of new movies
Long drives in your broken car
And listening to your favorite songs that I never could remember the words to.. but kept on my playlist anyways

I didn't prepare myself for a final night
Last kiss
See you later hug
Erasing future plans
Letting go of the love I still had left for you
Wondering if there will be another chance.

"What are you thinking?"
"... Now what?"

I used to love change
Always wanted something different
Something new
Until I met someone who craved change, too

Until I fell in love with you
Who was quickly bored of tedious routine.

Then is when I started fearing change
There was always the reality that you would need
Something different
Someone different
Something different
Something new

I fell in love with changing never
I am still in love with the boy that faded

Being with you,
I kept myself from writing
Mainly because I was afraid of being sad again
My writing is always just sad

Now that you've left,
I have words flying around in my head
Attacking my thoughts
I didn't want this to be sad

I'm pretty sure that in a few months
You'll still be the subject of awful sad writing

That night he reached for my hand
My fingers corroded.
Every nail of mine rusted over and began to crumble;
But, I kept holding on and fought against all the chemicals in my body working against his touch.

When he talked, I tried to keep up with simple conversation;
However, every time I went to speak
My lungs became oxidized.
I would choke on every letter that managed to escape;
But, I still said things I probably shouldn't.

And as he kissed me, I felt my mouth
Crystallize entirely.
Snowflakes frosted my lips and my teeth hardened into quartz;
But, I allowed it to happen over and over because
He always "loved how my smile shined."

When he was near, every atom in my body buzzed
Pressed against my skin and bones.
All protons, neutrons, and electrons collided against each other.
Fighting to escape
As if the cells that made me knew as explosion was near;
But, I didn't listen because I thought chemistry was just about balancing equations.

I still have bruises from the last time we saw one another-
But when I go to search my skin and recollect, I can not see them.
Those bruises seeped past my flesh and right into my blood stream,
No longer a faithful blue in my veins; my plasma runs a deep red,
Steadily dripping onto the bones that are supposed to keep me sturdy-
Yet, I continuously find myself stumbling over my own body.
Muscles weighed down by words that effortlessly flowed past your lips
Right into my brain which now runs endlessly pressing migraine
Headaches that I can't turn off
Because no medicine can heal someone who's fully broken
No medicine can fix an immune system that isn't ill
No medicine can fix my own mentality.

My poetry doesn't have to perfect.
It usually sounds incomplete,
Or sloppy
And exaggerated.
While mostly careless
Written completely miserably
It turns out substandard
My poetry usually feels like you.

However, on occasion my writing is immaculate;
Reaching heights of beauty;
No flower ever dreamed of being so elegant.
Vines twisting into words forming sentence forming rhythm,
Pristine sparkling letters dripping from each petal.
I am euphoric and growing each day
This writing is a mirror into the garden taking over your spot in my mind.

I was a strawberry chapstick
And you kept your lips dry
Rough like bark splitting into my skin
A sensation I never attempted to remedy with my balm.

I was a beach wave
Softly toppling across the sand
Rolling over and over until I became at the horizon again
And you were a sand castle
One which I kept pressing against
Never meaning to ruin a master piece but persistent enough to create a diamond of your dirt.

I was the falling leaves
All shades of amber and chestnut mixing together into the golden wonderland of the season
But you didn't like the way I killed your grass
You were a rake
All sharp teeth piercing into my stems
Pressing me together pile after pile lining your garden
Suffocating in plastic bags dying out and colors fading.

I wanted a love made of reds and yellows
Shining glows and warm fires
Everything seemed so simple
Until I learned that your love was made of blues and purples
A soft shimmer of coals burning out
We were thoroughly antithetical.

I’m drinking warm pumpkin harvest tea outside in the chill of an early October night,
Curled up under a star less sky.
A warm flannel
that previously belonged to a boy I once loved deeply,
but now become panicked at the sound of his very voice.
And
I’m wondering how I made it eighteen years
without breaking.
And
It may have just been because I was destined to feel what right now feels like.
To take in every bit of emotion my few senses can absorb
68 degrees curling around every inch of exposed skin
Rough concrete pressed against my body
The sweet scent of moon flowers lingering through my lungs
A lone street lamp flickering at the end of my neighborhood.
I can make it another eighteen years,
If only to be promised to experience this night in this very same way again.

I remember when saying your name
made me swell
Even when we went our seperate ways
letting every syllable of yours
rolll of my tongue
felt sweet
My lips would curve around
each letter letting them slip slowly
from my mouth.

But now,
my throat tightens
chokes against every letter
You have a short name
but it feels like i suffocate against it
Lips pressed tightly against
I dare the letters to sound like they used to
Now your name slices up my tongue
Cracks againsty teeth
Stumbles out silently
What once felt like home, now,
Feels so foreign to my fragile lips

Open windows
Rainy night
Your arms
Tangled legs
Slow breathing
Sleepy eyes
Thunderstorms in my mind even though
I'm only thinking of you.

Wandering hands
fingers tracing spines
sliding up
grazing bases of necks
shivers
gripping shoulder blades

Wandering hands
fingers combing through hair
sliding down
grazing bases of necks
twists
grasping hair

Wandering hands
have a way of getting lost
tracing rivers tracing spines
down the body, ravine racing breath
the mind; the only map
using the memory of freckles and goosebumps and skin and bone
wandering hands create adventure.

You took me to an art museum
I spent most of the time watching you
Instead of looking at the art on the walls

I wish I could at least remember
the name of your favorite painting
The way you looked at it,
Kept me captivated.

We were
eyes closed
seats leaned back, in your car
not touching
and everything still felt increasingly intimate

The night was soft
our fingers were grazing
eyes closed
day ending, streetlights on
In this moment I knew what I wanted was you

You are the human embodiment of the nighttime
a small red car sitting under the dimly lit street lamp of a small suburban neighborhood

11 p.m. was made for you
so was 3 a.m.
I can't complain, you fit the time well
Eyes bright
Mind glowing
Thoughts racing
you are adventure
I need adventure to grow
We are growing.

I'm in my backyard
spinning wildly
around and around and around
shouting lyrics out to the sky.

I am free again
the grass pressed against my back
every flower grows above me
and I am alright with growing smaller
shrinking myself into the leaves
and I am flying.

I'm in my backyard
spinning wildly
shouting lyrics to our song
and I'm starting to stumble over the words
and my own feet
but at least I'm beginning to forget who you were
and I feel alright.

When I first met you
You were just someone
Filled with extreme ideas I once believed would never make it far.

But now,
It's like your mind is the sea
And when you speak,
Suddenly I'm not afraid of being too deep
I no longer fear the unknown.

I breathe complication
And exhale concern
Let problems shiver down my spine
I have learned to only trouble my own mind
I was made to walk on worry.

It is so easy to drain a writer of all emotion
Pushing every ounce of energy into their work,
It only takes a small pinch to make every feeling flow from their veins
Every once beautiful word drip past their lips down their throat
Choked in the bottom of their stomach
Creating empty shells of someone who could once let every piece of their soul drip down a pen soaking paper by paper
Once letting notebooks fill with blood of the mind
creating art so effortlessly
Now becomes a pain
It is so easy to make a writer feel gone.

I crave to stain your lips with my name
Easing every syllable, vowel, and consonant across your tongue
Excavating into the base of your throat
Edging through your lungs
Becoming your every breath and sigh alike.

I desire to drip my mind down your back
Lacing every thought I can through the notches of your spine
Allowing ideas to glide across tranquil shoulder blades
Enable my intellect to become your most sumptuous support system.

I necessitate tracing my soul across your collarbone
Purr my subconscious into the deepest crevices of your chest
Inspire my pneuma up and down your incomparable neck.

I can make you feel meaningful again,
Touch me so I don't feel so empty anymore.

Surprise
I wrote about you
Once again

I kissed you
and tasted alcohol
staining your lips

I didn't find this wrong
Or unusual
Or concerning

All I could think about
Was how I wanted to become
Something you were addicted to

I wanted to drip past your tongue
Pour down your throat
Bitter but enjoyed

Turn to me when you need comfort
Let me haze your mind to take away all pain
Blur your vision so you don't see what you don't want to

I can be your new intoxication.

Your voice trails through my mind
endlessly
like the superlative rhythm of the rain
dripping through me
drenching me in new thoughts
new ideas
a thunderstorm of you.

When I was little
I used to pretend I was a fortune teller
Looking through the glass orb
Pretending I could see my future
My life as I always wanted it to be.

Now I don't need anything like that
I like the idea of not knowing what I want next,
Although, I'm forever seeing you within all I perceive
No need to imagine how I want life to be
When I'm content with the present.

You are the **** in my garden
Unlike anything I wanted to plant
I never intended for you to invade

I want to dismantle you petal by petal
Picking through your mind
Plucking you out of my thoughts

Most gardeners would tell me to rid myself of you
A nuisance in the garden of my mind
Pushing past all other beautiful blooms
Making yourself seen and known
But I don't mind, I'd always preferred dandelions over roses.

I became so addicted to the feeling of nothing
that when I started to feel you
I went through withdrawals.
I wanted so desperately to forget about
the nice feelings that ran through my mind
when I thought of you,
because I became so intimate with being alone
that leaving the vast isolation of myself behind
felt like I was killing the part of me
that taught me how to survive.