I'm not used to hearing things
that make my heart beat fast
and my legs shake.
I'm not used to getting calls
unless it's 3 a.m.
and someone just needs to vent.
But man would I answer in
a heartbeat just so I can hear your voice
even when I just want to sleep.

I find myself, too often, lately
jumping from elation to monotony in a matter of hours;
finding happiness in your conversation,
and routine when you leave.

I tend to always desire more chances to break away from the typical-
to find more in you,
to appease all my urges at once.
I am restless and always craving something new,
a thrill to top the last,
something that will leave me with every bit of myself halcyon.

For all that, I am disinclined to grant myself this appetite for something more.
Fear that once I do, I will no longer find excitement in myself.

Instances like you show just how weak I am
How easy it is to wrap my mind around the idea that I could be something more
That I could push myself towards something I want.

But how easy it is for you to come around and change everything I once believed.

There are going to be times where you'll feel like you'll want to change yourself
don't.
Even if it's to be a better person
don't.
Because right when you feel like you're about to change everything around
and have found just the right thing to help you along
something bad will happen again
and the you that cared
won't.

I want to stain your lips with my name
Drip my mind down your back
Trace your collar bones with my soul.

Please touch me so I don't feel so ******* empty.

It's nearly 3 in the morning
I'm still awake
And ****,
I'm still thinking about your eyes.

I doodled a mini solar system on my homework today
It made me think about your eyes.
I want to travel through space and never come home
Go to the moon and never worry about the absence of gravity because your mind pulls me in just the same.

I kept searching for paradise,
and then I found it
in the color of your eyes radiating ideas too big for the world to ever understand.

I kept searching for something more,
and then I found it
in the flavor of your kiss far too passionate for the world to understand.

I kept searching for something else like you
and I never found it.

if i were to write you, you'd be
misspelled words
sloppy handwriting
slashed out sentences
unformed thoughts
and simple ideas never fully pulled together

I always saw a fascination in the stars, the far away galaxies
Your eyes, the creases in your hands
The way these all formed together in a constellation
Exploding with stellar being
Everything about you was celestial.

Hours studying Zodiac signs left me empty
I needed to find myself in your solar system
Forcing life onto other planets
Deserted meteors I saw in your mind
I wanted to restore you.

As I looked to you I felt ablation
My mind melting away the ideas of horoscopes
Making room for you and your astro being
Never once wanting any sort of apastron
I awaited the chaos.

You are an evolved star
Burning out slowly, ever so
Sinking to be extragalactic
A place I never imagined
I was far from extraterrestrial.

But orbiting around you I felt the brightness of our galactic halo
Pushing deeper to reach your nucleus, I became your gravity
As one, our luminosity pressed tightly on all sides
Forcing darkness to disband, a large nova exploding from us
And now we are an elliptical galaxy.

It hurts
Because,
Calling you "my love"
Doesn't seem
Strong enough
Anymore.

Bruises covered with foundation
Long sleeves to hide hand prints and finger grips
When people ask
She always tells the story
"Oh he was just playing, he's too sweet to mean it."

But I never thought that I
Would be the one telling myself this story
In hopes I can convince my mind the same

What I would give;
To show you mountains and canyons and streams,
To watch you slip away into a dream,
To get lost in all this reality,
To see your mind truly set free .

What I would do;
To show you how to live,
To watch you become creative,
To get a taste of your incentive,
To see your mind'sperspective .

What can I say;
To show you that I'm here,
To watch you take my hand and come near,
To get you too understand that I'm sincere
To see you accept me, forever, my dear ?

Ripped away-
You were here.
Now no more.

Laying in bed, I breathe out a sigh
For your head lays across my stomach
Just below where he would lie.

And though you say you want to fully understand
The deepness of my sigh,
To do that would drive you from my hands.

Because you would lose your mind before you began to comprehend mine
And dear,
I don't think I'm prepared for you to leave tonight.

But maybe if you give me your best,
I'll let you fall into
My heaving, sunken chest.

There is nothing more peaceful
than this gentle park
during the earliest morning hours
between midnight and daybreak.

Stumbling out a cracked window
to find serenity and answers in dimly flickering street lamps
and dew stained grass.

Walking along the evenly spaced trees
looking up towards branches
sprouting spring leaves like fingers against a dark sky.

The pale moon emitting a walkway against the sidewalk
leading towards abandoned swing sets
and benches waiting for the next day visitors.

These benches know all,
hearing stories of sorrow and romance
exchanged between couples-
offering comfort oddly through steel bars.

There is nothing more calming
than this last park bridge
at 3 in the morning.

I whisper to him
"Speak to me-
Speak to me in the language that I do not."

He breathed into the darkness
"Mi amor, tú eres el fuego"

I stop him and tell him
"No, do not tell of my being;
Speak of things arbitrary to me-
Make me fall in love with a useless conversation."

He is silent as he loops his gentle fingers roughly through my belt loops, pulling me closer
Until our bodies are one
His lips press to my collar bone
He opens his mouth and burns the sentence into my skin
"Mi amor por ti es el fuego.."

And here, I fall in love with his fire.

I crave you in the most innocent of ways.
You're like my morning refreshment,
that pulls me awake in a single thought of what's to come.
However, you're also my nighttime procrastination,
attempting to not think of time spent before drifting into slumber.

I indulge in the memory in the bright morning,
when I imagine that it is your sleepy smile pressed against mine,
instead of the lipstick stained rim to my coffee mug.
I imagine that it is your breath I am breathing in,
instead of the steam rising from my small cup.

And as I prepare myself for the day ahead,
I envision your arms wrapped meticulously around my hips,
instead of the sweater you always loved to see me wear.
I envision that it is the warmth I used to feel radiate through my inner body whilst watching the slight curve to your smile as you would greet me every daybreak,
instead of my car heater, striving to produce comfort in the early Texas winter.
I envision that it is your voice chorusing along as you strum an assiduously memorized Hallelujah on your guitar
instead of Jeff Buckley emerging through my worn out speakers.

And yet, I spoil myself with the memory of you as I yawn through my afternoon work;
I compromise: just one cup of coffee will keep me mindful.
But I also begin to deplore these sedulously laid out fabrications and daydreams when it's 3 in the morning, and the sun is still asleep and I've just brewed my second cup of you're sweet quality for the day.

As night became and daytime was lost,
There was a simple pleasure in the air
And we became a flurry of hands and lips and skin.

As morning broke and the moon said goodbye,
A chill crept along the grass
And we became a rush of clothes and coffee and car keys.

As afternoon so suddenly was there and the morning whispered farewell,
Came the instantaneous surge of the people in the streets
And we became a standstill of stares and worries and send offs.

Bad habits form like sins
Less than a month and you’re already stuck
It’s from the moment you begin
.
Some say they can be broken- with some discipline
But knowing the type of person I am, my body would erupt
Bad habits form like sins
.
A few uneasy starts and you’re already hooked- much like heroine
Simple reasoning, and I can deduct
It’s from the moment you begin
.
Other routines start to seem so foreign
When your dance with the devil begins to corrupt
Bad habits form like sins
.
Your everyday life will start to fall apart, left in ruins
The time you got hooked will leave you dumbstruck
It’s from the moment you begin
.
You can sit and search for hours of the origins
But still fail to see the beginning of this misconduct
Bad habits form like sins*
It’s from the moment you begin

I stopped writing for awhile
For I had started to forget
Forget what it was like to
Be left alone again.

After you had left I was abandoned
With my own thoughts I had to write
A love as pure as you is something I cannot find over night.

And for some time I was there
Stuck in desperation for a little more
Left to try and repair my body
My life stuck in a repetitious bore.

But slowly I pulled myself out
Finding serenity through friends
Peace of mind came quickly, easier
I found that my thoughts of you came to an end.

I participated, I went out
I let others hold me as you once did
And slowly I found life less lonesome
To open up and be happy again.

But once more you came back knocking
With hopes to drag me in
And in my foolish glee, I accepted
And I went spiraling down again.

I got caught up in speaking with you
Then forgot that it would soon end
For when you got what you had wanted
I was left alone to fend.

I'm quick to jump to conclusions:
Maybe I could get you back again
Or I could always turn and find it easiest
To stay laughing with my friends.

But we both know that I won't choose the latter
I'm weak and foolish to try to crawl back
But that never matters
*For I'm addicted to your attention
And I slip down at your suspension.

stop
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe
go
Repeat, repeat. walk a straight line
pause
Stay now, breathe again
go
Remember. scream
stop
Forget, live without fear
pause*
it's all okay now

A gentle caress of the cheek
A shaky fingertip on the chin
The memories come and go in waves,
but hit with the force of a tsunami flood,
crashing down the barriers I so carelessly built up after you left.

A touch of my neck
sends shivers down my spine,
as I remember your lips brushing gentle skin
exhaling my name into the dark.

Twisted in sheets, tangled in blankets
Racing hands and quick breath
those nights come to me quick,
flashing images through my mind.

Glow of your eyes - you loved me.
Smiles on your face - you meant it.
Pleasure in your body - you showed me.
Grasp of your hand - you watched me laugh.*

I would say I want this nostalgia to stop,
but to be quite honest-
I'm addicted to reminiscing on these thoughts.

The fear of forgetting you
presses ******* all sides
suffocating my mind with images of us.

A longing for you
when I turn out my lights
and fall back into ny bed.

A longing for you
as I pull the covers up to my chin
and curl up towards the wall.

A longing for you
as I drift in and out of sleep
memories of you tangled up in my dreams.

A longing for you
as I wake the next day
once again without you by my side.

A longing for you
as I slip out of bed
and repeat the daily routine.

there are some days i think
"wow, i'm finally over you"
and then there are nights where i lay in bed alone
at 2 am
and i'm staring at the blank ceiling
and something will stir in my memory
and i realize i'll never get past you
and it's those thoughts that hurt the most.

Tell me how you miss me
Show me your sweet agony
Express your love once more to set me free

Read me your lies
Try your hardest to make me fine
Murmur your final sweet goodbyes

Was i way your hands slipped around my waist,
Or the protective grasp in your embrace?

The feelings you gave to me, I cannot deny
And yet I sit here still, asking myself why.


What made you fall silent and turn away from me?
There were some things that you saw, but you didn't truly see.

Accusing and betrayed, there was a pain in your voice
I knew you had settled, you had made your choice.


I'm not sure if it was the pain in your eyes or maybe it was  the sorrow in your words,
But I decided to leave you at that, my mind in a blur.


And I guess that was my mistake; not fighting more for you.
So I've thought about it for some time and realized sadly it's still something I'd never do.

Even though you now tell me you're sorry, and you believe what I have said,
I still can't stop these thoughts from running through my head.

You'll still be leaving in less than a year,
And I'll be sitting with all our memories here.

12 am
Silly me, I caved in
And for the first time in months, I called you again
                                                  "Come meet me
                                                  at our favorite place."

Sitting down on the swing
Trying the understand the distance between
I see you walking closer to me
                                                  "I was wondering when
                                                  you'd call my phone."

I couldn't resist
I missed your sweet bliss
Leaning in, you stole a kiss
                                                  "We should leave
                                                  it's pretty cold."

I climb into your car
You hold onto my hand, yet seem so far
Those hands, so gracefully, strummed your guitar
                                                  "I was asleep when you called
                                                  I hope you know."

The way you said it didn't strike me as odd
A sarcastic manner, so I managed a nod
The way you tried to sound annoyed had seemed so flawed
                                                  "Where exactly are we going
                                                  on a night like this?"

You pull up a song
and start to sing along
turn it down a notch, then think for far to long
                                                  "An adventure my dear
                                                  is what tonight's all about."

Fast forward a bit
to when I'm biting my lip
where we're alone in your bed- your hands stroking my hip.
                                                  "I've missed the way
                                                  you loved me."

And now we're laying, you've drifted off to sleep
My thoughts have gotten far to deep
I steal a kiss upon your cheek.

I turn away and start to move to the other side of the bed
but even in your sleep your hands wrap tighter around me and pull me closer instead
and all that motion speaks for the words unsaid.

Whether it was the need in your embrace
or the look of longing on your face
loving you was always the worst chase.

You were a simple bliss
Like a nighttime kiss
Love so surreal
Oh the things you made me feel.

Heartache and pleasure
Things to forever treasure
As I lie awake and reminisce
I feel my heart ache, for its you I miss.

Where will these memories go
Sweet and lovely as you know
Push them out of my mind
Disregarding the sweetness, so devine.

Goodbye my sweet lover
I'll give you space, no longer hover
Sweet serenity I say one final goodbye
Hope that we will meet once again, later in time

I've been losing a lot of weight recently, and I fully understand why.
It's not because I feel like my stomach's to big, or there's to much fat on my thighs...

It's because I don't eat my lunch-- no this isn't a plea for help.
All this is is a chance for someone to explore my mental health.

The lunch bell rings and I trudge my way to the cafeteria day by day.
Head straight to the line, grab my sandwich, milk and head on my way.

Beeline to the seat before anyone notices me.
Sit down, take one bite and then I start to see.

I can't help but look around when I'm sitting there all alone.
Or feel the stares back at me as if I'm sitting in the danger zone.

You see nobody pays much attention when you're with a clique or a group,
but the moment no one is with you, all heads turn as if they're stuck on a loop.

And when you're like me- battling with social anxiety,
Every stare can feel like a dagger, you begin to feel each eye as if you were all that mattered.

After maybe one bite of my lunch I'd get up quickly, toss away my tray and leave.
Head bowed down hoping that no one still notices me.

But leaving the cafeteria I find myself back on a battle ground
For I still have to sit in silence, waiting for the lunch bell to sound.

When you go through three weeks like this, something begins to catch your eye.
You're no longer filled out, every breath becomes a sigh.

But even then you know you still can't help yourself
You're stuck in a battle, get away from the stares or help your health.

I was so tired of reading this so I deleted the poem sorry....