Lemonade & sugar.
Tar & nicotine.

To be held & be known.
To be kissed & be seen.

There's a lot you don't know about life.
There's a lot you don't know about me.

There's a lot you don't know,
about loving me.

Jean skirts torn from wear,
Lipstick smudged, tangled hair.
Where have you been all night?

A smile left over from the fall.
Glasses clutter countertops.
No idea where tomorrow is.

And I'm 22.
And I'm not with you.
But I'm going to be.

And I'm listening to Ingrid,
sipping black coffee,
daydreaming,
And I'm 16.

Life is a very tempermental thing,
fragile in its being and lovely in its small moments of joy.
A game of give and take,
that stretches but never breaks.
No one is perfect, no one endures,
that does not tire once in a long while.
Forgiveness is a true friend,
sometimes difficult to find among the ***** combat fires.
But She is there. She is always there, waiting.
Every person that touches life, has theirs touched as well.
And how sad an untouched life would be.
An empty canvas, dreary and bitter in the sunshine of others.
Life is no stroll in the park, through gentle breezes and warm summer flowers.
Life travels in four seasons, not one has been skipped.
And so peace is found in the beginning and the end.
All must be endured.
Those who grab life by the hand with a smile,
are the ones who may truly experience all there is to offer.

A bump.
A lump.
Swallow.

You’re never prepared for life.
But this was ready for me.

My heart is like a dollar bill.
It is something of worth that passes,
from one person to the next.

Will I be spent,
or will I be saved?
And if I am saved,
how long will my stay be?

I cannot hold onto one
person.
Because in such a short time,
I could be passed down the line,
to the next.

But over time,
I will be spent.
No one wants to save a dollar,
forever.

All anyone in this life seems to really want is acceptance.
The comfort in knowing someone cares about you and will protect you.
People are fickle, complicated and ephemeral in our lives.
All anyone needs is a friend.
Someone who understands you without words being twisted about.
Because words can be poisonous.
Emotional
                   unstoppable
                                        attached
                                                     capricious and afraid.
Everyone is afraid.
Friends can be family, something more or something less.
But having someone who knows you is all anyone wants.

White smudges like maps line the walls.
Crinkled bills sit on the counter.
The shades have wiped away the sun.
And humming drifts through the room,
Without a greeting.

Air sits thick upon the chest.
A pencil skipping skillfully to the tune,
Of Rosemary Clooney.
A single bead of moisture glides towards the desk.

One single tear of a paper takes us from Monday to Tuesday.
And it's here we find ourselves.
Again and again and again.

Until everything changes once again.

I still hear pencils tapping,
as if I was sitting in the second row,
at my own small desk.

I can feel the blood rush to my head,
sitting upside down on the sofa,
with my legs over the head rest.
Talking on the cordless phone.

I see the sand pebbles,
collecting in my converse,
from afternoon bike rides at the beach.

The coolest breeze crosses my face,
and I wake from my daze.
I see the sky outside my front door.
I feel the tile under my feet.
And I hear no one.

Life is full of challenges,
promises, broken promises
happiness, unhappiness
adventures, empty days
acceptance, loneliness
smiles, tears.
It is the people who fill your life, that make it beautiful.
Treat the ones you love with respect,
love, loyalty,
and trust.
When people are taken away from your life,
you'll begin to realize it isn't much of a life.
Take risks, be cautious
achieve, mess up
run like wild, slow down
and live fully.
Whole, complete, filled,
we are the puzzle pieces of the earth.
Without one of us there can be no peace.
Hold hands, kiss lips
share smiles, and realize that this is wonderful.
Feel the wind when it passes you.
Smell the seasons changing.
See love in every corner of your life.
Because we're only here for a very short while.

And she was glowing.
A freshly lit candle, building in its fiery strength.

And she was fearless.
Hanging from the bridge she had not yet crossed.

And she was joyful.
Happy.
Open.

Light as a cloud.
Her happiness had never been so loud.

The elegant sound of the willow as it rustles in the wind,
the gentle sound of the sea as it dives onto shore.
The silence of a darkened night lit a glow with shimmering stars.
And you darling.
All of my favorites things.

Some refer to love as pure magic.
This invisible hold on your heart,
that mends and burns and quenches.
Some refer to it mindlessly -
others with deep and meticulous thought.

May I dare to say, that it does not exist?
This harmonious bond between two people.
In so many forms, and so many ways,
our idea of love will fall apart.

It is nothing but a symbol, nothing but a great hope,
nothing but a promise, nothing but a commitment,
nothing but a feeling, nothing but a word.

And without it, where would you be?
Without it, who would you have?

You.

So if this thing called love did exist,
who decides what it means?

An individual, or the collective?

Or you?

So the definition of two people,
bonded by the soul, by the heart, by the body, by the mind -

is defined by one.

And we wonder why it doesn't last.

Don't go looking for an answer.
Don't stir the sitting ***.
You'll hear nothing in a murmur.
You'll see nothing in the dark.

If he wants you, he will show you.
Still my heart, be still.

There is nothing in this moment,
That won't surely show again.

I found a corner in my mind,
barren, if not for a box.
I dare not visit, or stand to close,
or it may begin to talk.

What if, how come, why not,
maybe so, maybe not,
Try it on, this weighty coat,
see if you can float.

But I begin to fall,
and spiral down,
and lose all control.

So I take some tape,
and surely seal this container,
of my woes.
And hope and pray,
that one day,
I can somehow let it go.

A picture is worth a thousand words.
But a picture of you, is worth one.
*******.

I'm sorry I threw us away.
I'm sorry I forgot our love so quickly.
I'm sorry I never called.
I'm sorry I'm not sad.

You never listened to me.
You heard me, through closed ears.
I fell out of us in April of last year.
And you listened for the first time in April.
Of this year.

I'm sorry.
But I can't apologize.

It's not black & white,
It's blooming with color.
Complicated and simple at once.
The opening of flowers,
One by one,
Petals falling,
Onto stone.
We live, we die.
The story is what matters.
Not the ending.
Today may be a page,
Possibly a sentence.
And tomorrow?

We aim to prove ourselves strong and without need.
Our target is someone who we want to desire us.
Our blow is that we never desired them at all.

And the arrow may be removed from their flesh.
But the words will be branded across their mind.

And the hurt will never fade from memory.

The smallest of day dreams can become haunting.
Anyone can call you beautiful,
but only someone can reach out the hand that saves you.
Those who look lost,
who wander without purpose.
They need someone to hand them a map,
to breathe out the light that shines their ship to shore.
Anyone can give a secret smile,
that will be wondered about for the remainder of the day.
Only someone can stop,
and say hello.

I feel the grass between my toes,
Beneath my feet.
I feel the air flow,
Through my lungs.
Into my soul.
I smell the sweet,
Calming scent of nature.

I am made of dirt and water.
I am no different from the grass.
We may try to seem,
Sophisticated,
Superior,
But we are nothing,
Without this earth.

So I stand on the grass.
And I feel comforted.
I feel at home.

The smallest little fingers,
Reaching out for me.
The darkest circles,
Lining my eyes.
The sweetest love,
You'll never see.

In the darkness of the night,
In the warm glow of the dawn,
You and I sit by the window.
Another sleepless night,
Gone.

I’ve just recently learned to stand.
Before, there were hands beneath my feet.
Ideas flowing in my head,
From a different mind.

I spoke, as I had been trained.
I loved the way I was told.
I cried when I didn’t understand.
To please every demand.

But broken, are feet without their bones.
But quiet, is a mouth without words.
But numb, is a mind without thoughts.

And a heart without its body,
Is never really beating.

I danced around the green yard in my beat up sneakers,
without a care in the world.
Blonde pieces of hair fell in my face and passed by my eyes.
The music blared through the small speakers,
carrying me in my confident disposition.
I am me.
I felt free.
Someday they'll see.
I am happy.

Sometimes it hurts too much to care,
To trust all things on which they swear.
But melting wick still needs it's flare,
And kindled heart is best when bare.

who am I now?
This body I once recognized,
Is transformed.
Softer, fuller, different.
My mind has always been a map,
With roads that spin in circles.
But my body was no match.
Now my skin tells the story,
Of a new life formed.
Of hard months and sleepless nights.
And I dont feel better off or stronger,
Like the others proudly say.
I feel foreign and unhappy.
So I'll drive down these new roads.
Looking for familiar landmarks.
Until I can once again,
Call this body home.

memories can repeat,
like a catchy song on the radio.
stuck in your head,
missing some verses,
but the chorus is strong.

whiskey can help,
just for a bit.
Hoping it passes,
and biting my lip.

I guess I'll wait.

The sweetest nectar,
The most sour twist.
The warmest hope,
The ice left behind to thaw.

Why is it we have to lose it all,
to gain so much more.

I don't recognize this face in the mirror.
This freshly polished complexion.
I picture the 6 year old me at my side.
Looking up at me.  

My suitcase in hand.

I hope she would smile.
This adventure is for you, kid.

xoxo

Look into two ovals of blue,
Ice caps, the winter's sea, rough, vigerous, cold.
Swimming in snow, through snowflakes, through veins of blue too.
Ice on the surface but water underneath.
Drowning.
Skin white as the snow, struggling.
Waves of warmth leaving her body.
Head towards the sky, towards the air to fill my lungs.
Drenched, heavy blue jeans, weighing me down.
Pull me to peace.
Where two ovals of blue close, and sleep.
Where warmth may be found.
Dreaming of a different set of ovals.
Brown and deep that search for something more.
A hand to reach into my ovals of blue.
That finds me.
That pulls me out softly.
Gentle.
From my battle within this cold.
This desolate despair that makes no good friend.
The ice will melt.
The cold must end.
Blue eyes made of ice.
Awaken again.

Blushing water stirs,
underneath the willow,
floating, floating
flying.

gone.

words brew in a *** under my skin,
warming, churning, boiling.
Sitting in a chair without wheels,
no ability to roll across the room.

Is it a force of habit that makes you complacent?
Is it fear that keeps you from change?

What is stopping you from changing.
From moving, when plates are shifting under your feet.

Every person in the audience is telling you to move,
to save yourself,
and yet the words continue to bubble.

The *** is only left with steam.

Please steal me away, in the middle of the night,
Hold my warm soul, so very tight,
Please search for me when I'm out of sight.

I'm floating above my body, watching it wander,
And baby, I see you, steady on your way.
I'm a jealous woman, I may pull you under.
Be strong in what you say, keep your head above the waves.

I'm a quiet heart, I won't beat too loud,
But my mind's a train heading out of town,
Are you steady, darling, are you feeling strong?
Cause I'm a loose thread that won't last too long.

I’m painting you a million colors.
But none of them will stick.
They drip and drop,
From the canvas to the floor.

Without a face, without a name,
Who are you?
You’re mine.

But I’ll sit here colorblind,
And wait for you to come.

You hovered next to me,
As I glided on two wheels,
And slowly you took your hands away.

You whispered soft,
That sugar plum fairies would dance,
Through my sleeping mind.

You gave me love,
You gave me life,

You took it away.

Carry me to the sea,
where the air revolves in salty circles.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Carry me in your strong arms,
to our home where I belong.
Carry me through my great sorrows,
to your warm laughter and gentle smile.
When the grim darkness envelops me in a sullen tangled web,
carry me away to our golden rays of hope.
Carry me, darling.

Dainty fingers reach for the invisible wind,
gliding across smooth faces.
How lovely are the delights in life, invisible to the naked eye?
Trust the pulse in your chest,
don't think twice.
Smell nature's gift,
breath in deeply the crisp winter air.
Hold delicate little snowflakes in your palm,
watch them flitter in front of you.
The seasons change, but that feeling in your mind's eye,
will forever grip you.
Embrace it.

She is my little china doll,
sitting on her shelf.
Her fragile figure delicately composed.
Her porcelain face is always smiling.

She is my little china doll.
Carefully, daintily, beautifully.

Things could be so easy,
if we would let them be.

We could be much happier,
if we just let go.

Instead of saying,

no
no
know.

Just know.

She was leaning against the white stucco wall with a cigarette between her teeth.
Her long black skirt kissed the concrete as she fidgeted.
No one would ever call her innocent.
No one called her sweet.
She blew a thin cloud of smoke into the air.
It swayed in the wind and curled around her hair.
She closed her eyes and waited.
16 long years had gone by since her beginning.
If she wished hard enough, maybe another 16 would go by in a blink.

The photograph of her sits on the rickety table in her very first apartment.
A freshly burned cigarette stews in the ash tray on the table.
She smiles, looking at herself. Knowing what she thought then.
Knowing what she knows now.
She closes her eyes and waits. For another 16 years to pass her by.

Cold coffee sits in her cup as she watches the door eagerly.
The waitress behind the counter turns her back, and spits into a cappuccino.
Cold coffee remains on the table.
*****
She looks down at her white ceramic mug.
Deep breath. Take a sip.
*Life's a *****

She said she liked my confidence.
What she didn't know, was it was liquid courage.
That this strong façade was cracking.

Words fall unthinkingly from my lips,
a charm for wit and a fault for aggression.
Just smile.

From someone shy to someone bold.
From someone hurt to someone who could care less.
And that's what she liked about me.

The number of faces I've spoken to,
with reckless abandon.
In hopes of sparking an interest, only to stand and leave.

These shaky hands in surgery.
Should never poke at someone's heart.

But confident.
Sure.
And thank you.

Careless caring
just cross each other out.
Forced feelings
just dirt among a drought.

A U T H E N T I C I T Y

that's      what      counts

I ache to feel that embrace.
The one where your whole being feels understood.
Where you can watch as the world washes away.

I'm just getting to know you.
The feel of your fingertips so foreign,
the smile you put on so sweet.

I think of you in the smallest of things.
Elegant words, rainy windows, clouded skies.

The only way I can describe it is,
that I'm curious for you.

Why do they demand so many things from us?

Hair color must be natural.
Go to church.
Get married.
Have children.
Make more money.
Limit your language.
Do not get tattoos.

This is my body, this is my spirit, this is my life.
No one may understand you.
You may feel no one loves you for you.
You may hate yourself for being so different.

But you are amazing.
You are perfect in your imperfection.
You are strong.
You are talented.
You make this world a better place because you dare to be different.

Dare to be yourself.
Because it matters.

When I was young,
I was afraid of the dark unknown.
The blackened sea surrounds my bed,
That seemed to surely grow.

I couldn’t sleep,
And so I’d sit,
Peering through my window.
Watching the clock and waiting,
For morning’s warmest glow.

Her sky like lips,
Pastel purple and blue.
She’d finally take a deep breath,
And she’d come alive,
Brand new.

A magic wand to paint her face,
To give life to the day.
To fight off the dark stormy sea,
To send my fears away.

And now I’m grown,
Aged many years,
The dark sea just a blanket.
That swallows me and sets me free,
Until morning comes to take it.