I visited my girlfriend in the hospital
after her appendicitis operation.
she looked good
and her smile made me smile

"I made a friend," she told me.

There had been another girl in the room with her
and this girl,
she was in the hospital because she sprayed a whole
can of bug repellent into a cup and drank it

"Why?" I asked.

"Oh, well," said my girlfriend. "You wouldn't understand.
Let's just say she wanted to **** the butterflies
in her stomach."

"Okay."

otherwise I would keep
a diary or a journal instead

I sing to be heard
otherwise I would sing
in the shower

some like me
some don’t
most can’t figure me out

most can’t figure themselves
out either –

ya’ll just need to take a breather

I wonder how much longer I can go on like this
When is sick sick enough
I know im not right
I know I need help
But I fight with myself on how bad I really am
In my world 60kg isnt low enough
Whats wrong with 55kg?
Is a day without food guilt enough to have some the next?
Or will I yet again draw that blade across to remind myself that I gave in?
When is enough enough?

i will be awake to watch the day bleed into night,
when the sun is replaced by the bitter moon.

retrospectively, i feel i should be contrite,
alas, i am not one to change my tune.

the shell of a girl i once was,
walks in my place with a smile,
small talks from my repetoire,
makes me seem worthwhile.

i regret the lines i have written,
remorse what i have not yet done,
with the fake image i hence became smitten,
no lies may second to none.