at night we look over the city
illuminated by a kind of shifting gold
it makes me fall in love with it
and all its beauty -
but most of all, i fall in love with
you and the way you share this with me;
this moment, this place, and yourself -
my heart feels like it wants to stay,
allow you to have me for the rest of our lives,
and my body is already leaving,
so close to the airport gate,
while you watch me with that look in your eyes
that makes me want to turn around
and wipe my tears and stay with you
for as long as our lives allow me to.
(another day will have to come for both of us;
we will not see the dawn together, but it will come)

i don't understand why you don't want to live
when i sometimes just live for you -
i know what your inside looks like,
i know the cold blue mountains and their cliffs
and i have seen you fall off them, into
that deep black sea of sadness;
i know you're forgetting how to swim.
i do not think you know me just as well -
you cannot see the way i feel most days:
like your hands are the pillars of my mind
and your words are watering the valleys of my soul.
i am afraid that you will never know
and afraid that if you do, it's not enough
to keep you from wanting to stop your heart.


cs

i came to you for a straight path
with no crossroads and walls at the sides
to lock in my free mind as best one can;

but you built my dreams back up instead
like collapsed buildings after a war
(which, in a way, they were);
you restored me at the start.

for pocket change, you took my soul
and folded it until it was an origami crane
that soared over mountaintops and deep blue seas
and lived off hopes and wishes and dreams;
a tiny piece of paper, flower print
that came to life to watch the foxtail valleys
and toblerone mountains of my mind
and it watched the memories of me riding among the clouds
and swimming in clear turquoise waters
and crying over friendships lost.
we will always remain that way
you form me, fold me, throw me into the air
while I remain, just cellulose, pliant, never my own -
yours to be ripped apart.

it was what i came for, after all.


cs

there should be a oscar for the best smile
in the situation of a breaking heart.
i have become the greatest actress these past months,
swearing happiness in rhymed couplets,
and faking laughs while my soul cried.
i know you feel the same way i do:
and you deserve recognition for this performance
i can watch from across the pub -
your laugh seems genuine, your eyes are not,
as you wish them a happy honeymoon,
and secretly wish he was with you.
we deserve a prize, you and me, for an act
so accomplished only other actors can see.
we are the greatest pretenders, after all,
as we weep on the inside but carry on,
swearing to everyone but each other
that we are, we will be alright,
that we are not in love with what isn't,
that we won't forever be wishing
for what will never be.

(we deserve an award at least,
because we know we will never have them.)

cs

the greatest art comes from broken hearts,
so maybe i should thank you for making me cry at night
because this way at least i can find
catharsis in a notebook and a pen over what i feel for you.

the greatest poems come from shattered souls,
so maybe i should thank you for making me fall in love,
only to fall for one of my friends instead,
because this way at least i can write
and writing is, after all, the thing i do best
(maybe, that is because i have loved you for so long).

the greatest books come from abandoned dreams
so maybe i should thank the world for ruining all of mine,
because this way at least i can write
and have people like me read my thoughts at night.

the greatest people stem from the ashes of
their dead pasts that they have buried in the woods,
so maybe i should thank the entirety of the universe
for giving me matches to set myself on fire
so that my flame could maybe keep you warm.


cs

late at night, or in the early morning hours,
(they are the same, in some moments)
he tells you he likes you, wants you to be his,
i watch this scene unfold and laugh at someone's joke
like my heart isn't being torn apart
by the way he looks at you.
i pretend not to have noticed when you tell me later on,
like my eyes aren't constantly glued to his face,
and i pretend to be happy for you and i laugh,
like my heart isn't stapled to his back.
tell me, what is it like
to have breathed such significance,
to be secure in the knowledge that he is yours,
that he wants you to be his forever?
i am unfamiliar with the feeling it could provoke
to hear him say he wants you, because he has never wanted me,
and i know now he never will.
i knew this before, of course, but the unambiguity of it
now rests on my shoulders, heavy as concrete.
he likes your tan skin and your bubbly laugh,
while i cut lines into my pale white flesh and want to die.
tell me, what is it like
to have his heart at your feet - how does it look, how does it feel?
i have never been close enough to know.
tell me, what is it like
to know that in one evening, you could make him yours
without ever meaning to, or even wanting to at first?
i am not angry at you, of course, i cannot blame you
for liking him - it is easy to do, i would know -
or him for liking you - i know everyone does.
tell me, what is it like
to know someone this beautiful finds so much beauty in you;
tell me, what is it like
to feel his heart beat for you more than anyone else?
but tell me nothing more, i beg of you,
for all i ask is all i can bear; i do not want to know
more than i know my heart can take knowing.
please tell me you will treat him well,
the way i would, if only i could,
and tell me that while he is yours, you will be his.
all i can ask for, with all my love, is his happiness.


cs

I am scared to fall in love
Because who does so gets broken
And my heart is too broken already to risk
I am scared to fall in love
Because I remember that boy I loved so much
Back when I was young
With a freckled nose and a high school diploma
Still wet with ink, so new
And I felt like I could take on the world
And maybe take him with me
But the truth is that he never even knew
And I don't think he even slightly liked me
While I pined for him day after day
Dropped hints he only tripped over and
I watched him get with his perfect girl
While I cried and drank tea and wrote sad poetry
So I really don't think
I'm made for love
I just love very stupidly
So really please please just don't push me because
I might fall for you and when I do
It might fall out of my pocket or chest
And get lost and shatter, and all the rest--
I lose my heart so easily.  


cs