tell me something beautiful

what do you mean "something beautiful"

i mean something that'll make me forget about
him and how his eyes look like upturned soil;
the way his hairs falls gently in his face and his
mouth splits in two when he grins
tell me something beautiful; a distraction
please
i beg of you

i knew that something was going to happen
because i could hear the bees swarming and
buzzing inside the hollow place in your chest
(which only you believed to be hollow)
there was a restless energy about you last august
you could see it and smell it and hear it
i even tasted it in that vegan pizza you made for us
i felt a push coming, and i was hoping that it
would finally move the negative thoughts and
feelings that clung to you like a shrouded mist
but it was me that you pushed away in the end,
with the might that you'd been building up for years
it was me, and i wish i'd realized that before
i gave whatever was left of me to you
praying that it would somehow be like a rope
you could grab on to, so i could save you from
the pit of your despair
but you never wanted saving
and you never told me that

thank you
thank you for showing me all
that could have been
all of the possibilities hidden under
moss covered rocks
thank you for taking me into the forest
of companionship and showing me
what true, raw kindness is
you didn't owe me anything, nothing
when i felt like he owed me everything
you showed me love and warmth when
i was shivering on the ground
i hope that you know what you mean to me
you represent everything i ever wanted
you represent all i could ever want
you open doors for me
you tease without secret malive
you do things with intention and fervor
you loved me in a form of a relationship
where i felt i could not be loved
so thank you for not being a weight
or another thing to worry about
thank you for being my little slide
of the life i never got
i have never gotten that return with him
sometimes it feels like when you're in
a dark, warm room with the pressure all around
pushing you in deeper and deeper
but with you it's like stepping outside into
fresh and cool air
you turned some of my storms into
the thin, wispy clouds that flutter in the wind
at the end of movies
so thank you
you have absolutely no idea what you mean to me

you're alive
i mean, you stand in front of me
you can breathe
i feel the air shirt when you move
as if you were alive
but in some ways, you're dead
i'm mourning you, though you're here
i can touch you and feel you
if i put my fingers to your wrist
there would be a steady, rhythmic pulse
but there's nothing in our relationship
there's nothing tell me you're alive
so i mourn you as i would mourn
a dead relative or friend
i mourn not for you as a person
but for all that could have been
for all of the possibilities that were
hidden under moss covered rocks
because of something out of your control
because of something no one can control
it's cruel and it's evil and it's real
it's still there and you're still dead--
you're still dead and i can't bring myself
to go to your funeral

it's you i've been looking for all this time
really, it's hard to believe
you were the cold side of the pillow
my second thoughts in the pouring rain
the sun coming in through fogged up windows
it's you, and i guess i find that hard to believe
i find you to be quite funny
and adorable, but a little brash at times
you don't really notice me and that's fine
but when you do eventually see me
i'll smile, maybe wink, and pretend that
you didn't tell me that you loved someone else
and that you don't like me at all last night--
it's you i've been looking for all this time
but now it's time to let you go

you always said that you love the chase
and, my darling, i'm no good at running

i think i must have lost myself
somewhere up in your stratosphere
and only found myself when
the sun's fingers kissed the horizon
the way i wanted you to kiss me