He hit me once,
then again and again
I kept screaming...
But my voice was like words; without noise,
I cried out loud
But my tears made a meaningless tune.

Who would believe me?
Such a gentle face he has
His friends thought i was crazy
That i had provoked him
To them He is an Angel.

And now when i see him,
When he says sorry I wasn’t myself
When he says am his world...
It makes me so mad!!!
Its like for a moment; i cant breathe!
And i wonder how long
Before he hits again!
Isn’t that how it goes??

And i wonder if am unfair,
Not to be able to forgive
Or forget.

For now my solution
Is just to write it down
And unburden my heart.

She woke up drained,
Staring at a familiar stranger,
It was her mirror; yet the reflection so unfamiliar
Her face filled with anger,with regret
Of who she had become
Wondering how she got here
Wondering how she fell so deep
To this dark,ugly pit.

She looked around
Searching for answers
Looking for a rope to hold on
Or a familiar hand to grip
So she could stand up again
Her strength was dripping out
Drop by drop; like she had been stabbed deep.

Like a thief on a dark night,
Vulnerability has crept into her heart
She opened her heart to him
Just like million times before
She felt a great fear
Gripping her heart; afraid to be broken
Afraid of the pain that could befall her.

So she retreated
As fast as her heart could
She build a wall, not with stones
Nor with bricks
She built a wall of strength
A wall of hidden tears
A wall of silence.

This time it will be different..
She told herself,
She will not love blindly
For love can see through lies
Love can see doubts
Love can smell uncommitment
Love can smell secrets
She just had to keep the wall up
And she will.

we all hate to talk about it openly,
maybe coz the friends that let us down often are the ones we've shared most of our better lives and deep secrets with.
or maybe because we are scared of admitting our poor choices in life.

I mean don't you at once regret telling certain people so much and at the end of the day they use it against you go telling other people?

reality is that fakeness is the new trend in town among friends this days.
some people die inside when they see you happier than them and they will do anything to steal that from you.
they will try to be you,take what they think belongs to u or made you happy. such stupid misconception!

been there so many times and it ****** me off that some people don't know what loyalty is. you lift them up and they shamelessly try to pull you down.

but I learnt something;
when my circle got smaller
my vision got clearer
there is so much strength in loyalty, not numbers!
so cut the fake numbers down
and thank me later!

P.KIMS DIARY@C2018
real talk

She didn’t miraculously wake up with a whole bottle of ***** or whiskey  in her hands ,Infact she hated the first sip of it.

The tingling sensation on her soft lips and tongue was not really something she loved.But she sipped on; slowly and lost in thoughts. Hoping every bitter gulp would drown the emptiness that was slowly engulfing her pure innocent soul. She hoped the pain ailing her would all be gone in the morning and she would be happy, free and unscarred.

But it was a fantasy cut short by the unfriendlly world she found herself in.Her search for love met by a million heartbreaks.Her passion in life crushed by a corrupt,rotten system.Dreams of a happy family gone in a split flash.  Friends slipping away before she could stop them. How could she dare to trust again?

So she sipped on and on,danced wild and hard...One glass after another until she couldn’t feel a thing.She wished the feelling would last ;of a freed body,soul and mind but alas! It never came to pass.

I know her too well, I feel the weight of the anger flowing through her veins,I feel her struggle in every letter on this page. The solace she finds in her glass of ***** is heavenly. It takes her to a safe place where she doesn’t have to turn and toss sleeplessly all night.where she can laugh,jump and dance without a worry;all by herself.

She has been judged a million times but she still wont trade her bottle.for it never walks out on her,never betrays her trust, never demands more than she can give,always there when she feels like giving up. And in silence, her bottle understands and keeps her secrets like no human can.

So if you meet her,leave her to sip her drink in peace.for if you can’t be as loyal as her bottle,then she doesn’t need you at all.

Something drew me to him
He was warm and humorous
His hand lingered on mine
Soft as a feathers’ brush

His words were a soft caress
my ears couldn't resist
It was like playing my favorite lyrics
I listened,believed and danced to his tune

My instincts pushed me to ran
Away from his uncertain eyes
Escape from his unsteady gaze
But i stayed..  

Together we strayed
Oh no!..  my unsuspecting heart led me
Wait!. I think my body mislead me..
Or was it the few shots of *****?

Oh how easily I trusted!
And how wish I didn’t
I should have known
Fake caresses cause deep wounds.

I feel it now
The tight painful grip on my heart
Slowly wriggling to my stomach
The anger is sickening!

Pass me a bottle of wine
For tonight I shall drown that anger
I will erase the insignificant memory
Of his deceitful caress.

P.KIMS.@C2016

It started with a flashy diamond ring
Which he put on my *******
Call me a gold-digger but I love shiny,precious and expensive stones on my skin
I definitely said YES.

And before I even updated my facebook status
Or ***** about it with my girlfriend
I was halfway on a trip to meet my in-laws
And then the rules began flowing in
The do’s and dont’s

I tried to change
Oh yes i Did

Tried biting my tongue often
so his friends would love me
Wearing the dresses he liked
To portray his flashy lifestyle
Laughing at his dry,stupid jokes
Ain't that what loyal girlfriends do?

I couldn’t even drink my favorite beer
Or my favorite tequila shots
Dance my troubles away like crazy
Whats would his mates say?
‘Good girls drink wine, clean,
Cook and wait for the man to come home’ He said so.

So I decided to try and change
Sat through his boring meetings
Let him do all the talking
Let him take care of me
Ask for permission when going out
And report when I get back home
Pick his calls at the first ring
I let him own me.

I was in heaven but only for a short time
His claws started showing
Lies, games and his real character
And lots of baby mamas’

It hit me a little too late
In my effort to please him and everyone else,
I had lost myself,my dreams, my freedom
I had forgotten how beautiful and ambitious I am
For what?
Love? A piece of diamond?
Hell no!
I can buy tones of shiny gems on my own.

I gladly let him walk away
I was sad for a moment
Then back to the happy gal I always was.

Being single ain’t a disability
so take all the time you need
till you get where you wonna be.

Little by little,
I saw the world beneath her feet crumble,
Leaving her nothing to hold on to,
Her eyes blurred...
She couldnt hold the tears anymore.

In a flashback,
She saw her life come to an end,
What would she live for?,
he was her life,
and that life was sinking fast.

she couldnt comprehend,
why he would stab her so deep,
so severely..
It couldnt be true,she told herself,
there had to be a mistake.

sadly, it was no dream
It was real,
he was leaving her,
unaware of the wounds and pain,
his footprints would bear.

I should have held her hand,
I should have wiped her tears,
but how could i?
My pain would crawl in too,
She would be without a husband
And I, without a Dad.

I cant help to notice
how his head quickly turns
whenever she passes by,
how his eyes seems to devour
every part of her body.
or is it my imagination?

I can feel my heart racing
anger and pain engulfs my heart
wondering if am good enough
worried if am being paranoid.

my hand he tightly holds
walking closely by my side
but is his mind with me too?

am I hoping for the impossible?
I want him to look at me
like am the only one for him
like am the one his heart and body
yearns for
I want to be more than enough.

He wasn't there when his daughter needed him,
But she never stopped trying to be in his life.
She never stopped being his daughter.
She hopes he knows that.

i feel it
a cold tightening grip in my heart
i can barely breathe
my cheeks are burning
my lips shaking not to utter a word
i hear only an echo of my clenched teeth.
i want to hit a wall
or break a glass
probably hit my spinning head hard
such an urge to crash something!
am powerless
against this emotion
for i never see it coming
Oh anger!how do i shove you away?
your weight is killing my shoulders
pushing me on my knees
pinning my spirit down the drain
my strength is diminishing
what then shall i become
if this wretched emotions
overpowers me?

Make me dance
To the hum of your words,
Pull me closer
To hear the tune that your heart sings,
Strum my hair gently
Like the strings of a guitar,
In the artist's hands.

Hold my hand,
Let's jump and swing
To the world's madness
Make me dance
Till I gasp for breath.

Make me dance,
Day and night,
the dance to carry me to sleep
And beckon the angels
To join my dance
Till dawn meets us.

Make me dance,
Till my heart is full
Till I want no more.

Come,make me dance
To the love we have built
Be my dance,
my song,my music...
Be my tune and rhythm
till the end of time

And I too,
Shall make you dance

She selfishly took from me what I wanted most.
Broke my spirit, Every bit of it.
As I watched it all fly away,
I wondered if I could stand again
If my spirit could be rekindled.

But today, I looked back and am glad she did...
Am grateful she took it all
And savoured it all
Without a second thought.
It could have been my downfall
To a bitter pit
Not sure how deep and dark the pit would have been,
But am sure she saved me
From a lifetime mistake.

Because now I can fly..
Far beyond my imaginations.
Now I see clearly
That such a dream couldn't have been enough for me.

I want more
I deserve more
And I won't stop flying
Till I find a nest
Bigger,better and for eternity.

Am finally free
To love and live again
To reach for my dreams.


November 20,2014

Watching someone I care about walk away is always the hardest for me..
Am always tempted to run and drag them back.
Am always afraid I might breakdown like a small kid watching her mama leave..
Afraid that their memories will haunt me at night,
Afraid that their scent will linger,
Afraid of my fragile heart.

But as their footsteps begin to fade away,
I begin to reflect, I look at my mirror and see the most unique woman I know..
And I tell myself that if being myself couldn't stop the person I love from leaving,
Then he or she wasn't meant to be in my life
They were just a sentence in my story.. Or maybe a small dot in between.

And I brave myself
To face the sunlight again
To smile, to live again.
It may take time and effort
It maybe shaky but...
Surprisingly, I always do!

December 27,2014
PkimsDiary@2014.

She walks down the street

Her head up high

Her smile dazzles all

Crowning her unwavering beauty

Her shiny, expensive jewels

Arouses stares and whispers.



But they don’t know that

Behind her closed door,

When she pulls down the window curtain

When her make-up has been washed off

And her precious ornaments

Has been carefully tucked away

She faces her own shadow!



This is what you don’t know

She is the one

Who lies awake every night

Not sure if HE is coming home

Hoping he is only running late

That’s her share of love.



She picks her phone

But dials not

She knows where he might be

Curled up in another’s arms

Where he rightfully belongs.



Only this woman can tell

How hard it is, to want a man

Who belongs to another

To have his affection, but not his name

To be showered with jewels and gifts

To compensate for his absence.

She is the other woman.



And who said its easy

To be in her shoes?

You may choose to judge her path

Or blame the twisted society

But I,

Chose to put it down in words

For you to read.



(November 24, 2012 at 11:19am)

She pressed the shiny steel blade
Into her unflinching soft flesh
Slowly but deeper and harder
Her tiny well-kept fingers shaking
But her fists tightly clenched.

She wanted to scream
But the voices in her head
Swallowed her weak cry
Her eyes tightly shut
Hoping she would wake up
In a better, and less cruel world.

She wondered why no one was there
To bade her warm farewell
To tell her it wasn’t her fault

She could feel her blood
Slowlydripping through her palms
Her mouth filled
With a taste of her tears
Her white dress slowly soaking wet.

She could see him clearly
As if he was standing next to her
She could hear the echo
Of his words and promises
Just as clearly as he had said them.

Then he had left her
Just when she couldn’t stand
Just when her world had crumbled
She needed a shoulder,
But he wasn’t there for her.

She wished she had known better
She could have taken a different path
Her life won’t be in pieces
And her heart in such agony
If only she had known
He wasn’t man enough.

Suddenly, she opened her eyes
Drew the knife from her skin
Maybe there was an answer…
Oh yes! She had a reason to stop
Her unborn baby
Her priceless gift from God.

He was neither worth a single strand of her hair
Nor a drop of her precious tears
He was just a boy
Scared to be a father
Scared to be a man
And she was a beautiful young woman
Whose life must go on…
Don’t you agree?
Coz I do.

Have we met?

Maybe yes, maybe no

But in your head

There must be an image of me.

Either real, sketchy, vague or an imagination

To some a rare gem

To others is a beautiful devil

And to you...

maybe just a facebook friend.




Maybe it’s the smiling girl

In my profile picture,

Who got your attention...

Or maybe it was that awkward update

That got you thinking.

Or maybe it’s the color of her eyes,

Or is it the long slender legs

In that party dress as she walks across the street?

Mhhh... Just maybe








You must be wondering

Why am writing all this

I would love to answer you

But I really don’t know

What my last line will be like.

So, will keep writing...





Do you ever wonder why this girl isn’t constant?

Today she is in love

Tomorrow her man is a pain on her neck,

One minute she is your friend

The other minute you are a stranger

I think i know why...

She is like you, she is human!



She may not live long enough

To defend all her flaws

Or brag about her perfections

But I can tell you a few things about her...

Some she isn’t proud of

But others she wouldn’t change

Just to please a crowd


She has a beautiful heart

To complement her warm smile

But she has a temper too

Which beats that of a betrayed woman

She is opinionated

But still a good listener.

But an insensitive word...

Hurts her like a sharp sword.





So, if you haven’t met her,

Now you know something about her

Do I need write more?

Oh yes, tomorrow i will write, and the day after

Maybe about you, or about my shoe or the trees

Everyday I will write.







C@P2013   September 4, 2013 at 8:53pm

When the night is cold

And the bed too big

I will take a moment

And recall...

Of your warm breath

And imagine how perfectly

The bed felt complete and warm.



When I walk down the street,

Wearing my favorite plaited dress

Or even my favorite cologne

I will recall...

How it felt to hold hands

Walk side to side

Laughing and smiling.



When I watch a movie

Curled up in my couch

I will recall...

How we did it together

Cuddled up like two kids

How i loved it!



When in pain

In need of a friend

I will recall...

How soft your shoulders were

How soothing your deep voice was

How easily you kissed my pain away.



When I take a walk

To enjoy the serenity of nature

I will recall....

Of the places we loved

The scenes we loved

And the things we did together.



And today, I heard our favorite song

Played it over and over

And I recalled...

How much we jumped and danced

To a million tunes

Your body close to mine

Our hearts entwined.



Then truth dawned on me

Now they are just memories

For fate has drawn us apart

And maybe,

That’s all they will remain to be

Memories in my mind.


(November 29, 2012 at 4:18pm)

BEHIND THE BIG SMILE..

There is this place in me,
Whose door is tightly shut
But strangers still trespass
Without a key nor a polite knock
Some stay, others bang the door dashing out.

There is this place in me,
Where you can touch
Without stretching your hand
Where you can draw your face
With no pen or ink..

There is this place in my heart
Where footsteps don’t fade
And memories stick like glue...
Where whispers feel like echoes.

There is this place in me,
Where pain and pleasure mix
Where walls seem concrete
Only from a distance...
But can tremble and crash
At a finger's touch!

There is such a place
Inside most of us
Have you been there?


It’s warm and safe
But those who we let inside
Tear and scatter it to pieces
Leaving it cold, scared and scarred!
Yet we cover it
With a smile or a laugh
Oh yes! there is such a place
Behind my smile.




(October 11, 2012 at 7:27am)