i've lost control
thrown into the backseat
of my hearts desires
all my defenses lowered
my reasoning pushed aside
my begging ignored
my sleep deprived mind is giving up
whispering a faint "yes"
when i know i should be shouting "no"

i am not good at writing
love poems
unless the love
is hurting me
i used to wonder why this was
but i have realized that
when i cannot cause myself pain,
i like others to do it for me.

Those who go to bed early
Look forward to tomorrow
Those who dread the coming day
Stay up until they can see the sun
Just to make sure they'll make it.

At night, when I close my eyes I see my demons.
      One looks just like you, daddy.
      As a little girl, I run towards you.
      You grab my hand and tell me everything will be okay.
      But, mommy yells and you hit me.
     Daddy, why? I want to scream. But you no longer listen.
    A little older, I walk down the hall.
      I see my grandmother. She looks nice.
    But when I sit by her feet her true form shows.
She kicks and screams hurtful words.
I’m once again a little older as I stand up.
I get up again and I see his face in front of mine.
He opens his arms.
I think he looks innocent enough.
I think he won’t hurt me.
But, I’m wrong. He hugs me, and then pushes me down.
Down into a deep dark tunnel that I won’t come out of.
And that’s why I’m afraid to close my eyes at night.