Dear Amelia,
How have you been? I know it’s out of the blue and even more likely you won’t read this letter. But I must get some things off my chest. I have tried so many things to alleviate the pain reigning over me but all to no avail. It’s okay, I’m just trying to let you know I miss you. I have no expectations of you coming back to me, but I’d just like to say that you’re still the one consuming my days and nights and every drink I pour has been in an attempt to not think of you, if only for a minute. Maybe someday I will stop thinking of you.

Perhaps someday we’ll learn how to live our lives without fear of falling apart the mere touch of another human being. Maybe someday we’ll let someone special into our hearts, see the ugly parts we hide from everyone else. Until then, I’ll keep you deep within my heart. The boldest I’d ever been in my life was when I tore myself open right in front of you. Magically, you didn’t run away. You took good care of me and years later, when you finally revealed the broken pieces lodged deep within your barren soul, I did my best to pull them out and sew the open wounds. My God, we did so well for each other.

I often wonder when things began to fall apart. Was it when our wounds were healed and our souls began seeking something else in this ****** up world? Even now I grieve for the things we achieved together and the things we’ll never experience together. The thought of never picking a wedding dress with you kills me every time. I’ll never get to put a ring on your finger. I’ll never watch you walk down the aisle, glowing under the May sun (because you always said you wanted to get married on May 15th). I’ll never get to spend the first night in our hard-earned home somewhere in the suburb or a new apartment in the city. I wonder sometimes if you remember me fondly… or if you even think about me from time to time. Men have always been the weaker ***, far more prone to sentimentality and regret. And, well. I am regretting hard right now. We did so much good for each other but, God, I wish I did so much more. Anyways, I hope you are doing well. I pray that God is kind to you night before bed.

Maybe one day we’ll be able to talk to each other again. As old friends.
Until then…

should we ever meet again
I hope it happens when it rains
like a scene from a romantic movie
our hearts might turn empty

I hope you'll be doing better than me;
once I hoped the exact opposite
I wanted you to be down in the dumps
like a person laden with parasites

but seems I've matured now
I let go of all feelings sour
though I write poetry thinking of you
yes, of course I still do

perhaps we'll laugh when our eyes meet
it could be at a mutual friend's wedding
I'll probably walk you all the way to the street
we'll say our goodbyes, our lips smiling

you know I wouldn't go back to the wedding
instead I'd be getting drunk at a bar nearby
my mind filled with the sweetest memories of you'
it'll be my death all over again
should we ever meet again...

I think of myself from 5 years ago
would struggle to recognize me
he'd say "what the hell happened?"
and I would have no answer

in truth, I have no answer
for all my shortcomings
when I was a kid,
people called me brave

people listened to me
I was sure of every single thing
I sought out to do, every little step
was calculated, as if I knew what I was doing

I was once a bright child
maybe the tallest beacon in my family
my grandpa and grandma sure thought so
and my mom and dad didn't seem to mind the idea

what the hell am I now?
who is that person in the mirror?
I fret over these questions in my head
but found no answer

who am I now?
not even God can say...

it gets better, someone said
after a while, it gets better
impatience killed too many
and often life is too much to bear

i am still holding out for better days
at night, i kneel and throw out prayers
like dying prophet, i call out to God
will it mean anything, my dripping blood?

my fallen teeth, the uncountable tears
sweat and times i wanted to give in
my heart, a thousand have pierced
i still swing my blade like a fedayeen

if there is something big awaiting me
if there is light at the end of the tunnel
i am willing to fight for it
i will never throw the towel

for once, i will do what's right
for once, i won't die without a fight.

lately i have been feeling dread
it's like a hammer crushing my head
perhaps, i''m better off dead
my, my, when was the last time i felt glad?

perhaps i am ill, physically or mentally
or maybe i simply want to be freed
from the pressures of being 24
from the weariness of the future, unsure

maybe it's the drinking that's killing me
maybe it's the loneliness
the abject failure to comprehend
her beauty in that sundress

all those years ago,
or the advice my dad gave me
before i graduated college

life seems so absurd now
my friends feel so distant
and love makes me feel sorrow

time, hell of a thing.

twelve years ago
a very long time ago
I was just a kid then
(not that I'm any better now)
and love was something new

it felt thrilling, exciting
a young kid entering junior high
I knew most of the kids in my class
every introduction is welcomed
with rapturous claps

but one girl, shy as she was,
charmed me to my bones
she was already taller than me
her skin fairer than the noon sun

it must've been a scene from a movie
for the wind blew her hair about
like a goddess arriving on earth
her smile made me dizzy

God blessed me with a reciprocated love
like a sun-kissed, graceful dove
I jumped like a fool when she accepted me
the date never eludes my mind, it was November three

Alas, I was just a foolish kid then
(not that I'm any better now)
we were happy, if only for a short while
as happy as puppy love could be

her lips did touch my cheek
followed by a quick escape on her part
youthful love, my first love
Gods, we were happy then
she and I,
and maybe everyone...

don't blame me;
a man can only look back
when his future is uncertain
so, allow me this one time

to reminisce
to seek hope
to remember

what I used to be
and what I can be...

see, when I was a kid, people called me bright
I considered them right, kept my goals in sight
by 20, I realized life was going to be a long fight
the kid with a bright future has lost all his might

lost my footing one day and never recovered
I could blame forced isolation, but I was the one
who kicked up the dirt, the one who threw away his shot
who tried to put the blame on others when he fell short

I was supposed to rule the world, make it my own
stand on top of a cliff, the world upon my feet
but I fell before I reached the peak,
I was never even in sight of the throne

see, the thing about falling off a cliff
is you know you're falling
but how do you stop the tumbling?
my God, this life's numbing.