Waking up to see your smiling face
Once was a privilege I held
Your brown eyes
That came from your father
Though his were blue
I learned to welcome your gaze
Not to shy away
That unshaven face of yours
How I miss it so
Feeling it brush against my cheek
Making me giggle and squeak
Noses pressed together
I'd look up at you
Smiling and blushing
About what we both knew

I find it funny how
just a few words
just a few actions
can break us all in ways
we never knew was possible
can change us all in ways we
never knew was possible

and yeah
people tell us over and over
again that it's going to get
better but when
when is it going to get better
and what if it never does
what if you constantly do things
to hurt yourself
what if you constantly get with that
one guy who you know will break you
sooner or later but you don't care
because you are willing to do anything
to feel anything but your
******* sadness
because you cant take it anymore
you can't spend another
night alone crying
another night asking yourself if it's all ******* worth it
if life is worth the hurt
and those nights
you've spent debating if
everything would just
stop hurting if you just took
your life away

just one shot to the head
just one small leap off a chair
and on to the rope
so simple
so easy

I find it funny how
humans are capable of
such cruelty
how humans can cause such discomfort
to another without giving a ****
how you're smiling while my
soul is rotting away

I keep trying to write
About us mostly
But i cannot
Fathom words
To tell about
This feeling in my chest
And this wrenching of my gut
And how the idea of
This nausea
Is so good
And i cannot
Write into life
How my skin is bursting
When i read your name
Or when i see you
And feel you
And how everything
Every being
Every particle
Every small microscopic
Atomic
Piece of me
Is whispering
Your name

It's so unfair.
My heart is breaking,
splintering,
like it was whole to begin with.
I don't understand why
I need you so badly
when I am terrified of you.

How ridiculous I feel
trying crookedly
to walk down
these dark lit streets at night.

I am wandering,
I don't know what I'm doing.
But I do.

I grip my knife
with sweaty palms.
I am searching for
what I never hope to find.

I will embrace you.
I will attack you.
I will run.
I will freeze.

I never sleep.

My dreams
are filled with ghosts of the past.
Of my past.
Of the future I long for.
Of the future I fear.
Filled with nothing.
Filled with you.
Who are you?
Why can't you just leave me alone?