Don’t look at me
Can’t you see my eyes are hollow
Cracked glass
Boarded up window to a broken soul
Open hole where my heart should be
An angel stole all that’s left of me

Black blood
Flows smoother than red
Ink on my wrists
And it goes to my head tonight
I can’t fight my own fingers
Who needs light it only lingers

I don’t want help
Is what I said to myself
Heart cast
In iron only beating for one
Life gone in the night
Swan song; devil’s bite

I’m sorry that I look so down
I’m sorry that I wear this frown
I’m sorry but the pain’s too strong
I’m sorry I can’t wait that long
I’m sorry about the scars I’ve made
I’m sorry I can’t make them fade
I’m sorry I did this to you
I’m sorry I can’t make it through

Release; valve
Let purest rage fill the air
Breathe; fall
In death and pain all’s fair

Screaming skin,
Shaking hands,
Is this the last time the tears land?
Burning up,
Muscles weak,
Is this the last time till next week?
It hasn’t helped me once before,
At least this time I know what I’m in for.

Heavy breathing,
Shouts,
Confusion,
Dirt beneath my feet,
Slip,
Catch myself,
Panic,
Turn,
Random direction,
Lost,
Fear,
Then,
Turn,
Find,
The way home.

My head hurts again,
Both inside and out,
I can't stand it any more,
Listening to him shout,
Screaming at his son,
For coping too well,
For not caring enough,
He shatters my shell,
Blames the bottle,
Plays with guilt,
And manages, brick by brick,
To tear down the wall I built,
A fist collides with tears,
And crushes my insides,
Releasing the pain,
That I learned to hide,
So they wouldn't think,
To check if I was okay,
But it's too much,
Far too much today.
So I run away.

"There's nothing we can do for you."
That's it.
Confront your mortality.
Then just lie back and let yourself slip away.
Stare at the ceiling.
Wait for a visit.
Visits that get less and less frequent.
As everyone you love tries to get used to not being around you anymore.
Watch as the bags under their eyes get more defined.
Listen to their tired voices and tears.
Just lie there.
In fear.
In awful, lonely fear.
And wait.
Wait.
.
Wait.
.
.
Then.
.
.
.
Just.
.
.
.
.
Slip.
.
.
.
.
.­
Away.

I didn't think,
Nowhere to go,
No way to live,
How was I to know?
I just went as far as I could,
Took shelter from the rain,
Tried to forget,
And sleep with a cold heart again,
Is it any better?
Am I any happier now?
My bruises start to fade,
But I'm not sure how,
To let the memories,
Disappear too,
That keep me up,
No matter what I do,
Her face will always smile,
But vanish too soon,
Replaced with anger and fists,
And that screaming tune,
That repeats through my mind,
No matter where,
It never leaves,
Always there.

Hmm-hmm-hmm
Punch.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Hit the wall.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Hit the floor
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Bottle.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Glass in my arm.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Bleed.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Sleep.

I watched her go.
She was right there in front of me until...
She wasn't.
I didn't say a word,
Just stood there and witnessed the warmth leave her lungs.
I couldn't even hold her hand,
I wish I had.
For a month I cried,
But every tear that fell only fuelled the angry flames within me.
Soon I was a puppet,
Forgetting empathy,
Addicted to hate.
And his frail body took the pain of my despair.
I saw him almost break,
Then learn to take it.
I didn't notice him grow up...
Until he ran.
Then I saw how much he had changed,
How far we had drifted apart,
Or rather,
How far I drove him away.
The bottle in my hand does not excuse me for that.
I know.
But.
I think I've gone too far now.
She told me to look after him.
I promised...Oh God!
I betrayed her!
And him.

Air devoid of feeling,
Stale discontent,
Flashes on the back of my eyelids,
Echoes in my head.

A song with no meaning,
Or none to be heard,
A fire in my belly,
But no passion, only burns.

Fear contained by anger,
Stress obscured by grief,
My heart and tongue are drying,
My tears are no relief.

They cannot dampen the pain,
Only add salt into the wound.

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
I'll be aworkin'
I'll be away
Threshin' the barley
Balin' the hay
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Here I've been workin'
Here I will stay
Feedin' the cattle
Strainin' the whey
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Storm clouds are gatherin'
Sky's goin' grey
But I'll be aworkin'
Right through the rain
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Diddly um dee ******!
Diddly um dee day!

Did you hear they took him?
They took him yesterday,
They ripped him from his family
And they made him run away.

Did you hear her calling?
Calling for God's love,
She screamed and wore her throat out
For something from above.

Did you hear the gunshot?
Ringing in the night,
It struck them both and killed them
For searching for the light.

Did you hear it coming?
Or did you just pretend
That their lives didn't matter
Not even at the end?

Did you hear it's over?
I'm sorry, that's not true
The suffering keeps on going
Because it isn't you.

Did you hear a nation?
Falling to their knees,
They crumbled from the inside,
So stop this madness - please.

Diego,
Tell me your secret,
How you make her smile even when you sleep,
So effortless you are,
In bringing her happiness.

Diego,
Show me how,
You gained her affection,
So long before I even knew her or you,
Your black and white fur,
Stole her delighted eyes.

Diego,
Aren't we the same?
All we want is her company and kind words,
To see her every day,
To know that she cares.

Diego,
It's not fair is it?
You have a natural advantage I can't compete with,
You're a cat,
An extremely cute cat.

I mean,
How am I supposed to beat that?

A rush of wind down an ancient street,
Catches the folds of my dress,
Music captured from times now lost,
Floats between the carved beams.

I can feel the cobbles through my sandals,
And the heat on my covered shoulders,
Filtered between squashed-together roofs
Of pretty houses unchanged but for restoration.

There is no such thing as rush here,
The fastest pace is but a stroll,
Here getting anywhere is not the point,
Instead your eyes do the walking.

And now they wander across the flower baskets,
And the art and clothes shops,
That spill out onto the streets,
Bringing life to a tranquil town.

My whole insides curl
As I lock eyes on her face,
See her fear - her panicked breathing,
Her shaking head.
I reach forward for her
But cringe back in myself
Separate mind from body
As I touch her hair
My snarl is not mine,
Nor the words -
Such bitterness is scripted
And crushing to say,
To play this part twists my soul
Into the shape
Of what broke me first.

Compressed
Contorted
Into broken shapes
And pulled
Stretched
Strained
Into forms I hate
Twisted
Deformed
Beyond recognition
I am moulded with no care

Beauty disturbed by foolish youth,
Who think themselves greater than their world,
Who disregard nature's ambiance,
For music made cheaply and sold high,
Now they leave, and life returns,
The thrill, excitement of stillness,
When so little contents to silence,
Simple quiet holds the beauty.

Hatred in his empty, staring eyes,
Thinks he's tough,
'Cause he always objectifies.

Anger sits between his brows,
Self-inflicted,
Brainless hurting, no-one laughing now.

Pointless venom drips across his tongue,
Waiting, bitter,
Until he's sure his bite has stung.

The distance runs past my eyes,
And suddenly I'm right there,
Listening to your music,
And I could take your hand,
I think.

But as I reach out, the ground falls away,
And I am dragged through restless seas,
Through dirt and across concrete,
Until I'm back home,
A shivering wreck.

Are you listening?
Or are my words,
No more than ripples,
That fade too fast,
Into confusion.

Are you watching?
Or does what I do,
Mean no more than whispers,
On a breeze too strong,
Carrying them away.

Am I worth anything to you?
Or just another distraction?

Silence,
Everlasting,
Not a single motion,
Not a single sigh,
Or blink,
Or a glint of an eye,
Reflecting the empty sky,
No emotion,
The concept of feeling unheard,
By the non-existent ears,
Of unborn children,
Never ending dark,

But for a whisper.

A single suggestion of light,
By a single flame,
The final survivor,
Desperate,
To disturb the peace,
And bring just a hint,
Just a glimmer of life,
To the frozen world,
Just a moment,
Of happiness,
And a subtle embrace,
Of warmth.

I wonder do they see
The sadness in my eyes?
Does the pain show when I smile?
Or have I learned to hide?

I wonder do they feel
The brokenness in each breath?
The exhaustion that cannot be healed by sleep
Does it reach them in my sigh?

I wonder do they miss
The one I used to be?
Who didn't know the loss of living
Lies on top of lies.

Shaky steps in brand-new heels I've barely owned a day,
A soft dress around my shoulders, clinging tight to my waist,
No noise as I sit, the stool scraping on the floor,
An echo as I move the microphone to pick my voice up more,
"I'm not actually on stage," I say, more to myself all in all,
I rest my foot upon the pedals, let the first note ring through the hall,
And suddenly I'm playing, I'm saying what I think,
And they all hear, draw near as each finger sinks,
The words I wrote mean far more than faking 'Christmas cheer'
They are mine, my hopes, my plan, my next and next new year,
Take a hand: Dance.

Sometimes inaction,
Does more good,
Than rushed,
Illogical decisions,
With no respect,
For truth.

Stop trying,
You don't need to,
I already ******* hate myself,
I already scowl at the mirror,
I already feel sick when I speak,
You don't need to,
Bury me in ****,
When I've already dug my own grave,
And laid in it.

I wonder if they realise,
That my fingers’ dance,
Is more than an essay or coursework.

I wonder if they know,
That these words have more meaning,
Than just word count or letters or form.

I wonder if what they see,
Is a student catching up,
Or a hipster with too much time.

I wonder if they expect,
Me to move on soon,
Or stay here obsessing all night.

I wonder if they care,
Enough to think at all,
Or wonder who I am,
Where I've been,
Or why I'm writing.

Flecks of colour radiate,
Exploding outwards from a core of emptiness,
Vapour trails of merging shades,
A glint as they reflect bright light from an unknown source,
They try to escape, but find a wall,
Blank,
Unfeeling,
Impassable,
Immovable,
They stretch out, preparing their bombardment,
They push, ignoring the void behind them,
The void expands, stealing the light,
In a panic, they return to hide the dark,
But the black survives, constant, but a suggestion,
A suggestion of more,
That within that cave, something lives,
A fire that burns,
But is blocked somehow,
By the shadow of the eternal pit.

This everlasting struggle,
Of colour trapped between light and dark,
Takes place not across light-years,
But centimetres,
And just a few inches,
From the second void.

The longing burns in
The very fabric of skin -
Armour, yet torture.

Rain soaked windows
drag a hand the world,
stretching, distorting,
long ripples curl
as if in a wake,
the houses obscured
and tree branches fluid
their currents disturbed
everything altered
and painted with grey
as oil paints run
from the sky down a pane.

I could paint with pens,
Or draw with blades,
A thousand ****** pictures,
Of a thousand ****** days.

I could sing with footsteps,
Or scream with pain,
For the end of hopeless torture,
For the end of hopeless days.

Leaning against the wall,
I imagined as bark,
The silence became,
The hush of leaves,
In lazy summer breezes,
The lonely air in my hands,
Became your fingers,
And the weight on my shoulders,
Became your head resting against me,
And your smile lightened my soul,
I let out a breath,
Which became a subtle kiss,
A soft promise to each other,
To you, my girl, I belong,
As my hair,
Which I imagined were longer,
Blew in the wind,
We held each other close,
Until in the lazy summer breezes,
We drifted to sleep,
Together.

Yearning heart held down,
Trapped soul -
Pulled relentlessly to ground.
But now body follows spirit
And my freedom flight is found.

Between fractured clouds,
Frozen stars
Are shattered as I stare,
Painting dances on the moonlight,
Twisting circles in the air.

Rush of endless sky,
Empty sky
Above the chains of life -
Swirling winds now bind me
To the solitude of height.

And far from here the Earth
Has stopped.
And silenced every mind,
For in these precious moments,
God has visited mankind.

I have written of being lonely more times than I can count,
When I am still surrounded by my friends,
But there is a shadow behind me,
Longing to be replaced,
By a soft embrace,
And the colour of some dream's eyes.

I've drawn and I've imagined more days than I could know,
Of letting my heart fuse with another,
Of handing over my desires,
My time, my hope, my life,
To one, who'd share their own with me:
The colour of their dream's eyes.

So though I'm not alone,
And have loved and been loved before,
I still know what I'm missing,
And I can't stop wishing for it back,
So excuse me if I hold your gaze too long,
Looking for the right shade,
The colour of my dream's eyes.

In dreams,
I play out,
The scenarios I fear most,
I take the ridicule,
The pain,
The hatred,
All in one night,
So then,
I have nothing to fear,
For I have already faced,
My fears,
With closed eyes,
And felt the worst,
So I have no excuse,
To run,
Or hide,
From them,
Who seek to wound me,
For I have already been wounded,
When defenceless,
In sleep,
And my greatest fear,
Has been a part of my nightmares,
Since before my tenth year:
To
Just
Be
Myself.

The dreariness of the morning,
On days like this stretches its legs,
And wanders out past the noon,
Leaning on my shoulders with its aching muscles,
Mumbling in my ears,
Temptations, suggestions,
Take a rest, perhaps,
Let the fantasised release of sleep
Overtake your fuzzy head,
In the bleakness of the afternoon.

Drift over skies of falling hearts,
Let your hand trace the ripples in their reflection,
Dreams beneath your feet,
Lives behind your eyes,
Curses on your breath,
Watch the tears sail by on broken clouds,
And hear their cries,
But do not fear their lies,
For on their lips grows deceit,
But in your soul,
A burning joy,
That keeps you sane,
Let it.

Turn around,
And you'll see someone
More lost than you,
With less hope,
Less chances,
Less belief.

That's not a victory.
That's what we fight:

Not a nation,
Nor a religion,
Nor an ideology,
Not even terror.
We fight suffering.

And we fight with words
Designed to drill
Deep into your minds
To constantly remind you
Of what you'd rather ignore:
The person stood behind you,
Who needs you to turn around.

The raindrops in the air,
Feel like static on my skin,
Like broken pins and needles,
Finding their way in.

I can't stop struggling for air,
In the humid summer breeze,
My lips and lungs damp,
And forgetting how to breathe.

Choking on sunlight,
Strangled by the heat,
But drowned gently.

I am host to another soul,
Separate and happier indeed,
Without her I don't think I'd be quite whole,
But I'm not sure where all of this leads.

May, are you me or just trapped inside?
Do you feel the same way I do?
Do you hate or pity me or can't you decide?
Should I have realised sooner I was restraining you?

Please don't blame yourself for what you didn't know,
I was hidden well, my voice came from below,
I was lonely, yes, and trapped within,
The empty forest I lived in,
But it wasn't your fault, I don't think, no.

I may not be you but we are sharing this mind,
And I think I feel the same way you do,
I don't hate or pity you, if you weren't here I know I'd die,
And it's not your fault, I hid away from you

Together, tell me it will be alright.
*Together, I know we can win this fight.
And don't ever doubt that I'll be here with you.

A dark streak runs along
The sleeping earth
Whispers in its path
Disperse into silence
Creatures lie dormant
And flowers take a breath
Before crumbling to dust
Which sticks to the feet
And clings to the skin
Yet falls through the hand
Like rain.

In my heart I know
That doesn't mean anything
I'm so sure
You'll probably grow out of it
It's a part of me
Just hormones playing tricks
This is who I am
You're lying to yourself
I'm happier this way
You're making things difficult
I don't belong in there
You don't belong anywhere
I'll find someone who loves me
Not me
I just want to live a normal life
You can't anymore
I'll dress how I want
You're ugly in that
I feel beautiful
Freak

.

Eagle don't fly away,
Believe in my voice,
Let me join in your freedom,
And soar to the sky,
Let me watch over,
And protect you from harm,
Let me follow you,
Show me how to live before I die.

The simple pleasure,
Of feeling my hair,
Move around in the wind,
Which carries on its breath,
The sweet sound of my name.

To know that as stranger's eyes,
Glance at me,
They see the same person,
As I see in my head,
Without a second look.

To feel the freedom in my legs,
The spring in my step,
Blossom under my feet,
Too early, perhaps, but the winter has been mild,
And my heart did not freeze.

Sky, hear me,
Take on board my shouts,
Of rage and anger,
At your never ending greyscale,
As you effortlessly misportray my heart,
Which glows in its cage in my chest.

Sun, warm me,
On this day at least,
When it would be so fitting,
To see you smile upon the ground,
And touch the grass,
With your nurturing hands.

Clouds, release me,
From your misjudged prison,
Where I cannot help but sing out,
And dream of freedom,
Which I know will find me,
One day.

Ground, support me,
Do not cause me to fall,
For I will hit you so much harder from these heights of joy,
If you cannot keep me upright,
I will rest on your back,
And look up at an imagined blue.

An imagined blue...
Such a shame,
That on a day like this,
The world cannot manage to smile with me.

Moving forward, smoother,
Slicker than expected,
No forces push against me,
All are leading me on,
And guiding me true with
Smiles upon their faces
And love streaming from their
Hearts that seem to beat
Far too often on my behalf
Onwards they take me,
How far will this go?
The path has no end,
Only a promise,
A promise already delivered
In part at least,
That I will be
Content

If I chose to leave it,
Just give up now and live,
Just as expected by others,
Then it would be easier.

That's what I'm told,
That's why people ask "Why?"
Because they honestly believe,
It would be easier.

But they don't understand that,
In reality it would be easier,
But only for everyone else,
It wouldn't be easier,

For me.
It would fill me with self-hatred,
And dissatisfaction with,
Who I am pretending to be.

There is no choice,
There is no easy way out,
This is me,
And I'm not going to change,
Unless I want to.

There was a boy
Who used to play with boy's toys
Cars, trains, planes and making noise -
Just like the other boys.

He had a twin sister
Who used to play with dolls
He'd watch and sometimes
He'd try to join her.

But when he started school
There were so many new rules
And he had to stop playing with her.
So he played his part
And ignored his heart
So it would easy - could it be easy?

No, he was falling apart on the inside
On the inside he couldn't breathe
He tried not to show it on the outside
On the outside he was just he
It should be easy.

He hid it away, tried not to think
But he still made friends with girls
So much easier
But he didn't like pink.

And anyway, he wanted a girlfriend
So he had to stay a boy, he thought.
And so that was that
He had to stay a man, no choice.

But he heard this word
That changed his world
And made a future for him.
Girls could love girls
In that single word
It would be easy - could it be easy?

He didn't have to fall apart on the inside
On the inside he could be free
He started letting it out on the outside
On the outside he became she,
It should be easy.

Many years have passed
A host of dark dark nights
She was falling into despair
Cause she couldn't be
Who she wanted to be
And she was too scared to grow her hair
And as time went  by
She lived her lie
And learned to lock her feelings away
She was afraid and lost
Asking God
To take all her pain.

And he said:
"My child, you know I love you."
"You know I don't want you to fall apart."

He said:
"My child, I am with you."
"And I gave you the love in your heart."

He said:
"Daughter, my daughter."
"Your life is a work of art."
"So let them see."