Silence is not keeping quiet
because you have nothing
to say...

Silence is having a lot
to say but no desire
to speak...

i'm tired of defending myself.
the things I do or don't do.
sick of explaining the way I'm feeling
and the reason behind my means to cope.
the less fight I put up,
the more attacked I feel.

I don't want to talk
because you don't like the things I have to say.
They're too negative
or I don't say them with enough zest.

I vent to you and I can see the hurt it causes.
I hold it in and I seem short.
What is the use.
I try, only to have the worst assumed of my good intentions:
"Don't make a thing out of this (you argumentative *****)."
So maybe I should quit trying so **** hard
(if i'm just going to end up wrong either way).


******* out of here.
I'm sick of being sorry.
(I'm allowed to have off days too.)

to hide
but be seen more often
to give less of myself
but be caring and kind
to be grateful
but not place so much value in things
and to love
but feel less

don't tell me my favourite song
is your favourite song
because then
every time I listen to it
I won't think of how much I like the song
I'll think of you
and it won't be my favourite song anymore

So many times I tried to convince myself you actually might have cared and you didn't just use me and throw me out like worthless trash. For so long I was fooled by those beautiful **** blue eyes that used to make me smile but now makes my heart ache and my head hurt and my mind yell at me for being so foolish. I asked myself so many times how you can go from saying that you needed me, needed me or else you’d fall apart, to forgetting my name, acting as if it never slipped passed your lips, forgetting that I was the first person who stayed up with you late and night and went out of my way to wipe away your tears...were those tears even **** real or where they a way of getting me to actually believe you cared. Those late nights I stayed up worrying whether or not you were okay. God, I lost so much sleep wondering about you.
I tell others who ask that I hate you and that I don’t care that you’re gone from my life, but there are nights I look down and remember how nice to was to have someone who was always, always there. How I felt special that you chose me to be the person that you’d tell all your secrets too and the first person you’d come to when you needed advice.
But now you go on with your life without even spending one second thinking about me. You go on day after day without having me cross your mind while it's been seven months since we talked and just last night I was up till 2AM on a Sunday night thinking about you and wanting to rip out my own beating heart for caring about you for so long after you long since forgot I even exist.
I tell myself daily that I hate you more than anyone, but I know that I'd forgive you in a heartbeat.