I started with nothing.

No father.
No rich life.
No fancy car.
No perfect body.

All I had was love.
All I knew was love.

And love was enough.

But now, I've lost most of that love.

People I loved that I'll never get back.
Opportunities I've wasted that I'll never get back.
Relationships I foolishly past by that I feel like I'll never get back.
People I've met that I'll never see again.
Things I've done that I'll never do again.

Everything I loved I've let ruin itself or ruined it myself.
Or worse,

I stood by and did nothing while the worst things took place.

And I have no one to blame but myself.
And I feel like I have no love left.

Because I just stood by like a fool,
And did nothing.

And now nothing is all I deserve...

I'm not just someone who time-after-time ***** things up.
I honestly believe I wrote the book on it.

And my book is filled with stories of how I, no one else, single-handedly messed up everything I could have had.
I've messed a whole lot of things up in my life.
And I regret it all.

And lately, I've been thinking,
About all that I've done wrong.

It's been weighing on my mind like an anvil.
And also on my heart.

I've done myself wrong,
I've done school wrong,
But most importantly,
I've done others wrong.

I've neglected outreached hands that could have been my lifelines.
I've missed opportunities that could have been my successes.
I've thrown away friends that could have been my family.
But above all else, I've missed the chances to have the things I want most in my life, and I have no one to blame but myself.

And honestly, I have no idea why.
I've had everything that I have ever wanted right in the palm of my hand.
Everything I ever wanted was reaching its hand out to me...

And I ****** it up.

And now, here I am writing another poem about the things I could've had,
Instead of enjoying them myself.

If I could just have one wish in life,
One more opportunity,

I would want to go back and fix it all,

Go back to those moments,
Go back to those days,
Go back to the hospitals,
Go back to the parks,
Go back to the rehab centers,
Go back to those precious moments,
And not **** things up.

Because if only I could just go back,

Maybe I'd have better stories to tell.

I'm just a spoke on the wheel.

And the journey I've been on,
Has been tiresome and painful.

But I keep turning,
Hoping that I will soon reach my beautiful destination.

I look up to you everyday.

Both metaphorically,
And now unfortunately,
Literally.

But I'll never stop looking.

The darkness can consume me,
The pain blind my eye.
The turmoil blur my vision.
The weight force my eyelids close.

You were the first thing I layed my eyes on.

And I still haven't seen anything as beautiful since.

And even though it saddens me that I can't physically see your face anymore,

I'll never stop looking.