its not that i hate or hated you.
its not that i didn't loved you or the other way round.
its not that you hated me.
not even because you hated me for no reason.
its not that you disappointed me.

its about me disappointing you.
the fear the weight.
its about me being weak, not being strong enough.
its about me saying "I am not stupid." Because somewhere, deed inside, says that I am.

But you said it about you.
it was and would always be how powerful you are.
it was and would always be how mighty you are.
of how you are the creator.
about how the rock was Jesus.
about how i can hold onto the miracles and things you did for me, but trust in you and speak to that rock. that i may enter into your promise for me.

it didnt  matter how weak i was. or how i think i am weak.
it didnt matter if i was gonna disappoint you or not.
it was about you not about me.

Same place, same times,
different colours, no longer black and white.
Texting on the phone, calling home,
being the one resting, your body sank into the floor.
Same anxiety, can't communicate.
Just missing out. Want to be alone...alone?
Can't get out of this shell.
Help me with my mental health....
People has real problems, and I am not one of them.
Sorry for being quiet, despite all your tries.
Sorry for being closed up, locked up tight.
Sorry that the keys dont just fall from the sky.
Confused and lost.
Messy thoughts.
Expectations, sky-high.
Perfection, the "prize"
Losing sight of those eyes...
This big, loving, shining eyes, where you look over me.
Cradling in your arms you sooth me.
Thank you.
Yet again, a similar scene, where you helped me up, and kissed me on the cheek. Yet again you loved me the same each day.
Yet again you show me mercy and grace in every way.
I feel like I experienced this before...
Yet again, it's your saving grace...
Saving me from this dark place...
Yet again you helped me up.
Yet again, I fall down, and still you pick me up, and say " Don't give up!!"
Thank you...God.

are my only friends
the shadows around me
they seem to follow me everywhere
and accompany me
like a friend would
are u my friend?
come and take my hand
bring me into your world
we shall disappear

maybe i understand why they jumped.
maybe i don't.
a sense of freedom was all they wanted.
and yet when they feel happy, they knock into a wall, reminding them of how rotten, messed up, worthless, useless, weak they were.

maybe they jumped because it freed them from the pain and the chains that were on their hearts, squeezing tightly, breaking, tearing it, heart...bleeding.

maybe they jumped because the wind that rushed and skid across the skin, the clothes they were in, went between the chains and broke them free...

maybe they felt the rocks pressed against their shoulders flew to the skies, to be forgotten. never knew it left more on someone else's shoulders.

maybe they jumped because the fear overtook the pain.
maybe they jumped because of the regret that overtook their minds, made them forget on how they saw themselves.

maybe i understand,
maybe i dont.
i just want to say.
theres hope.

afraid to ruffle your feathers, i avoid your waves.
i lie so that you won't be annoyed, "the usual."
am i your servant that i should be afraid? That i should be...pleasing you?

ashamed of my life.
ashamed of something, someone that gave me life.
i shouldn't be ashamed of saying "God."
i shouldn't be ashamed of hesitant to say "Lord"

i am not gonna say sorry.
i am not gonna say sorry for something i did right.
so please.
listen to me.
thank you for listening to my mess.
but.
hear me out on this.
please.

i dont want to be part of this.
i dont want to be part of the destruction of myself.
i dont want to be one of them.
i dont want to be me.
i want to be him.