It was late in the spring,
And the flowers had bloomed.
But though the birds did sing,
One thought she'd be doomed.

Afraid of what laid beyond her walls,
She kept closed in a bud, so nobody knew
Of her catastrophic inner-world brawls
Or why her stem and petals never grew.

What if they think I'm too pretty,
And I quickly get picked?
What if I'm planted in a big city,
And my petals are torn up and pricked?

And after so long of nothing but questions,
She'd had enough of that chatty buttercup.
So she took the other flowers' suggestions,
And ever so slowly, she began to open up.

But just as her petals reached for the sky,
A cold wind made her shudder. An early frost
Had snuck into autumn. Yes, autumn, I cry!
And immediately, she became very crossed.

Why did you tell me that I'd see the sun,
And that it would be warm and colorful?
Where did all this cold white powder come from,
And why is the wind so painfully powerful?

But as she panicked she looked around
To find that no other flowers were to be seen.
And with none of them to be found
She wasn't sure what she thought of this scene.

She got angry and decided they were all closed.
Her perception of the outside had been an illusion.
She knew now that she loathed being exposed
And came to her conclusion:

*I will go back to my hiding place,
And never again shall I come back,
Because I so much long to be encased,
Away from this painful and viscous attack.

I'm sorry I can't start conversations
And that I too quickly finish them
I'm sorry that my prolonged hesitations
Can only be explained in a poem

I'm sorry I don't always smile
And that I avoid your eyes
I'm sorry that I take a while
Before I let down my disguise

I'm sorry that I act depressed
And that I always seem so sad
I'm sorry that I'm always stressed
Which sometimes makes me mad

I'm sorry I'm afraid of judgment
And of what people have to say
I'm sorry my anxiety is abundant
Debilitating me throughout the day

I'm sorry for saying that I'm fine
When I need someone to hold me closely
I figured you'd read between the lines
And see that I'm so lonely

So please don't stop talking to me
Even if you're always the first to say "hello"
Your presence makes me feel so free
And I don't want you to go

What if I'm not good enough
What if my mind finally crumbles
What if I just can't be tough
What if my feet start to stumble

What if my fake little smile
Couldn't hold up my face
What if they don't walk a mile
In my shoes, in my place

What if they know how much I care
About them and everything
What if they shoot me out of the air
And saw off my frail wings

What if I decide to trust someone
But I make a mistake
What if I don't say that I'm done
Before I fall and break

What if I act just a little too nice
And they only take me for granted
What if I point out a horrible vice
And their opinion of me is slanted

I know, I know
I say I don't care
*Yet, full of woe
I've no smiles to spare

Your faults they will seem to ignore
Your value they claim to adore
They don't make it seem like a chore
They don't claim that it makes them sore
Until they are done and slam the door
Only to leave you on the floor
Kindness didn't used to be a war
It doesn't seem like that anymore
Though they used to restore
They now only deplore
They will drown you 'til you're washed ashore
Until you've nothing left to live for

sleep, I need you dearly
                                  why
                    ­            do
                          you
                   hold
            back
      from
me?
my eyes are sluggish and
          
             I am overbearingly weary
                                                   why
                                                 do
                                           you
                                     hide
                             away
                    from
             me?
             oh, how can you not see me
                            
                          in this pale haze, I'm dreary
                                                          ­         why
                                                             ­    do
                                                          you
  ­                                                   lie
                                          awake
           ­                         with
                            me?
   ­                      you drown me, I am dying...

He told me I seemed filled with joy
And I laughed a little bit on the inside
But I remained polite and coy
Considering at how easy it is to hide

I don't show it cause they won't care
They don't want to know what it's really like here
Living in my mind of despair
Always wishing that I could just disappear

So I'll wake up every morning
And reattach a smiling mask to my face
And they'll remain without warning
Of what it's like inside this case

She burnt up as her life burnt down
But her screams for help did not make a sound
And all of the joys that she had ever found
Were long turned into ashes now

His eyes are galaxies
abounding with stars
shining so brightly
the blind can see them.

His breath ***** the oxygen
out of my lungs
suffocating so slowly
I forget that it's happening.

His heart is an ocean
the water after a storm
flowing with such beauty
the birds wish they had fins.

My love is a hurricane
falling from control
swirling with madness
lost in the darkness.

in the dead of night
the silence overwhelms me
and I can hear all

Tell me, tell me
What makes you tick?
What makes your mind free
From everyone's tricks?

Show me, show me
All of your scars
All that you want to be
And all that you are

Let me, let me
Know all about you
Hit me with your debris
And make my feelings new

you are an a d d i c t i v e substance,
     and you still haven't left my system.
a potent chemical coursing through my veins,
     making me beg for just a little more.
one more conversation, one more smile,
     one more hit to tide me over for a while.
but i keep coming back a g a i n and a g a i n,
      "i promise this is my last hit,"
           but it never is.

i can compare you to nicotine,
     but in some ways you are worse.
the stench of that "lava flow" vape juice
     is still permeated in my car upholstery.
the sickening, sweet smell reminding me
     of what i have disallowed myself to posses.

but with you
     the reminders are all around,
and the cravings
     don't lessen after three days.

you aren't doing me any good
     i'm aware.
that's why i'm trying to quit you.

but the voice in my head w h i s p e r s
     that you aren't that bad,
           that i can handle it.

so i'll keep waiting for these cravings to fade,
     but i won't say that i'm an a d d i c t.

staring at the
plain
page

from inside a
muffled
mind

full of my
empty
efforts

wasting all my
ticking
time

drying my pen's
idle
ink

as I sit here
trying to think

mornings are hard for me
and they're getting worse exponentially

because last night i told myself
"it's okay, we'll try again tomorrow"
and i set my worries up on the shelf
only to awaken to another day of sorrow

i sleep too much, but it's filled with chaotic dreaming
waking up ten times, heart racing, staring at the ceiling

because i can't escape all the overwhelming feelings
and i don't know where they came from, but i think it's everywhere
so i'm just sitting here, sobbing and seething
crushing my skull with my hands over my ears

and the only way i can express is through paper and rhyme
but i haven't picked up my pen in such a long time

because i think i'll cancel my therapy appointment
since last week i told her i've been off my meds for a month
and i'm so sick and tired of being a disappoinment...
when i said i was doing well, it was just a front

how many cups of coffee will it take
this morning for me to not feel like a mistake

I feel sad.

not the kind of sad that makes you
cry for hours about everything or nothing at all,
but the kind that makes you
lay in bed all day,
staring at the popcorn ceiling
in numbness.

the kind of sad that means
yesterday I couldn't get myself to eat a bite,
but today I can't stop filling my mouth
to fill a void.

the kind of sad that means
I went to the grocery store just to look around
and asked an employee about a cat toy sale
just to talk to someone.

the kind of sad that means
I stopped taking my meds a week ago,
because what's the point anymore
when I still feel like this?

the kind of sad that means
I get high and look into my own eyes in the mirror
just to try to remember who I am
because I don't recognize her.

the kind of sad that means
I've been fantasizing about
reaching a blade into my skin,
just to feel anything,
for so long it seems normal.
and I'm not sure what normal is anymore.

I feel sad.

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise
when I've tried every drug to fix it
over the last decade of telling myself
"just get through one more day"
every morning.

I had a dream about you
last night.
you died.
in the dream,
I missed you.
I cried for you.
but I don't miss you
in my life.

I wonder
how you are.
but I don't wonder
what we might have been.