I feel sad.

not the kind of sad that makes you
cry for hours about everything or nothing at all,
but the kind that makes you
lay in bed all day,
staring at the popcorn ceiling
in numbness.

the kind of sad that means
yesterday I couldn't get myself to eat a bite,
but today I can't stop filling my mouth
to fill a void.

the kind of sad that means
I went to the grocery store just to look around
and asked an employee about a cat toy sale
just to talk to someone.

the kind of sad that means
I stopped taking my meds a week ago,
because what's the point anymore
when I still feel like this?

the kind of sad that means
I get high and look into my own eyes in the mirror
just to try to remember who I am
because I don't recognize her.

the kind of sad that means
I've been fantasizing about
reaching a blade into my skin,
just to feel anything,
for so long it seems normal.
and I'm not sure what normal is anymore.

I feel sad.

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise
when I've tried every drug to fix it
over the last decade of telling myself
"just get through one more day"
every morning.