sometimes when i get sad
i sit on my bed and stare at the wall
i count every impression and dip i see in front of me
until i lose myself in how monotonous the task is
i stop thinking and analyzing and evaluating

then, when the sun has set
and my room is drenched in the dark blanket of the night
my mind returns from its absence
from whatever vacation it took
and everything sets back into normal motion

but somehow, im always missing a small piece of myself
on the trip back every time
i lose myself a little more

i am not sure you know how much you mean to me
when i am busy saving everyone that remembers me
i become too distracted to save myself
drowning in a pool of my own sorrow
instead of doubt, or caution
you plunged in after me
to make certain
that my head would rise above the water

when i was too busy to save myself
you did it for me
thank you
for awakening the dormant light awaiting in my soul

i dream of you when the sun falls to her knees
i watch as she sinks,
to raise your eyes into view
how lovely
how brown
filling the open sky with fond stars
that watch as your brown glimmers in their place

i dream of you when the clouds join forces
i watch as thunder roars and lightning blares
your smile into focus
how lovely
how bright
filling my mind with wonderous thoughts
and my heart with shock waves of joy

i dream of you when i close my eyes
to reveal your hand searching for mine
how lovely
how kind
filling the air wth hot bursts of laughter
that find their place in my affection
and settle in

i dream of you
all of the time
how lovely you are
how blessed am i

taking time to learn from your mistakes
the mistakes ive made in my past
i spent two and a half hours facing my bedroom mirror
im not faceless
yet i feel as faceless as a jane doe
fighting to discover the lost identity
that can only be found be found in the depth of her undiscovered haze

lost i wander from ocean to ocean
looking for the fateful creator
one who learned of the existence of a failure and decided never to look back
leaving a melancholy trail to follow him
drips of sadness mark where he has been and where he wishes to go

can the darkness that looms about him ever dissipate?
it is the duty of those around him to question why his simple sadness never fades
they question, but the root of his depression will never be made public information
no soul would ever learn of his betrayal
and i, would continue to wander aimlessly from ocean to ocean

when will my body give away to the .cruelty of nature surrounding?
harsh winds and streams of cold blue vend me
until i am one and the same
i will never rest
a lost sense of self has doomed me
there is no way to survive if i am not sure of who i am
because then who am i living for?

is it the strange girl who burrows daggers into my eyes when i look into thee mirror?
or am i simply living for the sake of those around me?
how about those who have abandoned me?
i am living without quite understanding why

so what is the next step?

i called from my bed
seated at the edge between the darkness of blue
and the shades of yellow too
shining down on me so deliberately
vying for the attention of the absent girl

i called for my lover
rooted in the letters that spell his name
i felt the fragile ache in my heart
he was gone and i was alone
it was not a particularly new feeling
just one that i could never rid myself of

i called on the phone
waiting for a ‘hello?’
getting only in return
the swift motion of a dial tone
BEEP BEEP BEEP
never had i felt so disconnected from someone
in a world filled with so much technology

i called from my throat
waiting for the words to escape into the thin air and
find him with their power
twisting and winding all around him
to let me know that his heart was as vulnerable as mine
but i only received the cowardice of my own muteness
not a single sound willing to escape
not a single tear willing to fall

i called lastly from my heart
loud and projected around
the great unknown and vast undiscovered
the call swam through oceans
and climbed through forests
glided on ice
until, it fell to its knees

the reason i could not find him
was because his heart belonged to someone new
no way of contacting someone
when they were only .once. true

she kept asking me why im always writing
and why i love road trips so much
why i cant stay in one place for more than a year without feeling the sting of boredom crawling its way into my skin
so i told her

its just that
             there is no other way for me to live my life
not when i know that
             the whole world is staring me back in the face
patiently waiting
             getting ready for me to absorb all that its trying to gift
all of these people
            that we coexist with, yet have never met
they are out
           LIVING THEIR OWN LIVES
           EXPERIENCING THEIR OWN EMOTIONS
           LOVING THEIR OWN PEOPLE
and we have no idea of each other's existence

the only way i know how to live my life is to tackle it head on

i used to sit on my bed
   in my room
       and stare at my computer screen
            any tv show i could find
                i would watch for d.a.y.s. on end

but one day i woke up
and i realized that that wasnt really living my life
i was taking a break
escaping into another reality that was simpler than my own
one where i didnt exist, but i wasnt quite dead either

but i knew that wasnt my idea of living

my idea of living was experiencing the wholeness around you
all of the agony and torture
all of the jealousy and mistrust
all of the infatuation and true love
all of the ease and satisfaction

it was all just one long adventure and the only way for me to enjoy it
was to let it engulf me
and glide along for the ride