something about me is fallen
my walk is not the same
the lengthy strides I took in confidence
are now short steps that I fumble
the hours I spent sculpting my figure through exercise
are now spent in my bed asleep re living the nightmare
and you
you are especially different
the affection you poured onto me
and the time you devoted
are now excruciatingly difficult to live without
you fooled me into thinking we were something more
than a new story to boast through to your friends

if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself faced with many
strange arrangements and patterns

there are thoughts dressed in silk
and ideas coated in gold

there are words dipped in honey
and emotions sprinkled with turmoil

there are nerves covered in sadness
and smiles sheltering angry scowls

if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself asking this question

am i happy?

i am a madwoman
so mad that i lay awake at night
and wonder whether youre mind
is racing as fast as mine
looking to win first place
and land in the depths of my happiness

i am a madwoman
so mad that i wander through the day
aimlessly strolling
from store to store
looking for the perfect distraction
while secretly hoping that i am yours

i am a madwoman
so mad that i pick up my phone
every now and then and call you
just to check if youre still there
because my mind can’t seem to forget you yet

i am a madwoman
so mad that i plunge myself into every minuscule task
working for a bone, like a dog
to avoid the gruesome possibilities
that i know are most likely true

i am a madwoman
because a madwoman can convince herself
of the impossible

and i have managed to convince myself
that you love me

i would like to say that i love you
but i am still not quite sure what love is
is it the way your stomach fills with air
and your tongue swells up to take the entire capacity of your mouth
and your legs go limp?

or is it when your heart aches so much that it
bursts out of its place and lands on your finger tips
then it stops beating and you lie in the sheets
waiting for something to happen?

or is it when every word that seeps
out of their mouth is like
sweet honey
that you crave so badly
and when they speak it overwhelms
all of your senses at once?

is it all of these things?
or could it be none of them at all?
i would really like an answer
i would really like to know
because i still dont quite understand it

and no one seems to understand it either