Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 27

It seems like lately
Its all been pain and frustration
And I realized
That I go to counseling
And I'm told about how toxic
All of my relationships are
And I realize
That I don't know who to love anymore
And I just don't know
If it's worth it to me
To rid myself of poison foods
If it means I'll have to starve.

I know she's right. I know that I have a tendency to form toxic relationships because of all that I've been through. But it just seems as though in the process of stripping off the people who aren't good for me, I'm also losing everyone who I love and I don't know if I want to be alone for the sake of getting better. I don't know if I am willing to face the fact that I have a lifetime of bad relationships and that they need to be torn down in order for new and better ones to be built, you know?

#sad #lonely #love #poison #starve #touchstarved #lovestarved #depression #imtryingtogetbetter #hurt

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 24

Muffled, Muted, Muzzled,

I got in trouble so much as a kid
For screaming or yelling at my parents
Siblings
Or anyone else
And it took me 27 years to no longer feel like a wretch for that,
But it finally hit me today:
Why does anyone shout?
They're trying to be heard.
And I shouldn't have had to be so loud
Just for someone to listen.
It's not my fault that I had to scream so loudly
In order for someone to hear me.

Oh how badly I want to go back to the younger me and tell her that I'm sorry that no one ever heard her. I want to tell her that my folks and siblings didn't hear her, but I am finally listening and I'm going to help her now, and we're going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay.

#pain #hurt #anger #rage #angerissues #deepseatedpain #justlisten #hearme

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 20

String Puppet

I keep living
As though love
Comes with strings attatched
And try as I might
I cannot cut through
That lie.

#depressed #love #anxious #stringsattatched #nostringsattatched #living #attatched #trying #cut #lies

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 19

Prone to Wakefulness

My shoulders ache, my bones forlorn
I don't recall my acts this morn'

I've purple bags beneath my eyes
My head's in pain from midnight cries

My back–it hurts, my jaw is tight
I know I didn't sleep last night

My demons came to call again
Lying to me about my friends

With weary blinks and bleary eyes
I sit right here and I realize

I don't remember what it's like
To not be so exhausted.

#hurt #weary #pain #exhausted #depression #thinking #bones #insomnia #sleepapnea #crying

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 17

Eight, Six, Three, Five.

I was not raised by my sister's mother
Though the same woman raised she and me
I did not live with the same older brothers
Though we lived with the same older three

I was not cared for by the same father
As my sister had caring for her
The same person, he was, but I guess that's different
She had softness and I felt his burns.

I did not live in the same home as she
Though we both grew up on Fallow Street
I guess we're all changed by the parents we have
And more by the parents we meet

I did not have my sister's childhood
Hers seemed very soft to my eyes
While mine was a horror, tragic and bleak,
I fought very hard for my prize

My sister was raised in a different house
Different parents had she
We both grew up with the same people
But both had different families

As I got older, it took long to learn
That though we grew in the same mud,
My blood shared with her is thinner than water
For water is thicker than our blood.

The same two people raised my sister and I–JK and BK. We have the same brothers, P, N, and J. But I was raised with a mother who didn't understand me and a Father who didn't want to. She got the parents who had learned from raising me and decided to try harder with her. I got the brothers who should have protected me and all three failed to do so. She got the brothers who would have done anything for her. I love my family. I love who they are today and I am learning to love myself as well. But some days, it's so easy to remember how things were–they should have protected me. The five of them should have been my protection, but instead I had to learn to hide who I was and what horror lay beneath my smiling exterior because I had to protect myself since no one else would.
I love my family. I am fortunate to have three brothers who love me, a sister who is trying to love me, and parents who are trying to learn who I am now. It's just hard to remember my fortune when it's stained with the memories of the people I shouldn't have needed to mistrust. I should have been able to rely on them, and it still hurts no matter how much or how often I have forgiven them. I still remember.

#mother #sister #brothers #father #damage #pain #blood #depression #growingup #water

Marisa Lu Makil May 14

True Calling

My stomach churns
And my fingers ache
My brain screams
My heart shakes
I am deeply sick
In anxious anticipation
Of all the worlds I will write

I'm going to try and make a living off of writing. Book 1 is in the last stages of editing, book 2 is in the first stages of writing. Praying for inspiration and motivation and clear signs to tell me if this is what I'm meant to do with my life.

#writing #truecalling #poetry #stories #penandink #typing #editing #books #exciting #meanttobe

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 7

Scabbing Over

Why did you laugh and call me fragile
When I told you I am healing?
Healing is not weak -
This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Healing isn't pretty. It's lots of panic attacks and freak-outs, it's a lot of emotional outbursts and not sleeping well. Healing is facing fears you didn't know you had and it's looking your past in the eyes and telling it that it has no control over you anymore. It's seeing your monsters for the first time maybe in years and telling them what they did to you. Healing is ****** and sweaty and tearful. It's messy and difficult but it is not weak. It is not fragile. It's a woman getting up from the field of battle, ****** and ***** from war, picking up her sword and choosing to fight instead of laying down to die. Healing is anything but fragile, it is anything but weak. And I won't let you tell me otherwise.