He twisted me
I don't know anymore
The truth is
I don't know anymore
What is safe
Or
What is a dangerous
I can't tell
Which people
Or things
Are right
Are safe
Are true
And what is wrong
And dangerous
And a lie
Places
Wandering hands
Unwelcome
Untoward
Untrue
Unloving
All of them
A mind game
A lie
Telling me
"It's okay"
It was never okay
And they ask me what's wrong
And am I alright
And they say how much I've changed
And "You didn't used to be this way"
But the truth is
That
I'm not here anymore
she isn't here anymore.
Fifteen years later
I'm not the little girl
You took advantage of
She's gone
She's not coming back
She died fifteen years ago
In that dim bedroom
Laying
Helpless
Beneath a heavier
Weight
And now
What has become my commonplace
Is not common in this place
Deep inside me
Sometimes
I think she's still in there
That little girl
11 years old
Whispering again and again
Through the tears
"He said it was okay
He said it was okay
He said it was okay"

Advice on falling in love with an assault survivor
The first time you look at them
They will do one of two things.
They will either not look you in the eye
Out of fear that your passion will burn them
After all,
The last time another's eye stared through their paper skin
They caught on fire.
Or this person may stare straight back into your pupil
As though they are staring death straight in the face
There is no in between with a survivor
They will either move too fast or not at all
But their trust is the petal of a daisy in the desert
Withered and delicate as you touch them for the first time
You cannot expect warmth from something so broken
For survivors train themselves to ignore the ghost in their heads
But that demon will always show up
And when they finally let you undress them
You undress their monster as well
As you remove articles of clothing
Their body begins to freeze over
And the spirit they could once hide and stow away
Is now at the forefront of everything.
They train themselves to have *** with the lights off
Because should a fleck of brightness reveal an eye
A nose
A mouth
The face of their abuser will fill in the rest
They do not want you to see their body
For the scars leave train tracks of the places they've been
Crawling in fields of thorns
Wrapping themselves in knives
Swallowing perceived sanity in the form of a pill
They will not always be okay
Because in their mind they are constantly at war
With an enemy ship that retreated long ago.
To everyone around them, they are a martyr
They have won the battle
But in their mind
They are a fallen soldier
Who can't stop hearing their own gunshots fire
Into the chest of their opponent.
Falling in love with an assault survivor
Is agreeing to watch parts of them
Go up in flames
Over and over again
And picking up the ashes they leave behind.

I asked God if he loved me
He said "of course I do"
I told him I don't feel it
So how could it be true?

I told Him I feel broken
And lost and so unloved
So how could He claim to love me
If I didn't feel beloved?

I told God I was angry
And felt fear and hate inside
I never really understood
How to see through the lies

I told Him I was tired
And I didn't want to fight
Asked how I could hold a sword
When I'm bleeding deep inside.

I told God I was lonely
And I wanted someone near
He told me that He loved me
And He is always here

I told God that I wanted more
To be held and be known
I felt like it wasn't enough-
His ruling from a throne

I asked God if He loves me
He said "Of course I do"
I told Him I don't feel it
So how could it be true

I told God I was weary
And I wished to see His face
And felt if I could see it,
I'd better feel His grace

He said to trust His timing
To wait, and to be brave
And He'd prove it's not my feelings
But myself He came to save

I'm sorry that you raised me to be better than I am
I'm sorry that I told you I was fine, *** it's a sham
And I'm sorry that I missed every bar that you held high
I wish that I could tell you I'm okay, but that's a lie

I'm sorry that I spilled that drink and broke that porcelain cup
I wish that I could fix it, but there's no patching me up
I'm sorry for the hateful things I tell me in my head
And I'm sorry you wanted a daughter and you got a mess instead

Often I was subject to another’s whims
In fear of sinking, I pretended to swim
To sickening stomach, the lights start to dim
And feral dark torture spreads all through my limbs

"Unclean!" I was crying, "Unclean I've been made!"
And a swift "goodbye" to my innocence bade
And as with a whip, my young mind-it was flayed
The putrid for innocence given in trade

I did what they wanted, hoping for the best
Despite my belief, compliance is a jest
So I let the weight settle, heavy on my chest
And I tried to forget, ignoring the rest

They did things to me I can barely contrive
I bent to their will, claiming to be alive
I let them abuse me, hoping I'd revive
We do what we have to so we will survive