Ten heartbeats
That's all that I can take
So I tell myself "Ten more"
And when those are done, "Ten more",
And I pray that someday
I won't need to say it anymore.

After an iteration of lying silent,
Slowly breathing
In and out
Enduring a lifetime of suffocation,
Something is seen.
Amongst the ashes of what once existed
And along the edges of the things that used to grow,
Life begins again
A warmth and a green haze that belies
The reckless abandon
Of all that used to be.
The whisper of Hope begins
A hoarse and hollow voice
Folding in on itself
While it echos across the barren wasteland
Of old, storm-worn steps
That lead into the coming days.
I look up
At the ashes that still fall,
Settling at my shredded feet
In piles of gray
And despair.
But Hope's voice grows ever louder
Though it never rises above a mutter,
Weak and worn
From years of oppression.
My eyes land on a single shade of blue
That birthed the emerald Hope
Among the ashes of the past.
And in a swirling maelstrom of ephemeral understanding,
I can now see:
There will be music here again
It may be many an era before its strands
Pluck through the dust
Of the destruction wrought
But there will be music here again.

It's rotten work
It is for me
If it's me

It's rotten work
To get up in the morning
To keep breathing

It's rotten work
To make coffee
And drink water

It's rotten work
To eat when I'm not hungry
And get dressed every day

It's rotten work
It is to me
If it's me

It's rotten work
To go to work
To pay my bills

It's rotten work
To fake normalcy
And mask whatever the hell this is

It's rotten work
To not just sleep
Sleep and sleep and sleep

It's rotten work
It is for me
If it's me

It's rotten work
To drive each day
And not off the highway

It's rotten work
To be alive
And keep caring for myself–or trying to

It's rotten work
Because all I want to do
Is not talk, not eat, not drink

Just...sleep.

I've been here before
The leaving
Been here on the floor
Been heaving

I know of this place
The rapture
You're leaving this space
Can't capture

I can't keep you here
I'm hurting
So I'll disappear
Reverting

I'll put up my walls
Not peaking
I'm hiding my flaws
Stopped seeking

And everyone leaves
They all do
They rob me like thieves
I love you

I want them to stay
You won't, though
So I ran away
A deathblow

You dealt it to me
Deranging
You say we're the same
But we're changing

Don't ask me to let
You hurt me
Then wonder why I
Want to flee

Folks always leave
I know it
So why try to cleave
Just submit

It seems like lately
Its all been pain and frustration
And I realized
That I go to counseling
And I'm told about how toxic
All of my relationships are
And I realize
That I don't know who to love anymore
And I just don't know
If it's worth it to me
To rid myself of poison foods
If it means I'll have to starve.

I got in trouble so much as a kid
For screaming or yelling at my parents
Siblings
Or anyone else
And it took me 27 years to no longer feel like a wretch for that,
But it finally hit me today:
Why does anyone shout?
They're trying to be heard.
And I shouldn't have had to be so loud
Just for someone to listen.
It's not my fault that I had to scream so loudly
In order for someone to hear me.