Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil 6d

Cadillac

TRIGGER WARNING*

I think maybe
I want to die
I think so, I'm not sure.
Don't really think
About cutting
Just don't want to endure

I guess that I
Just know that when
I see a gravel ledge
I wonder if
It might be nice
To drive right off the edge

I think maybe
I want to die
I could be wrong, I guess
All I know is
Sometimes I feel
I live under duress

I don't know what
This feeling is–
An illness, I suppose
But living does
Not give me life
No scent holds to a rose

I think maybe
I want to die
I think so, I don't know
Oblivion
Seems much preferred
To more days moving slow

Colors, they don't
Seem as bright
The sky–it starts to fade
I wish it would
Be over now
And I could waste away

I think maybe
I want to die
I almost did last week
A flash of white
And silver hues
And tires start to squeak

And when the car
Came straight for me
I promise I won't lie
I had no thought
For my own life
I think I want to die.

They say that there are more ways to be suicidal than cutting. They say that it's when you cross the street without looking both ways or when you're not careful while chopping vegetables, those are little ways to k1ll yourself as well. So when that Cadillac hit me and I came inches away from death, and I didn't feel afraid or even sad, I wondered if it's because I want to d1e.

#svicide #hurt #d1e #pain #car #cadillac #carcrash #couldbewrong #sad #depression

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 22

Cloudy Day Complaints

I don't want to eat breakfast
Or watch my favorite show
Don't want to eat lunch either
Or take walks in the snow

I don't want to watch leaves turn
Or take trips to the beach
Don't really want to read my books
And I don't want to teach

I don't want to take a bath
Don't want to call my friends
I don't want to play in rain
My gosh, this never ends

I don't want to change my clothes
Or pet the neighbor's dog
I just want someone to say
How long this will go on

I don't want to meet new friends
Or see old ones, either
I don't want to see anyone
Or to be lonely, neither.

And I don't need to be in love
I don't want a new car
Today, I just want to be done,
My life has gone too far

So tell me that it's over now
And that I can finally sleep
Then slowly watch me fade away
Pray the LORD my soul to keep

I'm just so so tired. Everything is so heavy.

#depression #svicide #sleep #rest #idontwant #complaints #hurt #hearthurts #broken #mind

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 12

Arts and Crafts

I keep screaming
That I want to be great
I'd even settle for "okay" again.
But pieces of me
Shift and chip away
And I can't remember
How to glue myself back together

#hard #tired #depression #exhausted #fatigue #pieces #shattered #glue #broken #whole

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 12

Decem

Ten heartbeats
That's all that I can take
So I tell myself "Ten more"
And when those are done, "Ten more",
And I pray that someday
I won't need to say it anymore.

Just ten more. Ten more. Ten more.

#ten #tenmore #heartbeats #trying #praying

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 12

Chernobyl

After an iteration of lying silent,
Slowly breathing
In and out
Enduring a lifetime of suffocation,
Something is seen.
Amongst the ashes of what once existed
And along the edges of the things that used to grow,
Life begins again
A warmth and a green haze that belies
The reckless abandon
Of all that used to be.
The whisper of Hope begins
A hoarse and hollow voice
Folding in on itself
While it echos across the barren wasteland
Of old, storm-worn steps
That lead into the coming days.
I look up
At the ashes that still fall,
Settling at my shredded feet
In piles of gray
And despair.
But Hope's voice grows ever louder
Though it never rises above a mutter,
Weak and worn
From years of oppression.
My eyes land on a single shade of blue
That birthed the emerald Hope
Among the ashes of the past.
And in a swirling maelstrom of ephemeral understanding,
I can now see:
There will be music here again
It may be many an era before its strands
Pluck through the dust
Of the destruction wrought
But there will be music here again.

I'm getting bad again.

#sleep #hopeless #tired #weary #music #hope #understanding #depression #destruction

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 4

Bad Fruit

It's rotten work
It is for me
If it's me

It's rotten work
To get up in the morning
To keep breathing

It's rotten work
To make coffee
And drink water

It's rotten work
To eat when I'm not hungry
And get dressed every day

It's rotten work
It is to me
If it's me

It's rotten work
To go to work
To pay my bills

It's rotten work
To fake normalcy
And mask whatever the hell this is

It's rotten work
To not just sleep
Sleep and sleep and sleep

It's rotten work
It is for me
If it's me

It's rotten work
To drive each day
And not off the highway

It's rotten work
To be alive
And keep caring for myself–or trying to

It's rotten work
Because all I want to do
Is not talk, not eat, not drink

Just...sleep.

I'm getting bad again. Maybe I haven't been okay in a long time, I've just been hiding it. Either way, I am here again and I guess I forgot that it's rotten work to keep on living when all I want to do is sleep.

#depression #hard #pain #hate #d3ath #sleep #work #rotten #broken

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2

And So It Goes

I've been here before
The leaving
Been here on the floor
Been heaving

I know of this place
The rapture
You're leaving this space
Can't capture

I can't keep you here
I'm hurting
So I'll disappear
Reverting

I'll put up my walls
Not peaking
I'm hiding my flaws
Stopped seeking

And everyone leaves
They all do
They rob me like thieves
I love you

I want them to stay
You won't, though
So I ran away
A deathblow

You dealt it to me
Deranging
You say we're the same
But we're changing

Don't ask me to let
You hurt me
Then wonder why I
Want to flee

Folks always leave
I know it
So why try to cleave
Just submit

She asks me why I'm acting differently after she told me that she is moving. What a joke. I can't handle so much at once. It's too much. I'm full, overflowing and I shut down because I don't know how to cope with the fact that everyone is leaving me behind. I don't know how to do it. So I tell her that I'm having a rough time and that I don't know what she wants me to do when the truth is that I just don't know *what* to do anymore.