‘I don’t know’.
That isn’t an excuse. That’s not the easy way out.
I genuinely do not know the answer to the question you’re asking.
Oh you’re frustrated?
Imagine how I feel!!
You just asked that question.
I have been asking that question my entire life.
“Why can’t you just..?”
I
             DON’T
                                   KNOW !
I want to scream,
to cry,
to be heard in some way !!
and not because I need the attention but because I genuinely have something to say..
Something worth hearing..
I’m scared of what’s in my mind.
I’m scared that I’m running out of time.
I’m scared to be alone because I don’t trust myself.
Not around scissors.
Not around pills.
Not around myself.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you know how it feels
to not trust yourself
around yourself?
I am at war.
   My mind
        vs
       Me
with my heart as a witness,
my soul as the prize
and my body, the battlefield.
I wonder..
Will I be a causality?

Locked in a room.
No windows,
No doors,
No lights,
No escape.
Just darknees. Black EVERYWHERE.
Walls...
Why are there so many walls?!
Of words.
In a language I don't recognize.
I'm stuck in a room..
Stuck in a language I do not know.

Everything I’m writing is a waste of time .
Tell me ,
What will this change ?
How will this eliminate that pain in my chest ?
Explain how writing my thoughts out can possibly help me .
Because these words feel useless .
Half filled water balloons
but instead of water
it’s fire .
Throwing fire balloons
Yet I live in a wooden shed .
None of this makes any sense .

These words feel like they’re burning a hole
In this poem
And not one you’re likely to remember .
Something insignificant .
Something only a grain of sand could fall through .
Tell me ,
How can someone as unimportant as me
Truly be heard ?
I speak when spoken to
And sometimes I speak just because .
But instead of a voice , all you hear are squeaks.
Unused to truly vocalizing what’s important to me
Because every time I used to try to speak my piece ,
They muted me .
How can I speak
If my problems don’t mean
A **** thing .
I talk about me to me
So much yet I don’t care about me .
So , my problems ?
They mean less to me than me .

Crazy .
That's what I must be .
I must be losing my mind .
My head hurts so much ,
A self inflicted pain on accident ,
I swear .
What is happenening to me ?
Water falling from my eyes .
Mental pain turning physical ,
Why does my heart hurt ?
I feel like my mind is attacking itself .
World War One
all over
in my head
Bullets flying
Memories being killed
Can't be right ,
Trust me the pain is left
Left as in wrong this pain is wrong
Rambling
I'm rambling .
Crazy ,
I'm going crazy .
Mentally unstable .
Imagine being mentally unstable .
You can't , can you ?
Why would you want to imagine losing your
mind ?
Could you even imagine losing something that
was never yours ?
I feel like a wrecked ship
Lost at sea .
I'm lost in my head
Thinking so much
My head is pounding.
Started left only to consume everything right .

Wicked .
What a wicked curve
In this race of sanity .
Giving me the blueprints of a wild mind
One that can't possibly be mine
my mind
Can't possibly be breaking
Shattering .
I'm shattering .
Cracking
Into a million pieces .
It is me , I know that
But it's like I'm watching me
Fall apart ,
Feeling every single emotion
Almost as if I wrote this screenplay
A movie of my own downfall
Written by me .
Starring me .
But , it isn't me
It is me
But it isn't me
A broken me .
Beaten down and bloodied up ,
I wish I would have known
A broken mind continues to break
Until it's fully broken .

I'm not sure
If I can start again.
I'm not sure
I feel like livin.
I'm not sure
About this feeling
But I am sure
Of being sure

"a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life."

i miss my memories .
the ones i can remember so vividly .
back when she was my best friend ,
he was my end ,
and she was my cousin.
i miss my feelings .
not the ones that remind me
of a time not worth living .
engrossed in my sisters drowning
nightmares plagued me
because i blamed me .

i miss when everything was so effortless .
being me was a manifest
error , something that was luminous .
lighting up my world with darkness .
back when i wasn't weak .
felt indestructible, nothing could destroy me .
except maybe a heartbreak ..
or three .

i miss when i did not miss .
back when remembering "this
and that " ,
didn't mean a panic attack .
back when being happy
was a state of mind
instead of something
i wanted to be mine .
back when i wasn't afraid to connect .
before you and everyone left
and i was  like our govenment .
a little off balanced ,
without being checked .

i miss who i used to be
because i am not sure
how to be
this "after" me .

Sadness
and regret is
overwhelming me.
luck,
left me down bad.
happiness,
deserted me as a child.
and depression?
it never left me.

but my mother did.

and I wonder why.

could it have been me?
maybe it has always been me.
stuck in a cycle of negativity,
I bring the clouds
and the thunderstorm follows.
When it rains,
it truly pours
and when I cry
my body begs for more.

I am addicted to the pain
that lives in my chest.
The one that has padded
And patted around.
Kneaded and kneaded,
this pain has made itself at home
and has become deaf to my pleading.
So as silence consumes me,
I wonder..
How long will life toy with me?
and when will death take its turn?

will the people around me ever learn?