Sometimes I get sad.
Like sad sad.
To the point where it feels like a blanket of darkness is surrounding me.
Like a black hole of sadness
and happiness can’t get in.
And a life without happiness?
It’s suicide.
It’s almost like my own hands are strangling me.
Do you know how it feels to be suffocated?
To feel your soul slowly ooze out of your pores?
To have your life force ripped piece by piece from your heart?
Dear God or whoever you believe in,
I hope you never do.

Sometimes I get down.
Like down in the dumps.
To the point where it feels like happiness is a foreign concept.
Like the idea of physics.
Difficult and hard to understand
Especially when you’re your own teacher.
Teaching myself something you never knew to begin w.
So , HOW will I catch on?
I just can’t.
I can’t grasp the idea euphoria, happiness or physics.
No matter how hard I try.
And maybe that’s what I get.
Call it bad karma or bad luck ,
Whatever shoe fits just make someone else wears it
And not me.
Or maybe it’s because I was never taught how to be happy
and how to love myself.

Sometimes I get depressed.
Like depressed all of the time actually.
25/8.
There’s never a ‘happy’ moment.
Not for long.
Not ever .
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t depressed.
Maybe when I was a kid.
Back when life was a walk in the park
And all I had to worry about was..
Whatever kids worry about I guess.
I can’t remember what that would be.
All I know is that kids have this innocence,
This happiness,
This light.
But, I never had that.
Not even for a minute.
Like a 24 hour clock of depression
I’m always clocked in.

Nothing seems worth it anymore .
Dreaming seems pointless .
Wishing seems senseless .
And living ?
It just seems ridiculous ..
I am hopelessly lost in despair .
In need of just a lil guidance
Yet I'm too far gone to help
And it's far too late to notice.

that I am

stuck ,
In the Land of the Unliving .
Feelings that aren't even feelings .
Thinking things that shouldn't be thoughts .
Remembering things that couldn't be memories .
Everything is
Mixing and mixing
And matching and mixing
And matching and matching
Until it's well passed
Mixed
And everything has been
Matched
And I have been drained .

Something is
missing
and I can't find it .
Whether it's my heart or my head ,
I can't quite confess
or recognize
under the scrutiny
I am under ,

Attack that is .

Each flashback
Rapes my mind
Over and over again .
Each ******
In and out , in and out
Leaves a piece of
'nothing' behind .
Like a dried up grape ,
What makes me ME
has been ****** out of me .
Just call me a raisin ,
I am nothing
but a dried up piece of something
that used to be
a being .

We are only as good as we claim to be.
So, what happens
When what we claim to be
Is a lie that even we know isn’t a possibility?
What happens when
The mask we are wearing
Breaks into a million pieces
Leaving us open and vulnerable,
Scared and helpless,
Alone and powerless?

We used to have the light in our eyes.
Used to believe in happy endings.
In dreams.
What happened
To us?
Where’s our innocence?
Where’s our humanity?
Where is our soul?

We live in a world of
Pretending and faking.
A world where the worst enemy
Is the person looking back in the mirror.
The one you call yourself.

In this world no one really knows
Who they are.
“Who am I?”
“Why am I?”
“What am I?”

Dreams abandoned.
Tears shed.
Hearts broken.
Yet we still have the nerve
To believe in a better ending
Than the picture we’ve painted.

We are only as good as we claim to be.
So, what happens
When what we claim to be
Is a lie that even we know isn’t a possibility?

feels like theres a hand clamped around my heart .
squeezing
and tightening .
tighter and tighter .
until I can’t breathe .
like I’m trapped in my own head ,
nailed to my own
coffin .
almost like I dug the hole ,
so now I have to lay in it .
a bed of nails ,
to be my home for all eternity .
granted my own void .
a black hole filled with nothing but misery .
a place where you’re
married to the mistress of death .
a sneaky snake who slithers into the darkest parts of your mind
then brings them out .
no ‘out of sight out of mind’ ,
it’s always on your mind
all of the time .
it’s anxiety.

Who knew it would be the silence that would get to me?
Seeping all into my skin
and slithering its way through my veins.
Pulling built up pain along the way
and bringing
Darkness.
A cold blanket that stole my warmth,
Darkness was what I was used to.
Then, he brought the light.

Tic, tic, tic
BOOM.
Ticking.
I am a ticking time bomb
and I’ve been doused in gasoline.
I feel like I’ve been snagged
on a fishing line
and I’m being reeled in.
A fish hook in my heart?
My heart is liable to drain.
Fully.
Have you seen a drained heart?
Empty.
It looks empty
about as empty as I feel.
This is all over the place.
I guess it is true what they say,
you lose your mind before you lose
your life..
which would mean
Death should be honored.
I am close to Death and
Death is close to me.

Out Of The Smoke Comes You.
Not Covered In Lies, But Truth.
Not Afraid To Be Real.
No Matter How You Feel.
Then Life Becomes Too Hard,
And You Think: "Where To Start?!"
So You Realize, Life *****
And There's No Such Thing As Luck.

I should break every single finger of mine.
Starting with my pinky
and ending with my thumbs.
I should snap them like carrots
at every ******* knuckle.

“Why?”
why not?,
would be the simpler answer.

but in reality,
simplicity is really
unknown
to me.

I wish to feel a different pain.
Even if that means,
grabbing my scissors
and slicing each vein.

I should lay in the street.
Right in the middle.
and wait.
Maybe if I wear all black
I’d be unnoticed.
or I could be myself
cause she seems to be invisible anyway..
either way,
I wish this rain would stay.
that way if i was seen
laying in the middle of the street,
slowing and braking
wouldn’t even save me.

Time .
One of the slowest ,
yet fastest things I know .
Having the ability to pass in a second
while also having the strength to stop and drag along .
I hate time .
Especially when all my
time is spent
waiting on others .
It’s like time is just idling ,
lagging ,
falling farther and farther behind .
until it becomes nothing ,
nothing but a clock with no hands ,
all because of a decision .

I decided to spend all of my time just waiting,
standing by without cause because
time was on hold .
but if I only knew what pausing time would do.
Leaving me w the feeling of being lost and confused .
Maybe then I would have just pressed play
even if that meant I had to play by myself
at least time would have been pressed
to move along .
instead of yearning for
company .
Imagine passing through infinity ..
How lonely that would be .
To never have anyone to tell my dreams ?
That would not be an ideal fantasy .
Yet time is forced ,
with me in the passenger seat ,
to break itself down .
Demanded to spend half of itself alone.
Completely cloaked
Half in radiant light
Half in soul ******* darkness
But always
ALL alone .
What would this world be without time ?
The world would be me .
Alone yet free .
Alone but free .
But being alone and free
is for eternity
not for me .

I hate this feeling .
This feeling of not knowing
This from that
Up from down
Right from left
Happiness from
Anger.
Oh but I know anger .
I know anger better than I know me.
Anger knows me better than my own mother .
Anger conceived me , it birthed me .
It fed me the darkness
and
Clothed me in hate.
When no one else would stay,
Anger was the one who showed me the way.
Even if that way led me into the deepest, darkest hole imaginable.
Death.

Death isn’t the monster it is made out to be .
It isn’t the noise under your bed,
The shadow in your closet,
Or the one who “stole” my sister.
Death is a savior .
A protecter.
A liberator.
Death is a guardian angel
Disguised as the devil .
Oh , how could it be Satan ?
If it releases you from a life of pain
And envelopes you into a hug of shadows ?
Soft and overwhelmingly complete.
Death is the mother I always wanted my own mother to be .

I am a home.
I welcome you home.
When you are sad,
to I you come.

I secluded me.
Bolted the lock
and then tossed the key.
and then I looked at myself and asked
‘Why am I so lonely?’
I keep asking why.
but
wasn’t it my own doing?
why did I cut ties?
why did I disappear from peoples lives..?
and the truth is:
I was preparing to die.
but now
I am alive..
Alive and alone
living a life I’d rather disown.
who would want this life filled w dread?
I wish was dead.
So I wouldn’t have to suffer
from things in my head
and the things in my chest.
I confess
that maybe
I am a mess
and maybe
someone should throw me away.

‘Who can you count on?’
My shadow.
It never leaves me
without a doubt
It follows me.
When I die,
It dies with me.
it’s just me and my shadow,
unfortunately.

These voices keep asking me
“Will you repent?”

and yes,
but only if I am gifted with death.

and just like that
i became your diary.
you being the pen
and i being your paper.
like i was your shaker .
salt or pepper ,
it didn’t matter .
you needed flavor
and i needed ...
you.

in a blink of an eye
you turned to me
searching for something
anything
to hold on to
and like a lifeguard
i dived into your ocean of tears .
(or was it fears?)
i should’ve tested your waters first
because
i didn’t know how
to swim
in a place so deep.