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  Dec 2017 Lydia
Scarlet M
I can only ever
appear unbroken
in front of
other people’s eyes.

Inside, all I see
is a tangled line
of confusion,
in a pile of
never ending depression.
Lydia Dec 2017
on the days you feel like quitting
giving up
or shutting down
remember there is more to you than pain and anxiety
you are a roaring wildfire, unstoppable to put out
you are the wild flowers that return every year, beautiful and free
you are the full moon,
in a sky full of stars,
you are even brighter

there is eternal sunshine in your soul if you remember to look for it
all this time you have had in you the strength you have always searched for
dont forget who you are
Lydia Nov 2017
I was always afraid of leaving
thinking that I would lose the parts of me willing to love again,

as if I had forgotten my heart was mine, still beating in my chest

to afraid of what I would become if I was alone or without you

like I thought that my brilliance was only because of you or something
and that it wasn't actually more of a reflection of myself back to me

I had forgotten I am my own
I am enough

to love again is inevitable
because I myself, am irrevocably going to be loved
Lydia Nov 2017
you
make me want to say things
I swore I'd never tell again
Lydia Nov 2017
how is it possible to be a person on the days that leave you feeling empty?

why doesn't that count as a good reason for a sick day at work
or a reason to take a break from life
responsibilities
until your soul feels better
or at least a little normal again

how can I be expected to be a mother, a friend, a coworker, anything
when my insides are bending and breaking and my brain is unable to connect the dots

when my hands won't work
and my legs don't feel strong enough to hold my weight
and my mouth forgot how to speak

how can I be a person
when I've forgotten that I'm even alive?
Lydia Nov 2017
I am physically ill from the abuse that my heart has taken from breaking

my muscles ache from shaking
due to the constant chill of being hollow

fuzzy thoughts like nothingness run through my head

an eternal longing for this something
something
I don't even know what

this poem, these words, these thoughts are all nothing

just black text on a web page

maybe they are my need to be heard
my need to be loved
at the same time this ache to be hated

the same way I hate myself

I have decided that forever is going to feel like this

just me, walking around day to day
on the outside looking okay
but secretly dealing with this constant twist in my guts and a gaping hole in my heart

maybe it's my soul digging it's way out of my shell

desperately trying to get out to find another body to dive into

one much more deserving than myself
who can love this girl who everyone finds beautiful
except she doesn't even see that
  Nov 2017 Lydia
Dead Rose One
<>

No, He said.

I want you
wanting.

I want to taste the miracle of your desperation,
need,
lick the sweet sweat of tense from the hairline well hid
on the back of your pleasuring neck.

I need your needing constant completion,
but not succeeding.

The airborne aroma of your desires are fiery, arousing,
stimulus sensating me by the unending beauty of dissatisfaction,
this virus desirous, infection, makes my perpetual wanting  
for an incomplete perfect woman,
forever seeking betterment,
perfectly complete.


<>
11-15-17 11:51pm
mixed up emotions re this one; who is the striver, who is selfless   and/or selfish;  can be understood in many different ways
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