some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.

the microwave dings and my dinner is done
I pull out a plastic bowl filled with what once was
frozen spaghetti
for one
I remember thinking before
anyone who resulted to eating frozen dinners was sad
settling
hoping for something better

these days all I see
is freedom to do what I please
and happiness in being alone

I have been the thunder
tearing through life with a heavy heart
drenching my soul with sorrow
as if in a dark cloud
I was surrounded by my own grief
over not living the life I had always dreamed
afraid of the wind ripping my roots out of the ground like flowers in a thunderstorm
not realizing that like the sun,
I will always find my way back

I don't know what love is anymore
I could just as easily confuse it with how I feel about cigarettes

addicting and enjoyable
yet it's killing me

now when I think of love I want to puke,
the thought literally makes me sick to my stomach because I know now what it does to a person

how you lose yourself in someone else and then all of sudden you can't breathe anymore without them

I am promising myself to never be that stretched again,
to give myself a try for once, relying only on my intuition and will to power through life and relationships, never getting too blind to see things as they really are

I wanna know what it's like to be so good alone that the earth shatters when I take a step,
electricity radiates from my skin and my soul is so loud it shouts through my eyes

As I drove home today I got a glimpse of what my new life would feel like
For a minute my heart didn't hurt and my insides didn't feel tangled in a knot and I was able to breathe fully again

I was able to see myself smiling from being so in love with being alone
From being proud of myself for taking back my life and finally listening to my heart calling out that it was time

I took note of the sky and the way the trees were dropping leaves and how the cornfields were yellow and the chill in the air coming in my car window made me shutter,
so one day when I started to forget why I did this
why I wanted to be alone

I can see the leaves on the trees and know that I did it because once again, I was enough

I thought my heart would break when you finally said goodbye
That I would shatter like glass when you shut the door behind you for the last time
instead I felt nothing
and nothing made me sick
because feeling sad would be better than not feeling at all