My apology is not enough
To start to fix what I have broken -
Every word poured out in love
Is coated with a silent poison.

I must admit my mind is flawed,
My shame is proof enough of this.
I walk full stride towards the jaws
Of death, I’m welcomed with a kiss.

I clothe myself in lengths of rope,
A knotted stomach’s shrine on show.
With sweet relief in morbid hope
Weeds are rid and flowers grow.

The blame is only mine to take,
Loving me, your one mistake.

I have never loved out loud.
Afraid that I will speak into existence
All of my fears,
And shatter the reflection I've come to know.

These words, caught on my tongue,
Could tear every stitch I have woven into this tapestry
With such pinpoint precision.
You could unravel me with your breath.

My lips flint and steel, your gaze a catalyst
For my words:
My body is a temple in flames,
I am the arsonist.

A guiding hand may slip:
Armed with a chisel, you could
Destroy this person I have sculpted from the ashes
Which land like snowflakes on my skin.

My God,
I have never felt this way before -
A violent, all-consuming fire.
Extinguish me, leave me in ruins.
The brush of a hand could set you alight.

It’s not through any fault of yours
That I cannot share with you my pain
Or force myself to my knees in prayer.
The cross I bear is all my own -
I bite down on my crown of thorns.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

In the pulpit the priest tells of freedom
With faith that perfection awaits.
Yet, I confess, church bricks crumble around me.
Smothering those who hope for something more.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

I cry out at the altar,
But only echoes return,
Misplaced anger is given new purpose, Punishment is due.
Your mercies are new every morning,
But I’m stuck in perpetual nightfall.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

Altar wine stains my lips red,
Stale bread sticks at the back of my throat.
Its appeal has been lost, but still I swallow.
And the pit in my stomach is not yet filled.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

Dust settles in my corners
And I’ve fallen into disrepair.
Morning bells have long since stopped ringing,
You turned a blind eye and I closed both of mine.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

I collect shards of steel,
But in candlelight the blades glitter golden.
Flames lick the razor edge
Forging currency to buy my escape.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

My lover calls me from the dark,
Beckoning me to his bed of earth.
I flirt with death ‘til I’m wrapped in his arms
But my outstretched fingers are reaching for you.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

1 - The action of killing oneself intentionally
And every moment that I spend thinking about it
The more scared I become of my own power
To take
To stop
To cease to exist
New lives begin
Every second
I’m not exactly
A great loss

2 - A course of action which is disastrously damaging to oneself or one's interests
My whole life has been
Suicide
So carefully planned out
The most elaborate note
In every pen stroke
In drawings aged 5
Red marker symbolic
Of the future
I had barely begun
A self destructive path
Had been forged
Long before
I could even hold a pen

3 - A running drill consisting of a sprint to a set point and back to the start, immediately followed by additional sprints of lengthening distances.
After a sprint
Your muscles give up
I think
I must
Be more unfit
Than most