i am the colored leaves cascading from autumn trees onto concrete
where you don't know below greens used to grow.

i am the pupil of your eye standing before a judges' sentence
without knowing the consensus missed evidence.

i am the rain drop that falls on your forehead
forgetting umbrellas don't matter
until they do.

I have reached a resting stop in my life long journey towards complete and utter happiness. I am drained, weak, and nauseous. I can't do a single thing in life without worrying about a consequence, a mistake, a fear. If I move on; will I be wishing I stayed? If I stayed will I forever be regretting my decision? I need to see the world, but I also enjoy some things in this life. I crave adventure, but comfort is easy to find and 'home' it is easy to call.  I want to see what life has to offer, but what if it isn't as glorious as people proclaim? what if I am not the person I believe I am? a unique writer who craves inspiring scenery? Or am I just a little girl who's been thrown around by society, mind so hazed that I cannot figure out what I truly desire? Life; it's a living hell - but with an open mind and no pessimistic outlooks, it can be a best selling book waiting to be written. I might have the ability and opportunity to be the Author, through terrors, tortures, and turmoil... I might be able to make my hell into someone else's hope. I just have to keep going, moving forward, and stop looking back and dawning on the past.

wonder came to my name like fairy dust
like sparkle
like the reflection of christmas lights shining through my grandmother's hospital window
she said i was an angel
it didn't change that she was a sinner
sadness has not left me since
like deep confusion
like taking other people's drugs and still waking up
like the boy that wanted every thing i had
he said my eyes were galaxies
he could never completely figure me out
dark rings around my eyes like jupiter and
smoke rings around my head because she was right
this is my halo
with eyes like galaxies and mouth like tinsel
with hair like sun rays and heart like falling
with a mind that has gotten me far
bruises on my body like kisses and
scars on my legs because he was right
this is my galaxy
with eyes like oblivion and mouth like wisdom
with hair like comfort and being like extraterrestrial
with a mind has gotten me far

She is not weak, she is not fragile.
She is the wind before the storm, she is the tide before the wave.
Respect the girl with lightning in her palms and tsunamis in her veins.
She is as precise and delicate as the details in her eyes, she is as deadly as the weather she causes.

I've drank until my stomach hurt, bought flowers for funerals, slept in hospital beds, kissed sad girls happy.
I've filled my lungs to brim with smoke and decay, fallen for ugly hearts, walked home barefoot with heels in my hand, had so many loves.
He has something unlike any other, with his ***** hands and bright brown eyes and dark blonde hair. Like a flower in the midst of a rainstorm or a suit or the kind of boy you would adore in movies and go to bed dreaming about and be sad that you couldn't find him anywhere around here.
He's the only one that's made me feel secure with one person.

we slept to drugs and loud music
hopping in cars, drinking beers, cutting our hair
with stick and poke tattoos that faded and
lips that's touched each other's and the taste
of salt from tears and she's a sunset,
she's the greeting to the moon coming home
she's the safety and comfort of a lover and
the anger and hope of a parent

we fell to soft, kind boys at the same time
with bandaged hearts and arms holding to
each other for strength and love
with big ideas and dreams and
stars in our eyes to match and
i am the sunrise, the kiss goodbye when
he leaves for work or school or for
another woman and i am the joy of a
child for exciting news and warmth of a
mother for devastation and we're full of
so much love.

she the waxing moon and i, waning
and we compliment each other to make
one big light that floods the ground with
sparkles in our energy

I remember us all sneaking across fences to grab the cooler full of beers she said were behind her dad's house. The back lights came on and we became swift as wind, running down alongside the river bank laughing and choking drunk all of us were. But we got our beers.

I remember leaving the house party, stumbling from one side of town to the other, smashing every pumpkin I saw along the way. When you found me, I was dazed. You said you just followed the guts along side the road and smiled.

I remember the bonfire at the moon towers, they drove off the flats in a fit of youth and invincibility. I half heartedly mocked, "they're gonna wreck. " Two hours later we picked them up from the side of a dirt, gravel, road as they walked away from the shattered glass and mangled trees. He still thanks me to this day for the ride home.

I remember walking down the street with you and that ******* my back, the street in front of your house. We all looked up for some reason and saw that ghostly flash of light pass across the front of the light pole. We froze, and then calmly walked back to your front porch, ours brains wracked with what it could have been. We still don't know.

I remember seeing you at her funeral, you were torn down and she was being laid to rest at an age much to young, only 15. You were with your new boyfriend but you still said you wished it was me by your side and for a moment life didn't seem so grey and hazy. I still never apologized for being who I was. I'm sorry.

I remember more about the sleepy little town we all grew in than I care to admit, holding all these moments close to my heart. It was the only place that felt like it accepted me. Even now that everyone is gone and our shades haunt that high school, I still feel a presence when I go back home to visit. Our little Donnie Darko town.