I am on the side of the line watching people-
As they come and go I've always wondered -
How do they love each other so much -
For me it feels unreal to even feel
That people can be happy together
I am on the side line watching people
He has his arm around her
She has her head on his shoulder
Why do people pursue and want that so much, knowing that
Nothing is permanent, nothing is sure, nothing is secured
I am on the side line wondering,
Why I've always dreamed to be them
They hug and kiss they touch and feel each other loves bliss
I've always wonder how does it even feel to be wrapped held and meant to be ?
I am on the side of the line watching -
All this happiness that has no meaning -
To me it feels unreal to even understand love and romance -
Are they even necessary ?
I've survived so many years without it -
Do you even know how it feels -
To be on the side of the line watching
This eternal parade of love-
That will always leave my heart wondering
Am I capable of loving too?

I want you to look at me one day,
Like you used to do so often
I want you to look at me again,
With the soft look and desire,
I want you to look at me
Knowing that I have changed-
Stronger and smarter
I won't make the same mistakes,
That made you go the first time.
I want you to look at me again
With different eyes and lenses
Maybe this time you would grasp
The love burning inside
My heart soul and chest
Beating to the sound of our silent heavy breathing
When our bodies make love
All night and morning,
Would you smile at me again,
If I laid the softest kiss on top of your shoulder-
That used to hold me so tight-
Where my walls would fall upon this moment I call and cherish tenderly,
This vulnerable moment of intimacy.

Victory

Here we are Mom,
This is the finish line-
Where my mind goes blank,
Where your dead body lays on the floor,
Between my hands your face is fading.
Finally I've stopped you with my own hands-
Those endless screams and tears.

Here we are Mom,
Where you've ran out of things to blame me about,
Threatening me, beating me up-
Until there is nothing left of me-
Not even pride,
Or even feelings -
I can't feel no more,
You've taken away my humanity,
my sanity.

Here we are again Mom,
This is the finish line I can see the end,
Where your will drown into your own loneliness,
No one to cry at your funerals,
Or lay flowers on your grave-
Because I am done with this pain,
This interminable miserable cycle -
This is your victory Mom,
I'm leaving'

You can only exist in my fantasies,
Where there would be no boundaries.
You can only exist in my fantasies,
Where I would wait for you every night-
Shattering every despair of silent light.
You can only live in my fantasies,
Where it would be okay for me to stay-
Wrapped in your arms my love won't decay.
Because you can only live in my fantasies-
Somewhere I will be safe and protected
Knowing that I will never feel neglected.
You live in my fantasies like an ephemeral dream-
Wishing upon the stars I thought I've already seen-
The beauty of your eyes gazing into my soul
Loosing my breath it almost feels unreal-
To think that you only live in my fantasies
This place that I can mold and fix-
Every single tear and broken script
In this world of mine I can pretend I am not alone-
I can pretend that you're here with me
Because I am scared to open my eyes to this cold reality-
Where souls like me can't feel no more sympathy
In those fantasies of mine I will hurt myself
Over and over again I am becoming hopeless
To find the strength inside of me to let you see-
That without this world of fantasies-
I have no secure place to be the real me.

She did not know how to live,
How to breathe,
How to kiss,
How to love.

She only knew how to die -
Every time she came back -
From her dreamy haze,
She died.
A little bit inside,
More than ever before,
She broke,
She cried.

She was looking, behind her shades, a way to escape,
She could blends -
In crowds,
In people's live,
But she knew she was still alive,
But dead inside all she wanted -

Was to disappear.

Disappear and never come back.

I'm so mesmerized my heart is pounding fast my hands are sweaty, his eyes are so beautiful I've never seen something so clear and blue my whole life. He reminds me of the ocean but he seems tired - bags underneath his eyes. He's human I know it - tired from life, ***** from work. His brown natural hairs the complexity of his skin. I want him to look at me so I can fully feel what it's like to be inside of his eyes - I want to know what's like to touch his lips, I want to know. I truly want to know but I'm scared. Scared that his heart is already taken, by some frivolous beautiful blonde girl. Because you know I'm not blonde. I'm just this fierce brunette with hazel eyes and rose lips. I'm insecure in front of him, I'm listening to music, wishing that this ritual bus ride slows down. Please slow down I wanna watch him a little bit more. Grasp into this infatuation. His scars along his arms, his old wool sweater- I wonder what's his name. He looks like an artist - or maybe a drug addict, I really wish that he's an artist or something it would be such a waste of his eyes if he couldn't see the beauty above this superficial world.  I wonder what you're thinking about - is it the ocean that you dream of ? Is it the warmth of a women that you desire? Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you mine. I'll let you in world this world of imagination where maybe one day I'll have the courage to say to you : let me love you.

Let me love you for this ephemeral bus ride, let me love you in my imagination, hold your hands and caress your lips.
The ride was short, it's over, I now walk towards my monotone work  - as I leave those fleeting thoughts disappear. I go back to reality and I will forget every features of your beautiful eyes.

Goodbye stranger maybe one day I'll see you again - maybe one day but I doubt it in the end. I know I felt love this morning -

This beautiful blue morning.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If I wasn't beaten to the ground,
If I never touched your lips,
I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If mom never left me,
If you never teared me apart like another chapter,
I wonder sometimes how you felt,
during those ****** sleepless nights where you would come back into my room,
crying - tearing - hopelessly apologizing.
I literally wonder sometimes,
Why I felt in love with you
The narcissist and me-
The victim.
I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If you never touched me and did the irreparable-
That haunts me everyday,
Where I drowned my sorrow in magic potions, warm bodies and dreamy pills -
Where I would let the sound of my hallow soul echo between those empty screaming walls.
I wonder who I would of became if -
If I never felt this beauty deep inside of my heart.
Feeling this world - I still remember your eyes gazing into mine-
Lost forever into the torment of two empty bodies -
Finding each other perfectly at their worse.
I wonder sometimes how you felt when you were on your knees begging me to stay -
Feeling those bruises on my neck
TELL ME HOW DID YOU MAKE ME
turn into something -
So beautifully broken...



      •••



I wonder sometimes, if you saw the shadows of my demons dancing inside my chest-

Would you love me?
Would you softly kiss the scars inside my heart -
Would you hold my hand strongly as I travel the seven seas?
Would you my love,
Despite my sins, my filthy body and the hell burning my distant dreams...
Would you finally stay?

  


     •••


You know I became this person - that writes passionately,
Warms people's heart and cry in front of sad movies,
I became this late flower that is yet to bloom-
But deep inside this garden of thorns,
I know a secret that nobody truly knows.

I became the most profound - pure and kind women I will ever be -

And this is me.


I am enough.