Have you ever felt sometimes that you were not alive - living a life that has no meaning. A life where the world has come to an end - the kind of ending where colors have disappeared.

Have you ever felt sometimes that you were loved but loneliness has suffocated you so much that you could not even feel the warmth of the loved ones anymore?

I've always felt like I needed to be strong - for the ones I loved but lately I've felt the strength leaving my bones.  I've felt like I could not give up on the people that surrounded me - but why does my life seems to be so empty?

Of all the goals I've achieved the past years - I should be tremendously proud  but the only time I felt really alive was when I took ecstasy.

Feeling the rush through my veins again - feeling the music pumping through my heart and soul - I felt like I could die. I felt like I could die of a delusional happiness.  What is happiness?

I almost forgot what it was when I met my first love - but when I came back to my senses - when I fell out of love I realized that loving was being able to cope with the solitude within myself. It is about loving yourself and being able to bare with the demons inside of you. I felt like I could go crazy - waking up with this unbearable pain inside of me. I do not know why or how I cannot stand the fact of being by myself - always searching for someone to warm the side of my bed and text me in the morning to feel like - I EXIST.  I AM HERE.  I AM SOMEONE.

Deep down I know I don't need someone to tell me who I am - I know I shouldn't find someone to make me feel alive - because it is my responsibility to find my own peace of mind.

It is my responsibility to bring myself happiness and joy - but I wish truly to find the strength to move on because I do not want to feel this way anymore. I do not want to feel this empty anymore. I do not want to feel lonely anymore. So please hurry up darling and love yourself already - life is so beautiful please don't give up now.

I will always be here for you even when you feel like there is no light, when you feel there is no hope - I will hold your hand.
Press it against your heart - feel the heartbeat - feel the life inside your chest.

You are here with me and I love you.

- Myself

You make love to me all night and all morning,

With your beautiful body you make me shiver,

Moan and addicted to you.
I grasp onto the sheets like there's no tomorrow,

Like you're about to break me -
Like I'm feeling alive again, as I breathe desperately into your arms.

Don't go,

Don't go,

Stay.

I open my eyes,

Into this delusional moment of love,
You're gone.
Leaving behind you,
broken bottles and ***** half empty glasses,
Leaving traces of you without any promises.


My fingers are reaching for the ceiling,
As if I could almost reach your lips again,
As you move through me so easily,
I engulf myself into this memory,
That will soon fleet as I
Look through the window.
The sun is finally rising,
Saving me from my hopeless dream.
The clock is ticking,
My life is starting,

Without you into this new day,

Where I will let my soul shatter again,

Wishing for someone to stay.

I don't know you,
I don't know the way you smile,
the echoes of your laughter, at the corner of my ears -
reasoning like old vanishing memories.
I don't know the way your touch feels, the way the tip of your fingers looses themselves on my body - looking for somewhere to hide,
the way they would fit my fingers,  grasping onto them delicately -
caressing, locking, intertwining perfectly.
I crave for your eyes - your ocean eyes,
where I could lose myself for eternity -
where you will give me the look -
that lovers give  - that fires the soul away,
burning me, weakening me down to my knees.
Into this moment of intimacy -
I would wait for you to find my lips,
waiting patiently for you
as we finally breathe into one another -
I will hold onto you and never let go of this instant.

I will never know how this feels,
I will never know your soft kisses,
your hands in the palm of mine -
Your silhouette fading away,
where we would leave our traces.
No.
I only know your stupid jokes,
and the way you made me cry,
without saying good-bye,
You left me hanging,
into this beautiful view,
of what we could of been.
Broken promises and words that you threw
right at my heart -
leaving my guard down
I believed you were different.

You are gone now,
I  still wonder if I still cross your mind,
If you still love me -
as much as I will always love you,
even in this suspended moment -
where I will look into someone else's eyes,
where I will share that kiss with him,
as I wish deep down,
that you were the one holding me now.

Sometimes I think about you,
The way you would look at me,
Your daring eyes lock in mine.
The way you would run your fingertips,
across my hairs, across my back, across my lips.
The way every morning you would smile at me gently,
as if we shared something special,
as if you would never let go of this moment.
With no witnesses I fell in love,
in the way you made me feel,
The way  I thought we were something -
something bigger than a simple friendship,
more meaningful than all those nights,
where I would drown my sadness in someone else's  bed.
But in your arms I felt happiness, I felt like it was different this time.
But I was wrong, wrong to think that you'd be the one,
the one falling in love with me,
Like I did with you,
desperately, innocently, breathlessly,
our bodies caressing one another - until morning where,
I would have to let you go.
You marked me,
Your marked my body and my soul,
with every single kisses, every single touch you left behind you,
I feel like I can't get you out of my mind.
But I was just another girl to you,
Another fun girl where you lost yourself to,
Another meaningless girl you left behind,
With a broken heart.