This is to the boys who have
Used me for your own use
Played my heart like a game of chess
Lied as tears flooded my eyes
Came and went as you pleased
To all the boys who made me think
There was no such thing as
Love nor happy endings

This is to the boy who
Showed me everything good about myself
Made me feel wanted again
Loved me for all my worth
Stayed even though it was hard
Still wanted me after the ******* was over
The boy who showed me
Everything else was worth it
To get to where I am now

I barely knew you
But those very few words
Still mean something
I got a phone call
And when I answered
I knew something was wrong
Her voice was shaking
Sobs were breaking

I didn't want to imagine
What it was like to have
That water rushing into your lungs.
To feel the cold Missouri pond fill you up.
To be in a state of paralyzing shock.
Your arms hitting the water, trying to save yourself.
And your final breath being taken in and drowning you from the inside out.

I didn't want to imagine
Your parents getting the phone call.
The crushing feeling of their son being gone.
The Thanksgiving they will be having.
Your close friends who now have no one to tell their secrets to.
Your entire school who watched you on the sidelines in your Savage mascot outfit.

I don't want to imagine
A world without a soul
As great as yours
A heart as warming as yours
Or a school without
A spirit as big as yours.

I barely knew you
But from what I know
And what I've heard
It would have been a privilege
To have you as a part of my life

My mother told me
Stay away
She'd make sure of it
I had to bootleg you
For my personal alcoholism
I couldn't imagine a life
Without you rushing
Spiking my blood
But you took that bottle
And smashed it on the counter
You didn't have to stick it
Through my lungs
For me to stop breathing
I sweat at night
Screaming your name
My hands shaking
The withdrawals kicking in
I chugged down the
Medication they gave me
To stop it from hurting
But it never did
And it became a cycle
Pill
Whiskey
Pill
Whiskey  
Pill
Until the pain was

Gone.

It's the first time I'm not running away from love
Except it's running from me
But you're not even running in the shoes I helped you pick out
Those were thrown out as soon as the texts stopped coming
We used to talk about listening to records
But now every time I put the needle down all I hear is the echo of your voice saying I never meant anything to you
Maybe you loved me so much you left so you couldn't hurt me anymore
When I look at you all I see is what I lost
And when I look at her I see every reason why you left
You have one hand on my neck and the other pulling her on top of you and I can't tell which one hurts more
I was hoping you would tell me you love me the last time I saw you
But the only thing that came was the burn of alcohol down my throat and the sting of her climbing into bed with you
Sometimes I see you look at me the way you used to
And it takes everything in the world for me to not run back to you in an instant
I lost my best friend and myself
And I still haven't found either
But now I'm only looking for one of them

I hate when people use the euphemism
"Taking your life"
Instead of just saying
Killing yourself
Because taking your life
Must consist of living
And the world is not a beautiful place
And you are afraid to live

8p.m.    It's 8pm and I'm falling too hard for your best friend
9p.m.    He broke my heart and now this is where we start
10p.m.   I am head over heels for you while you're mindlessly stumbling
11p.m.   You're walking just fine and I'm on the side of the road in the mud
12a.m.    You finally made me realize my self worth, nothing
1a.m.       I found a boy who's nice to me and makes me smile, but I just can't bring myself to stay
2a.m.       I made some friends who are just as awful as you
3a.m.       I drank until I couldn't feel the pain and made out with a boy who tasted like your cigarettes
4a.m.       I lost my friends who I thought were my everything
5a.m.       I fell in love with a boy who had the sweetest smile, but he tied that rope too tight and he was gone, just like I wanted to be
6a.m.       It's time to wake up, and realize my worth. I'm with a boy who loves me and makes me feel wanted everyday


3a.m.        It's 3a.m. and I still miss you like hell

There is nothing beautiful about
Crumpling to the floor at 2am
And begging yourself to hang on
There is nothing beautiful about
The artwork that covers your body
There is nothing beautiful about
Purging so you can fit into that dress
Yet society is glorifying it all.
Sadness is not beautiful
It's a twisted relationship with oneself
A million compliments couldn't build someone up
But one remark can send them crashing down
You become more afraid of yourself than
The monsters under your bed
We continue to praise something
That causes people to suffocate
Even when they're still breathing

It's been two months
Can you believe it?
Two months since
I told you how I felt
And you told me how you

didn't

"I just love being your
Best friend"
Is what you mustered to say.
But how can I be
"Just friends"
With someone whom
I want to pull in close at night
When it gets too cold
With someone whom
I want to wake up before
So I can see your marbled eyes
When I kiss your lips awake

It has been two months
Eight weeks
61 days
1464 hours
87840 minutes
5270400 seconds
And I'm still here
Smashing my fists
In closed bathroom stalls
In the back of cheap bars

maybe the pain in my knuckles will take away the pain in my chest

You managed to crawl
Into every crevice
And shatter every piece of hope I had
Left in me
You are the one who
Broke me
But stayed at my side
To aid me from falling
And cutting my knees

It's been two months
Two months since
I told you how I feel
And you told me how you

*didn't

The last thing you said
Was "I'll see you later"
But it is much later
And you are nowhere to be found

Your absence is crushing me
More than that
Steering wheel must've
Crushed you

I felt my body break
Before I even heard
I know it hurt you
But you have no idea
How much it's hurting me

The end of your life
Caused the end of my living
And I'm not sure
If it can get any worse
Than the feeling of
*Vacancy

I always thought
You were the humming coursing through my veins
Until I realized
I was just the dust on your fingertips
Which led me to war
Between remembering and forgetting
I wished to read you like a book
And then burn every last page
I'm frozen between
Not wanting to breathe if I'm not breathing you into my lungs
And dancing in a dark alley with my fingers around your throat
I'm loving the person I thought you were
While you're deepening the knife into my chest

I'm sorry for not always showing
The affection you deserve
I'm sorry for the cold and distant
Look I give you sometimes
I'm sorry for staying up too late
And crying when I shouldn't

A year ago I never expected to
Be where I am
I regretted not taking the chance I had
That rainy day in July
But now I have remorse for
Even thinking about it

Two broken hearts can't
Mend each other
But this seems to be working
Will it last?
I don't want to be the
Sad woman in the diner
Reminiscing in our old booth
While my hands shake as
I reach for sugar packets

I can't help but
Picture the future without it
Dripping with the past

I can't help but
Picture you touching her
Like you once did me

I can't help but
Picture you loving me
Without you leaving me