carm cerdan Nov 30

morning lights peeks through the door
i walk across the screaming floor
not mindful of the blood that drips
nor obvious to the pain that seeps
into the crimson carpet of despair
i wonder how darkness got there
the door showed no signs of entry
yet last night the bottles weren't empty
i like to think that these kind of days
are something i'm not really meant to face
maybe one day it will all cease
let not that day be when i shall decease
for i wish to live life so unlike now
yet my mind violently demands how
the rooms here rattle as i walk across
synchronized not to life's ability to pause
and how it makes you feel like you're gone
or maybe in two places instead of one.

i want to post a poem today but i really can't think of a title. help me, maybe?
carm cerdan Nov 26

we loved each other
with a love too catastrophic
and consuming
for mere teenage vessels
to carry.

it was too demanding
required too much thinking
made us bleed
without flinching

our hearts were baby birds
being forced by this magnitude
of feelings to jump
without knowing how to fly.

our hearts were still
starting to learn
how to love -
and it was too early.
it was too strong.
it was too high.
and babe,
we were too young.

not relevant to my life, but something i know a lot of teens go through
carm cerdan Nov 14

it's getting worse
thunderstorms in my head
it's getting worse
strangling me in bed
help me
help me somebody
untie the ropes
get me to stop
painting on skin
there's too much
red paint within
hold my hand just hold
my hand and walk with me
get me out of this storm
with the sunlight
in your eyes
i want to breathe again
without having
to kill something
inside me
it's getting worse
help me
it's getting worse
kill me -
kill it -
what's the difference
between the two
when you want it to end.

it's been months now
carm cerdan Nov 11

i want you to get tired
tired enough to leave me
so that i'll know
that all the people
in my life
left for a reason
that way i'll understand
how i became like this
so lonely
so broken
so afraid of love and trust
as if it'll burn me
and maybe
you'll prove me right
that i was never enough
to make people stay.

but still i hope,
you'd be the one
to prove me wrong.

will she prove me wrong?
carm cerdan Oct 28

keep your dog on the leash
wouldn't want it to go wild
you make me trot behind you
wouldn't let you feel riled
you taught me "never say no"
bark! - you say, sit! - you say
when did i become like this
the break-myself-just-to-obey
kind of buddy, your little puppy
wag my tail then fake my smile
wow! you trained me well, scoiety
swear i've been good for awhile
where's my treat, what is it?
bag of sweets, bag of praise,
a gold tied to my very leash?
but not a lot, just in case
i ask for too much, be too much
tell me how to act now
speak now, you think i'm yours
while i think of the word 'how'
how did i get myself caught and
learn how to listen too much
making them think i won't bite
because they always forget that
anyone with a mouth might.

society will not break me. will not cage me. will not be me.
  Oct 24 carm cerdan

treat me well
or treat me badly
either way
i'm still a piece of shit

the battle with my self worth rages on
carm cerdan Oct 20

how i wish
one day you'd find
the one.

she - who would
know you
more than you do.
he - who would
care enough
to repair you.
she - who would
know what
this means to you.
he - who would
not be blind,
not be insensitive.
she - who would
see your poetry
and know
it's your heart.

and though
i know bigger
catastrophes deserve
more poems,
that this pathetic
poem is a smoke,
not a cloud.
but i think
it still matters
that you'll
have someone
who will not
close their fists
upon your heart...

...after trusting it with them.

so when you find yours,
find me and tell me
how to find mine.

FUCK ME UP WORLD just kidding i'm so depressed so here's a depressing poem i hope no one finds my corner of the internet and realize i'm a weirdo
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