Kaiden: Poems

4d · 206

Heart

Kaiden 4d

Heart

You knew my heart was broken,
The least i could do was make sure you
Didn't cut yourself on the pieces.

im pretty sure i heard this somewhere before but idk

6d · 241

Liar

Kaiden 6d

Liar

Why would you lie to me,
Knowing i would believe?
You told me you would stay
While i saw you leave,

I wish i knew what went through your head,
When you said you wished one day you'd see me dead,
That one day i'd stop breathing,

But still, i kept believing
That one day you would come back,
That the lock on your heart
Would finally crack

And eventually break,
That i'll hear you say it was all fake,
But when that happens, i'll already be dead,
You said that you would love me,
I died a failure instead.

dawg idk this feels like something i would say to my mom lol. also, sorry for the bad quality, i dont really have any inspiration lately

#mother #liar

Jul 25 · 172

Meaning

Kaiden Jul 25

Meaning

I used to say my life lost its meaning,
But im not sure if it even had it in the first place.

I feel like i took the meaning away myself, and im too tired to give it a new one

#life #meaning

Jul 25 · 27

Mother

Kaiden Jul 25

Mother

I miss your love,
Your voice that made all the pain go away,
Your hands that always knew how to make something
Out of nothing.

Now i only get your hate,
Your voice that causes me pain
And your hands that hit me for not being perfect.

I just want her back, at least for 5 minutes

#mother

Jul 25 · 78

Father

Kaiden Jul 25

Father

You stole my childhood,
My innocence,
The little boy that was still learning his body parts.

"he's your father, forgive him" would you forgive him if he did it to you? I don't ******* think so.

#sa #**** #trauma

Jul 25 · 49

Write my life

Kaiden Jul 25

Write my life

I wish i could
Write my own life
Without someone else holding the pen

Free will doesn't really exist in this world

#life #freewill

Jul 25 · 46

Words

Kaiden Jul 25

Words

Words, as beautiful as they are,
Can't capture the feeling of relief
After harming the skin you were given
By "God".
They'll never capture the guilt
After putting the tool away,
The feeling of being cared for while you clean your own cuts,
The promise of never doing it again,
And the betrayal of your own words

Bruh i wanna be able to write better againnnnn, writer's block is a *****💔

#sh

Jul 25 · 35

"Just one last time"

Kaiden Jul 25

"Just one last time"

It's been 4 years.

Over time it went from "just this once" to "deeper" and i really dont know how to quit tbh

#selfharm #sh

Jul 25 · 75

Love

Kaiden Jul 25

Love

Another, more delusional word for hate.

I wrote this like 3 years ago ****, maybe love isn't necessarily hate but it definitely looks similar sometimes

#love #hate

Jul 22 · 63

Success

Kaiden Jul 22

Success

What does success even mean
If we all die in the end?

#success #death

Jul 10 · 211

Bring myself

Kaiden Jul 10

Bring myself

I can't bring myself
To write about someone else,
I buried a mistake in a pile of paper and regrets,
And wished for it to disappear,
Knowing **** well it wouldn't.

random draft i found

Jul 10 · 34

Devil

Kaiden Jul 10

Devil

The devil cannot be defeated,
It simply shifts between the bodies of those,
That were foolish enough to give in to it

im so ******* done honestly

#devil

Jul 9 · 98

Cold water

Kaiden Jul 9

Cold water

When your hands are freezing, cold water seems warm,
A bit of kindness seems like a confession,
Trauma seems like normal life.
I really wish i could control the water's temperature myself.

dawg idk im bored💔

Jul 7 · 264

Lifeline

Kaiden Jul 7

Lifeline

I try to keep myself together,
Holding onto you like a lifeline,
Yet i feel my hands slip off when you're gone.

And it works,
For just a while,
But it's so unfamiliar..
I got used to the feeling of the other one too much,
And haven't fully let go yet.

i love him sm but holy **** i need to learn to get over stuff

#lifeline

Jul 7 · 70

Lie to me

Kaiden Jul 7

Lie to me

Lie to me
And tell me you love me,
While both of us know
You don't.

idk i feel like my writing is getting so much worse but im too tired to care

Jul 7 · 67

pathetic

Kaiden Jul 7

pathetic

is it pathetic,
that the only way i can deal with your words
is hurting myself?

an argument
that you'll forget about in 15 minutes,
leaves scars on my body
that will last forever.

apologies don't erase the damage, especially if it's physical, and i don't care if i sound like a **** rn but she should ******* understand that

Jul 5 · 2.6k

Suicide

Kaiden Jul 5

Suicide

A quick, (not) painless way
To abandon all of your struggles.
An attempt to feel special, they say,
While in reality it's so much more.

They say only a coward would do it,
But i tried to take the life
Of the child i once were,
And the adult i could become.

So im alive i guess.... I can't really write that well yet but at least I have a boyfriend now so maybe i won't **** myself, i dunno

#suicide

Jun 28 · 206

Dead by tomorrow

Kaiden Jun 28

Dead by tomorrow

I lay in bed,
Knowing i'll be dead by tomorrow.
The air is cold as always,
Gently brushing against my blood-stained skin.

The regret slowly starts slipping into my mind,
Yet i lay there,
Unable to move.
I stare at my body,
Knowing i was the cause of my own death
(Or was i?)

I let someone in,
Now i leave this world by myself,
Over a few stupid decisions,
Interactions that should have never happened.
I'm sorry.

this doesnt make any sense but i hope the message is clear enough

#suicide

Jun 25 · 51

No.

Kaiden Jun 25

No.

A word you didn't seem to understand,
You acted on your thoughts
You believed everyone shared.

You tried to justify it by feelings,
Pretending there was a need for

The things you've done,
The innocence you've stolen
From your own child.

You imagined the desire
A toddler could never feel,
And proudly shared it with your friends.
Bragging about how mature
Your "little girl" was.

How good it felt for you,
To wipe the tears with the very same hand
That hurt me.

How you loved the sound
Of useless pleas,
A body you created to use.

sorry if this is triggering but im honestly so ******* done with my father, he moved to the same city as me recently and i'd rather die than be alone with him again cuz i know **** well what would happen

#**** #sa #no #father #abuse #trauma

Jun 25 · 129

Control

Kaiden Jun 25

Control

A feeling
That over time turned into a word,
Being too far to reach.
Trying to reclaim it,
You get hurt,
Or hurt others,
For the tiniest feeling of power
That feels so wrong,
Yet so right.

Trying to regain control controls you.

at this point i dont really have control over much stuff but oh well

#control

Jun 25 · 158

Reality

Kaiden Jun 25

Reality

A nonexistent construct
Believed by many,
And broken by few.

nothing is real lol

#reality

Jun 25 · 97

__

Kaiden Jun 25

__

So i closed my eyes,
Hoping to blur the image,
Yet it stayed untouched.
Why must my own brain betray me?
Or it it me that can't seem to let go?

it's been almost 8 months, i should be over this by now..

#breakup

Jun 24 · 75

..

Kaiden Jun 24

..

Has your voice fallen silent,
Or is it my ears that no longer hear?
Did your words fade away,
Or is it my eyes that went blind?
Did the paper burn,
Or does my hand no longer know how to write?

Tell me,
Do these stupid words answer the question,
I yet have to look for?
The question,
I've been so afraid to ask,
Let alone find.

Is it my fault,
That you no longer exist in my world,
Or did the universe see you as a mistake on its own?
Is it my fault,
That i simply cannot hate you?

could be better, honestly, but at least i went back to writing (i deadass have no idea what to write about but as long as it sounds decent, i dont mind i guess.. i need someone to write about, but for that i will have to wait ****)

Jun 24 · 266

Away

Kaiden Jun 24

Away

As you float away,
Leaving years of your life behind,
Will you ever stop to think what it would be like
If that specific decision wasn't made?

As you take your final breath,
And look around the room,
Will you wonder about what else could happen to you?
About the life you could have had without him.

As you close your eyes
For one last time,
Will you forgive your child,
For trying to save you?
Or will you still love him after death?

i just hope she leaves him one day

#mother #abuse

Jun 24 · 60

How dare they

Kaiden Jun 24

How dare they

I miss your soft voice,
I'm terrified of forgetting the sound of it,
Angel,
How dare they steal the only light i had?
The one that would comfort me when i was sad,
How dare they take away the only person
That truly cared?
The only voice, that when i was scared
Would take the demons,
And lock them away in himself.
How dare they,
Dim the only star in my sky,
And tell me i simply closed my eyes,
How dare they lie..

Tell me, will that star ever shine again?
Or will the spot on the sky be forever abandoned?

sorry if this one is bad, i haven't written normal stuff in a while

Jun 21 · 207

Dear mother

Kaiden Jun 21

Dear mother

Dear mother,
Is this what you wanted me to become?
With your lessons, abuse
Would you be proud of me if you saw what i turned into?

Dear mother,
Would you still love me
If i died as a foolish poet
At the age of 14?

Dear mother,
Would you look back at what you did,
And say it was right?
When you get a call that your child ended their life
Because of you,
Dear mother?

i wonder what my "dear mother" would think after seeing what i write ****, im a failure

#mother #abuse #neglect

Jun 21 · 224

pain

Kaiden Jun 21

pain

"you'll learn through pain" they said,
and so i did.
after years of them inflicting it on me,
i took the matter into my own hands.

i got addicted to something i hated so much,
the metallic taste,
the blades,
the touch.

the silver lines
all over my body,
the scars that'll stay there forever,
the sting after i clean the cuts,
(it feels like someone is taking care of me)

and the reason.
the reason i write this,
the reason i look for in my words,
yet can't seem to find

kinda feels like love, honestly

my writing is getting so much worse thoooo i wanna write at least one good thing before i die

#selfharm #depression #suicide

Jun 21 · 203

you.

Kaiden Jun 21

you.

i lost you
when i was only supposed to lose myself.
to become the few words
unseen by the world

tbh the fact that i might kms soon and the only part of me that will stay here will be my poetry, sounds kinda cool ****

#suicide

Jun 20 · 93

Your eyes

Kaiden Jun 20

Your eyes

I watched the light leave your eyes,
As you cancelled your plans once more,
A child that desperately tries,
Yet can't seem to just let go.

The same pattern i know all too well,
I see you turn into something i hated for years,
Because the look, that look can tell
The million words that no one hears.

again, i havent written in a long time but it doesnt matter anymore. my brother is turning into a **** copy of me, which is bad. he's literally a **** mess right now, and i wont be able to see him for **** knows how long because as soon as summer break starts i might be put in a mental hospital because of things i won't say on here. i have no idea how to help him, he lives too far away and if nothing changes, the next time i'll see him will be in august, on my birthday (if my mother lets him). i highly doubt i'll be alive by then. i might forget him, but tf am i supposed to do then? like okay, i'll kms, whatever, but what about him? i honestly feel like it's better if i just die instead of letting him watch my mental health get worse, cuz he knows it'll happen to him eventually. he's not stupid. im trying to help him but i really can't, he doesnt let anyone help him. i dont even know if he's alive now, but i hope he is. i know im rambling about random **** now but if you have any ideas, please dm me or something, i'd take any advice atp

#brother #suicide #depression

Jun 17 · 117

Lost

Kaiden Jun 17

Lost

Lost in a world i knew so well,
Locked myself up in my own hell,
Losing friends,
Hoping that it finally ends,
And sets me free from my own prison.

False beliefs,
Trying to find relief from the grief
Of an alive person,
A brother, a son,
He's still here,
But i believe he's gone.

i might take a break from writing (i know i keep saying this, i'm sorry) because i quite literally went into psychosis and i can barely function, not even mentioning writing. btw yes, im getting help, it just doesn't really work tbh

#lost

Jun 16 · 383

give up.

Kaiden Jun 16

give up.

i gave up,
took the sharpener out of the drawer,
resetted the streak.
it's pointless,
the addiction scarred my mind
like the blade scarred my skin,
the wetness of the blood
and feeling of the skin opening
won't leave me like the people in my life did
so they're good, are they not?

i can quite literally feel myself becoming less functional every single day and i honestly dont know how long i can stay here

#suicide

Jun 6 · 360

scars

Kaiden Jun 6

scars

each one has a reason
a purpose that faded away,
another time someone broke your trust,
broke you.

each one is for a specific person,
or people,
for a thought or memory,
for satisfaction, control or punishment.

each one is shaped differently,
yet you recognize every single one.
the sight of them fading fills you with a need for more
as you go deeper.

at this point im not even trying to stay clean, there's no point. i'll relapse anyway. it's quite ironic how someone you thought you could trust becomes the reason you want to disappear (in my case its my stepfather and a few other people)

#suicide #selfharm

Jun 6 · 197

not real

Kaiden Jun 6

not real

this place
i got forced into
is not real.
it may be for you,
but for me it is not.
after some time you start to see through the lies humans -
- or the others - built.
you see though this reality
into yours,
the voices feeling more real than people,
the shadows more comforting than touch

honestly i dont even know what im writing anymore, maybe it's just cuz im tired, maybe it's cuz im dissociating again, i have no idea. i just want it to end like *** just make it stop without pushing me in deeper for once

#suicide #derealization

Jun 6 · 178

Hope

Kaiden Jun 6

Hope

Hope is worthless.
You get it
And lose it,
Each time feeling more painful than the other.
Sometimes lies are more reliable than the truth

im so ******* done, everytime i get the tiniest bit of hope and my mental health is starting to get better, i ******* lose it cuz why not. im too tired to even try at this point, for the past **** knows how long ive been trying to convince myself im not suicidal, just to not **** myself before summer break, then i can be depressed all i want. i have exactly 20 days left until summer break and i genuinely dont think i'll be alive by then. "oh but your brother will get worried", i dont ******* care at this point. i really dont. nothing is real anyway, i just ended up being in this ******* reality where everyone hates me. sorry for the rant but im way too ******* tired for this.

#suicide #fuckingkillmepls

Jun 6 · 153

again.

Kaiden Jun 6

again.

everyone is already asleep
the pills seem to stare right into your soul
you grab the blade,
the cold edge hitting your skin
almost tenderly.
as the thick, dark liquid stains the sheets,
you open the bottle with your shaky hands.
and take them out
one by one.
it tells you to hurry up.
you quickly consume every single one,
before you could regret it.
you write a few notes, texts, explaining why you'll be gone,
possibly forever.
they don't have to know that though.
you can already feel the headache coming,
the regret slowly creeping in,
you pass out.
you wake up a few hours later,
confused,
the realization finally hits you.
you don't want to listen,
but the pill whispers:
"again."

honestly i've failed so many attempts i lost count. this is probably the last thing i'll write in a while, or maybe the last thing i'll ever write. if that's the case, i love you all and i'm so sorry.

#suicide

Jun 6 · 251

Promises

Kaiden Jun 6

Promises

You make promises,
And never keep them.
Making a spontaneous decision to form a bond
Of the promise you'll never keep.

The necklace you used as a proof
That you can keep a few words true,
Now laying in your drawer,
Becoming a simple memory.
The bracelet you still wear on your wrist,
Not having the heart to take it off,
While the promise was broken ages ago,
Leaving it a meaningless piece of material.

The notebooks with poems,
About random people, thoughts, feelings,
Untouched for years,
The letters you knew he'd never recieve.

And the shiny blade,
Slowly being decorated by rust,
Yet you still use it.
You don't know why,
You don't know what it gives you,
But you made a promise.

this one is long af, kinda a vent thing i guess? idk bro i dont care at this point

#promise #suicide

Jun 6 · 146

Gaslight

Kaiden Jun 6

Gaslight

Gaslight yourself.
Into thinking you're important,
Happy,
Normal.
That thin line of denial
Being the only thing keeping you alive.
They would miss you if you were gone, wouldn't they?

they would not, and im honestly tired of pretending they would

#suicide #depression

Jun 6 · 124

Goodbye?

Kaiden Jun 6

Goodbye?

I always dreamed
Of dying in a special way.
People worried,
Mother guilty for what she did,
The awkward school assembly about a dead student.
Someone trying to stop me from ending it all.

Yet now i sit in my room,
Reading the texts from earlier,
The pretty lies, saying it's "just a break".
A break i won't come back from.

i told a few people that were somewhat close to me that i'll have to take a break due to my mental health getting really bad again. honestly, it's starting to look more like a goodbye, i'm sorry.

#suicide

May 29 · 89

Last rant for now

Kaiden May 29

Last rant for now

(again, if this gets taken down it's fine)

So.. Idk if this can be called a rant, im kinda just explaining some stuff. School is really too much rn, im failing literally everything. Then there's some personal stuff, but that's not important cuz that's just mental health stuff. I tried to stay for longer, but i genuinely can't anymore. Because of this, i will be taking a break for a while. I'm fine, really, i just need some time to think about stuff. I know no one cares, but idk it just felt rude to leave without an explanation. Anyway, I'll come back as soon as i can, I'm sorry.

Again, i know no one cares but whatever

May 29 · 355

The blade

Kaiden May 29

The blade

In a box, in the last drawer,
A blade lies.
Feeding off the quiet cries,
Not quitting, even though it tries.

Having an idiot to please,
Because SOMEONE is upset,
Cutting off the bad emotions,
Hatred, longing and regret.

So like... This one feels extremely unfinished BUT I WAS LIKE 12/13 WHEN I WROTE THIS... and i guess it's the pov of the blade once you use it

#selfharm #depression #suicide #blade

May 29 · 308

One day

Kaiden May 29

One day

A minute, a day
Takes another life away.
Showing the truth
Through obvious lies,
A poem is written,
The writer dies.

Im the writer btw

(another draft, this time from december)

#suicide #depression

May 29 · 145

Love your hatred

Kaiden May 29

Love your hatred

Because one day it'll leave too

I wish i could just simply hate someone, at least i would have a distraction from everything

#hate

May 29 · 207

Forget

Kaiden May 29

Forget

"I want to forget"
Stupid words said by a stupid child,
That deep down wanted to remember.

Now that I'm forgetting,
I try to put it into words,
So one day, when i forget,
They'll remember.

Let's be honest here, there's no "they". No one cares, no matter how much they pretend they do. This one is a draft from a month ago

#forget #remember #trauma

May 29 · 206

Innocence

Kaiden May 29

Innocence

Did i really lose my innocence,
If i never had it?

For context, i was SA'd as a kid but i was really young and i dont remember anything from before that. The one who did it was my "loving father".

#sa #depression #trauma

May 29 · 140

Do me a favor

Kaiden May 29

Do me a favor

Do me a favor,
And pick up the gun,
Killing what used to be your son,
That's now a memory instead.

Do me a favor,
And pick up the knife,
Killing what used to be a life,
(be happy, he could take it on his own)

Do me a favor,
And give me the pills,
Every single one that kills
The mistake you made
When you were 21,
The 14 years old accident,
You wanted gone.

Finishing some draftsssss
I actually wrote this in a mental hospital lol

#**** #depression #abuse

May 18 · 85

..

Kaiden May 18

..

Who should i be
When i am gone?
When i have lost,
And his words won.
When what comforted me
Brought me pain,
A rapid fall,
After a gain.
To repeat this over and over again.

sorry for not writing, ive been dissociating so bad for the past few days and it *****

Apr 23 · 81

Update

Kaiden Apr 23

Update

Hi so this is a bit different from what i usually write but yeah.
Thank you so much to all of the people that were worried, i wouldn't be here without y'all (i'm serious, you guys were the reason i didn't go through with it). Basically i had a random breakdown from bottling stuff up and i was trying not to off myself, which ended like this. I'm somewhat fine now and i'll talk to my therapist and all that. Again, thank you all so much.

<3

Apr 22 · 414

Reading my life

Kaiden Apr 22

Reading my life

Reading my life
In tears
The past 2 years of my pain
At exactly 11:52pm
Contemplating every decision,
Every tiny detail
That shaped me into this failure.

i'm so sorry.

#read #life #suicide

Apr 22 · 389

Let me go

Kaiden Apr 22

Let me go

Break this bond between me and earth,
Let me go forever underground,
Far, far away from the pain and hurtful words,
From the toxic embrace of your hate.

suicidal af rn

#suicide #hurt #abuse #death #earth

Apr 22 · 157

gone.

Kaiden Apr 22

gone.

My fingers
Interlocking with yours.
For the last time,
You'll never know you won't see me again.
Ever.
I'll be gone.
F O R E V E R.

i wanna get out of here

#gone