I will be on your doorstep
waiting for a door that
I know won't open in a matter
of seconds, even years
you did love me
sometimes you still do
like in songs that you say
remind you of me
in poems you write in your
faded journal with initials
at the end that I don't know of

Now you've hidden goodbyes
at the tip of my tongue
and have printed white ink
"move on move on move on"
on a paper i won't ever dare to pick up

Each time I try to get you closer to me
you push me just a centimeter away
but centimeters soon turn into miles
but even miles away you're
still holding on to me
hurting me
maybe hurting yourself
by stretching your arms so far
soon your arm will numb and
let go from my delicate palm
and when you do
maybe I will be able to finally
let  
      go of you too

j.f

I'm really anxious to scribble about you because
it makes me feel everything that you make me feel
and everything feels so much more honest and sincere
when my words smudge up against
the side of my palm and dye it blue
as my pen dashes to keep up with my heart and tears

but I don't want it to be honest and sincere
or feel that way anymore
because I thought I was moving on
moving on from ache
that I wish I didn't crave
I thought I knew all of this was
unwise and non-realistic

but maybe I need to stop thinking
and just let myself feel;
feel the goosebumps you give me,
feel the pain you give to my wrists,
feel the blood you infuse into my veins and
all the blood I let out of my veins because of you  

but maybe I don't need to know everything,
like exactly what you're thinking
or exactly how I feel
maybe even exactly how you feel
or how all of this is going to turn out
because I already have an idea of how it will turn out to be
but I don't even need to have an idea
I just need to let it be and
whatever happens, happens

Everything isn't always going to be clear,
and not everything is going to be given to you by hand
and you'll always have to work for what you want
and let go of everything that makes you anxious
because you know that at the end you will be pleased
with just loving yourself
not just by loving you, whom doesn't love me

I'd like to be able to leaf through the trees and smile
even if you are not there, wandering besides me

j.f

(I )think my biggest fault was
wanting to know everything
that was yet to cross your mind
I want to know everything you feel
at any given moment
what you (wish) for when the clock hits 11:11
( I) want you to want me to know why
you painted your bedroom walls dark blue
(was) it that the day you picked the bucket of paint
you saw the sea really dark and you wanted to feel free and wild?
(on) the day of your birthday do you feel older?
i want to know (your) fears and
which day of the week you feel happiest on
and whats on your (mind)
before you close your eyes into darkness
But most of all
I want to know everything you feel
even just by me glancing at you

j.f

We started talking again
and I thought
"maybe we can finally just be friends again"
but
once again
we started being how we were before
you started being the most you
and I stopped ..
          stopped lying to myself
by putting words into my mouth that my
mind would say
        not my heart
I laughed
and said
"I can never just be friends with you"

j.f

If I don't make you laugh on your worse days if I'm not the one that
you go to when you don't want to speak to another human being
if I don't put a smile on your face
just by you listening to my voice
If I don't make your heart skip a beat
when I say I love you
leave me
If I'm not on your mind 24/7
maybe even less
(so it can be an exception)
and if my name is not on your school notebooks with hearts on it
(maybe my name in a light grey)
leave me
run away from me
far, far away
if the thought of you not wanting to speak to me again crosses your path
on days you hate me
leave me
if I don't make you squirm in happiness
even if it's just by the simple word
of hello
and make you the saddest when i say
the simple words of just good bye
leave me
just please leave me
just please do so
because you deserve better and
there is someone out there
who will make you feel
the way I wish I could make you feel

so leave me

j.f

I love you so much

so I gave up on you
stopped talking to you
and watched you love somebody else

and even though I know I am miserable and so sad not speaking to you

I know I am so much better off
without you

you lied when you said you loved me
                                                                ­                    
                                      and i lied when i said i didn't love you back


j.f

I get lonely in the dark holy nights
it makes me judge my image
So i grab that pretty little silver sparkling blade

***** that that's the way i express it
But
I fall asleep with a smile on my face

j.f

The way we connected was beautiful just like I thought you were but I know what we
could have been is something
that I, we  couldn't get
               a hold of

                  at the end
we were both too afraid
to embark on the opportunity
we had that we just went on with life
                                       without one another


I guess we weren't so inseparable like humanity         thought we were

                look at us
just a f e w steps away from each other but
                m    i    l   es  away in our minds

j.f

at the same time
i'm glad that i'm not afraid to get hurt
like, Jesus Christ
you don't know how happy i am
that i fell for someone who will never love me back
me letting her clench her hands onto my heart
ripping it out of my rib cage while telling me
she loved me and i would beg her
to stop but i'll let myself bleed

it's all a good thing
we all need pain because when its 3 a.m.
and she's the only thing on your mind
and you're crying, rolling around in bed
to see if you crash into her body and
you realize she will never be there
it sure will hurt like hell but ****, at least you'll feel something

j.f

Love of mine
one day you will die
but I'll be right behind
only hoping this time
you'll finally be mine

j.f

its so hopeless and i'm so frustrated because i know you wanted me.. on those days i drove 30 minutes just to see you, to kiss you, and to be held so close to you to the point that if you squeezed a bit tighter id lose my breath. i could feel your eyes giving me a sunburn as i watched the television screen and id smile just to hear the words "youre so cute" come out of your mouth. Being together and pretending what we had will last for a long time, that the moment would stand still but at the same time i feel that all of it was just something for you to do on your free time, even though you deny it. i remember a tear crawling down my cheek as i watched your delicate hands making me the same sandwich you made the first day we met all because i knew this was all just going to be a memory engraved in my brain. That in a matter of time it will all just end.

i cant imagine you actually missing me when days of us not seeing each other pass by even though when that happens you send me texts saying how much you miss me, wishing you were with me, and how you hate that you cant have me. (even though its all your fault.) you tell me how you have a feeling that i have no interest in you or that i couldn't care less if we just stop speaking but really.. that's how i feel about you and honestly, i like you way too much; i'm afraid it will scare you

it hurts knowing that in life people come and go all the time. That at any moment you will just be a memory. it hurts knowing that one day you'll just think that i was fun while i lasted but that you never wanted to make me officially yours. you'd only ask me if i was yours when we were on your bed. i want to matter more to you, more than just a text at 3 am telling me how you wish i was in bed with you and how you're thinking of me. i want texts at 7 pm saying you want me to get all dolled up to show me off at dinner. But its selfish and unfair of me to want you to see me as something more when you actually don't, but its okay, even if you would have extended your hand to hold mine i don't think we could have gone as far as i hoped for. i loved us together, i loved our connection, i loved our chemistry just as much as you did.

but i'm excited to hold a girls hand who wouldn't want to let go until its time to let go. i'm glad i haven't been careless with my heart even though i allowed your fingernails dig deep into my heart but i've finally pushed you away and now the holes are bleeding out but ill be okay. they will soon turn into scars.

next time i know not to give all of me to someone who never asked for all of me in the first place..

j.f //j.v

I was gonna write to you again
but then I remembered that you actually dont care a slight bit anymore

so I decided to grab my old pencil instead of my phone and write about you

even though I might have seemed
like I dealt with it perfectly fine like
I wasn't going to miss you
.. truthfully, I miss you deeply
and I've been drowning with the thoughts of missing you since then

but I want you to know
that I still think
you're as lovely as the sunsets
yet as deadly as the dark night

and I don't know if you remember anymore because after everything
we were or at least what I wanted us to be you always said the way I would describe things were beautiful...
that my mind was beautiful...
even that i was beautiful...

and I remember thinking I wish I can tell you how much I truly love you with you by my side because I know you wanted me to

i know i kept my feelings hidden
but when i write..
all hidden is out

what a shame though..
you wont ever read this

anyways, I want you to know
that I am happy that youve moved on
but ****** that you're not happy with me

but know that I'll still
give you my heart, even the moon since it's much bigger than I can ever be, h e l l, ill give you the whole universe even if you don't want to share it with me anymore.
j.f

I can't sleep at night
there's an emptiness in the dark
that Im trying to get a hold of
and its when you'd keep me
up till 3 am because you cared

It's been 2 months since
you found her and
since we actually spoke
but you're still in my heart and
still keeping me up late at night.
You actually expect me to forget the words, the lies you told me,
our nights, us, you.
You expect me to just pretend none of this ever happened
only because you found her and she now owns your nights

but you know why it's so ******* impossible for me to just let go of you? Because every song, every book and every movie,  reminds me of you
you ruined my favorite things and now I can't even listen to a song because I know you liked it and I would tell you i liked it because it reminded me of your words
now my favorite song is the song I hate the most

you brought me back from hell just to bring me right back in it and oh god I felt heaven for a while and it was all you, it was you, I hate you.
You ****** me up with the phrase "I like you as a friend" after everything you ever said to me I hate you I hate you I can't wait for the day I fall asleep without you in my head, without the tears in my eyes and fall asleep with a smile in my face because I know I deserve better

j.f

Ive never thought this human being can hurt an individual like myself as much as she has
i never thought she can grab my heart and crush it as if i was just the girl next door instead of her allegedly forever..
i never thought she can hurt me and make me shed tears that can fill up an empty ocean
i never thought she can give up on something that was so beautiful, full of butterflies and sweet soft smiles so easily.

I miss your smile, your heart, your gentle touch and the special pet names that would always make me blush even just 2 days before you shattered my heart

i just want you back in my arms so i can make you- you again

Oh please come back ive never been one to pray to God but oh for you? Ill pray for you in this universe and in any other universe over and over again

I hope you find happiness within yourself again
but
i just pray its with me by your side..

They say that when
you can't sleep at night
it's because someone out
in this blind world
is thinking of you

I've noticed
you've had bags
under your eyes

I'm sorry that you haven't slept

j.f

You're right she won't be beautiful forever
you'll destroy her with your acid

when you kiss every inch of her beautiful naked body
you won't be looking into her soul but the flowers growing outside

The acid of your lips will touch her flowers where each and every one of them will die and what will be left of her will be her naked soul and that's when you will begin to run away and someone else would come and start pouring water onto her garden and make her believe she is beautiful once again and when she kisses her, the acid of her lips will **** again but this time she will stay

j.f

I have secrets written down on scraps of paper thrown underneath my bed but you're my biggest I took advantage of you and how you felt when I would make you smile I made you feel like a grain of dirt in my garden and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I thought I was innocent and perfect that I could do no wrong especially to you but it was all a lie I made myself believe and you believe for so long I hate that I hurt you and I hate how I can't take any of it back I cannot stand the thought of you wandering around today or years from now thinking of me as a storm who did not do anything good but destroy it's precious surrounding I really pray that the thought of me does not pass your mind when you are sad and that I'm not pinned in the back of your mind but out of your mind I cannot stand to think that you will remember me as someone who broke you instead of someone who loved you

-something I wish she would say to me.

j.f

And the moment will end
And love will fade out
And things will get boring
And tears will be coming out
from one of us
And you might walk away from
each other and never say another word to each other but that's how it goes and that's how life is nothing will last forever and people don't last forever and things will walk out of your life like it's nothing and it's okay

But she will remember the good things you  did
She will remember how much you loved him
She will remember when you would stay up all night just to comfort him
She will remember all the times she was sad and you would be the first person she would talk too
She will remember when you would be there for her when no one else was around
And she will remember the small things a lot longer

And years from now she might remember how happy she made you
might remember your laugh for 3 seconds and it will go to the back of her mind again and she will smile
Smile for as long as she can remember your hair and your laugh and your voice but it will all be gone again
But everything you ever did for her or tried to do will be pinned in the back of her mind
She will remember how honest you were and how deeply you affected her
She might not remember your name but she will remember how that unknown person made her feel

but now there is nothing else left
no more of that love he will just remember your happiness when you were together and he will be happy and think if you have found happiness again

And you know what? That's all that really matters at the end

I finally saw you again after 34 days
and
in between those 34 days
I strongly believed I was over you
but then I saw you
                 I remembered
how all your imperfect flaws made me fall for you                        
                 I remembered
how you made my stomach fill with
little
      colorful
           meaningful
                    butterflies
                  I remembered
how your words made my heart melt like wax
and then
                  I remembered
that I'm not actually over you

j.f

I'm beginning to think that at any moment you will finally walk out on me, and if you do you're giving up on someone who is willing to do anything for you, who will give up on life just to make you happy. The only thing I want, is to be with you. If I was able to hold your hand for the rest of my life or even just hear your voice and see you smile, I wouldn't stop loving myself. I want to tell you every second how much you mean to me, because no one has ever meant more. I would want to be able to feel your skin, help you and make you smile, if only you would just let me.

j.f

I should have known that
when you said I was the moon and
you were the stars

that the moon is soon replaced by the sun

j.f

i know the day i finally catch you i will say no words but kiss those lips of yours even if i make a mistake and kiss someone who by far isn't you but at least then i can finally replace you

j.f

Satan is not this red guy
with pointy horns coming out of it's head
holding a pitchfork with it's left hand
he's just a beautiful soul
misunderstood
and
mistaken as an evil creature

j.f

You seem like you
would taste like a
thousand different girls
like you would
feel like the sunlight when
it's 20 degrees outside

you ate hearts like
the wave eats the shore
which now makes me
under the waves
feeling the coldness of the water
not being able feel the warmest of your heart and now I'm washed away like every other wave you have swallowed

j.f

I fell in love with the way
      he slowly started
falling in love with me
      but when It all stopped
it didn't matter
       I was still falling for him

j.f

1) you know you left your favorite pair of underwear at my house, do you want to come and get them?
2) i miss you more than I miss my home
3) you're like a part of me that left and I really want that part of me back
4) you use to call me beautiful, I looked at myself in the mirror, said those words, cried softly because it wasn't your voice
5) i miss your voice running through my skin
6) remember all those times you would call me and tell me you miss me? How come you don't do that anymore?
7) i hugged this tall boy and it reminded me of how you would slouch to hug me, I smiled so widely I was as happy as I was when I was with you
8) the boy next to me smells like you
9) my brother came home and your name slipped out of his mouth or it sure seemed like
10) i miss you.
11) i saw you staring at me and when I went to smile you turned away
12) it got me sad like how when you told me you didn't like me
13) remember that time you kissed me? And you said you hope it doesn't change anything? You lied
14) it's been almost 4 months and my lips still ache your touch
15) i wish you were here
16) we were never in love but oh boy, how we could have been

j.f

It's been 3 months since we last spoke, really spoke.. not just guilty hellos and scattered goodbyes when the clock hits 11
and just like that, you decided to say that we were just friends when you knew we weren't
we couldn't be after what we used to be and my heart shattered like the vase I had on my delicate hand when you said you don't know if you love me anymore

i told you I still had feelings that haven't quite gone away yet and you kept quiet

you had always told me how one day you pictured walking up to me telling me about your day with a sweet smile saying that you will forever love me

you were the only thing that ever kept me as a whole and just so quickly you became the only thing that kept me empty

j.f

I just want somebody who wants
to ******* mind at 3 am
who doesn't get annoyed by my jealousy and by me texting them
in all caps when I'm happy and
texting them 6 times in a row
someone I can walk with at the park
and stay 5 hours on the swings
just laughing and talking about anything that pops up onto our minds
somebody who isnt afraid to catch me when I fall for them
I want someone who
kisses my forehead
holds my hands and
never wants to let go
I want someone who knows me
inside and out and
knows what I'm thinking just
by glancing at me
someone I can sing along
to the radio with
someone who chooses me over anyone else and doesn't think twice about it

I just really want that to be you

j.f

Tricked myself into loving an image I created
someone I
    wanted you to be
and now
            I'm here leading you on
which is not only breaking you but me
it's not me being selfish
    because
I care about your happiness more than mine
but I think
    it was only to apologize for trying to change you into something you're not
and I don't want to leave you
    because I feel like you need me
but I got to think of my happiness too
and I'm not sure if that means I'm in love with you
or
  just

pitiness

j.f

I don't want somebody else
knowing how your eyes seem to glow when the sun stares
to know how it feels to
           put their head on your chest and feel your calm heart beat

I don't want somebody else
who's eyes seem to glow when the sun stares
           and to lay on their chest knowing it isn't you

I don't know what i want

I don't know what will be worse either

having someone else
                                                                       or
you loving someone much more than you ever loved me

j.f

all these goosebumps
that once laid on my arms
from your sweet words
became a hatred i wish i had upon yourself
i always said i had to forget about you
just move on but how can i forget you?
you make my heart beat in a way it never has
you made me believe in love for the first time
and how love hurts
how it doesn't feel like how you feel
when you watch a romantic movie
i would walk 30 billion miles just to be
touched by you
i would cut off my lips just to prove to you
that no one else would be touching them
oh, how i want you
oh, how much i think i need you
but i'm still staying no matter the pain you give
i'm sorry i make you angry
i'm sorry i make you confused
about how love is suppose to feel
i can't say you don't do the same
i love you
i wish i did later
maybe even earlier
maybe not even at all

i hope you know that
even though we are out of love
i still think about you when the sky is
crying at 4 a.m. thinking that maybe
the sky misses you too
i also hope you know that
when the sky is shining bright at 8 a.m.
that you will always be the first thing
i think about
when i wake up

j.f

What I don't understand is why you think
I'm such gold and treasure
I'm not as special as you think
I'm not the girl you think I am
I'm just a girl who yet needs to learn how to love herself before she can ever love anybody else

You believe you're in love with
                                                        who I am
                                         what I am
but you're just confused
just as I'm confused
with the love you think you have for me
I find it beautiful how someone can think they're in love with me
                          the idea of me

You believe you're in love with me because
of the way
           I listen
the way
                         we share the same opinions
but some opinions aren't correct for others just like you and I are for each other

I know a boy can never love me
as much as you love me
and I know where the future holds with me saying    
     "I should have taken him when he loved me"
but it is for the best and all I can say is thank you for loving me when no other boy          can

I don't know how to end this poem
just as
                I don't know how to end your love for me

j.f

You fixed me
when I brok
                      e
took all the pain away
saved me from drowning

you also broke me
and all the pain came flooding back
but I didn't know how to swim
and this time you didn't come to save me

j.f