I realized that I didn't actually love you
I only loved how you made me feel
and
who you were
but I was young
and
I thought that the way you made me feel
was love
the way you would
     listen to me
hear me
and
     promise me things  
you were like the petal and I was the rose
and
just like the petal
you soon started to die
and
eventually f
                      a
                         d
                             e    
                                                             ­                                       away

you lied to me and broke your promise
when you said you'll never leave
I lied when I said "I know"

because look at us now
you're at your house
  laughing
and
  talking
like I was never in your life
I'm here
  laughing
and
  talking
like you never were in my life
and
after all I actually think I'm going to be okay

j.f

i am not in love with you
i'm in love with the way you talk
the way your mind quite works
the way you get things the way you want
the way you say you love me

and i know it sure does seem like i am
with the way i just wrote about yourself
       and the words i wrote with this blue pen
            is actually who you are

but sadly, those are things you're making me believe you are
i'm just in love with the image you made of yourself
and whom you want to believe you are

and frankly, that is the worse way to make someone love you

j.f

You're so beautiful with the red full lips
         big curly dark hair  
                 pale white skin
how you say things
that you read from your favorite book
how you stare
                and admire
the moon when it shines in the dark

But why is it that
I can't just concentrate
at those perfect details anymore
But concentrate deeply
at those rigid wrists of yours
notice perfectly
how every horizontal cut is slowly
stopped at the end
because you were too scared to mark
another secret  

I always wonder what happened
to such a beautiful girl?
what is your story?
why is it that you grab a blade
to make gaps on your wrists
to print scars on your skin for a life time?

and I always wonder
that if you knew about
how much I thought of you

if you would stop

j.f