□ Go upon an immediate realization
□ That a life with you is to learn to live with me
□ I don't am high for selfish reasons I hide, even if I know what it must be like,
□ Beaten up twice, sealed up too tight
□ All I'm failing to ask is,  I won't make it this third time baby
□ You can break me so much worse,
□ Meaning just a fraction of my life lived without,  the purpose that you give me, cause you are just like a midnight sentence pardon and if only just accepted, didn't find out if I go up or I go down?

Meaning just a fraction of my life lived without,  the purpose that you give me, cause you are just like a midnight sentence pardon and if only just accepted, didn't find out if I go up or I go down?

Choose.
by: Jack R. Fehlmann

Herald this golden new
Era in which We
The whole of Us
Side be side sharing
A culmination of such
limitless these Wiser ways of living
Sustainable priorities possible
Be Mindful with methods
and practice love, patience
Usher in A place for all
For all at long last
time is and is yet
present, A gift, treasured existence
disrobe this, our making
manifesting greedful, peril
A day is soon to pass
Dangerously proportionate
As upon such precipice
Not seen for lack of remembering
Forseen and fortold
Today or tomorrow
Forever in the balance
Choose.

It could be, eyes see differently.
That I might not appreciate the same view?
If it is a gaze, fixed, at a distance,
focused on the impossible,
maybe?,.
Or thought, fought inwardly about?,.
Out of reach, league, or,..
Better without?
What the heart stays chained to,
Tethered secretly,
and at great distance,
though to step out?,.
Of the safe places,
out of clear evaluation, a secret,
admiration,..
Dreamed about, infatuated and unspoken,
outside of dreams that are intoxicated, provoked,
streamed and called by the heart,..
Its habit of longing,
watching, imagining,..
the, oh, sensation,..
the simple locking of hands,..
oh, the, shared smiles and confessions with no verbalization.
true love, of two souls, who,...
somehow vibrated in tune,..
out of devine planning, or intervention, if not, at random.
But such, could, never happen for me,..
not lucky enough.
But, am, or will,..
just might.
only if,..
I, Step out?
shed loves shaded shadows, obscurity,..
offering clearly, in front of,..
be the center of that one's unknowing realized,..
be there, I,..
in their laymens yet, appreciative gaze.
becoming focused, dare to and dance,..
not to hint, none less then truthful, the words you use,
have but to let your heart, its knowing,..
express what it wants,..
and, then,...
finally,..
be free of this,..
the unknowing.
Clearly hidden from view, can,.. confront,..
Shall, demand,.. unknowings end.

I am, can be...
Not right here,
And not right now...
Much more than I've ever
owned up to.
I can be above even the lowest
Those are moments
And those moments are down there.
I will continue to climb.
Ahead to the very top of
The mountains of my life.
To the greatest of beyonds
Well above my lowest lows
So much higher than right here.
Live my life, doing right in my life
I will climb from the dark to the light.
I will, I am, I will climb.

If you look at me now,
See how I appear so small,
Crawled back up here from hell,
Were you dropped me off.
I am thirsty from the heat,
And the effort I put out,
Just to make to this place,
Above hopeless and lost,
Feeling a fraction better,
No where near the man I was,
Partially because I will not,
Open myself back up,
I’ve experienced a sort of trauma,
Dealt with loss the best I can,
Developed into this man,
Looking upward from the bottom,
Seeking the right way up,
Until I finally reach the summit,
See the sunshine,
Feel its warmth,
At last a healthy human being,
That’s not afraid of love.
Climbed this far,
For myself.

Right now, hesitant
Barely able to remember
Back and forth
This inner debate goes
Who is losing
What is the point of winning
I simply struggle
These thoughts of mine
Epiphanies, life changing
If I could only make tangible
Cause when I think
It seems clouds are my thoughts
Brought down briefly
Before drifting away once more
To play and my head leads the way.

Brilliant rays no longer
The night has devoured all color
No moon to remind one of Sol
Only muted ambient blues and purples
Stars spy us as a star from afar
Crickets song battles silence
Most fall off to fantastic inner visions
While seemingly I alone
Watch from a window the monochromatic
So much like the mind I find
When in the deeps of depression
The sun will come
I know, but no colors with it
Unless I force my eyes to see them.

Owning only stolen air,
I function, uniquely
To gently own the unseen
Felt feelings, I look to master,
The tiniest remnants,  tattered
Torn and misappropriation rule
Fantastic forbidden fragment
Fall into hell, held, unshared
No podium,...
no  speaker,...
nor a crowd, of any sorts stirring
Aggitating,  aggrieved masses
slaves in their blissless mindset

Eyes seem less caught by
My own though constant desires
Variables could not deduce
Could be its me? Changed
As all before and all around
Less youthful and wanted
Grey hair and lines meeting corners
Of my eyes i view the world with
Poor me.  I had so many choices
I thought betrer was coming
I thought not rush give it time
I did with ignorant youthful abandon
more and more
As it went by only as fast
as the day
The month
The years... Years....
Looking half heartedly
Being picky and choosing rarely
Giving too much to the ones chosen
What if the one
My ever after better half
Walked by or one of them was the one
And i foolishly did little to try?

You,... flew away
tempted but one day after
to ruin,... less solid ground
crumbling to leave me
then this labrynth
all of its walls, memories
Vinegar and wine, salt and water
rain from cloudless heights
desert vistas, tear drops
forgiveness
what of you and I?
Over, gone, done, forgotten
why can't i?
asked in lonesome reflection
countless times.

Creating,
Is me affirming.
Uniqueness,
Though to no gain
But ego.
A bandaid,
Over being
Less,
not achieving,
More.
Never,
Good enough.

Nothing remains new
       He told himself
Alone, even now, again
      Once great roads
In and at the end after all
       Lead him here
A crossroad of change
        Named Let-go
Or Die-alone-forgotten

Ask Me how many?
How many faces I see,..
Within one heart?
crowded inside indeed.
I will do questionable math,
An unexplainable equation.
Cypher the many seen,
To the sum of but two only?
I will answer there are two,
From what once was just one...
Ask me to explain my findings?
See the others?  They asked nicely,
to be left out of my curious findings.

Put to flame
Melted
Changed for abuse
Taken in, to be let out
Used to get through it
put through unclean waters
where a little still remains
invisible solution
to motivate an escape
left to air and found again
desperate and at hand
funneled to the tool
to kiss a flame
less but more than nothing
this cycle of abused use
continues until new
then to be put through this
again, and again, and again.

It is all I have and it won't do
Presently just a mast and myself
Bailing with detached Feelings
As the vessel slips from view.
The blue waters represent the demands
The weight of the responsibility
My expression is out of place
Instead of determination and despairation
I'm staring off, hugging the mast
One hand bailing to pour right back to the sea.  
The mast slowly slipping from grasp,
Me, failing to save a sinking ship, myself or even to stay true to the bottom.
What is wrong with me?  I need to correct these detached Feelings before everything, me, everything comes to ruined.

She
Sheds love.
Void of emotions;
Me
I love with all my heart
Foolishly old fashioned.
My time is not,
Made of the ways I face each day.
I am not built
Nor am I okay with throw away love.
But she,
I saw her change.
Just a flip of a switch
And she walked away.
Differences.

All these things,
the ways you make me feel
forgotten so long,
safe for so long,
You, seem to be perfect
seamlessly becoming important
and I am eagerly open
willing to see, to dare
feelings I've kept away
but now, with you,
for some reason I want them
You make me smile,
the real kind, to the eyes
and those eyes make time for you
right now is so comfortable
and I do, I want to know...
where this is headed,
I want to... and that is new
frightening and enticing
wondering if you feel it
you seem to, you seem real
I have to trust you,
and that isn't easy... for me
but for you, for this,
what it may or may not be
I am willing, I will, I do
I put my trust in you
please understand the importance
Swore once, never again
then I met you, and I feel,
I see, I think, differently
Thank you

Once I let someone into
my very small circle
The chosen few I choose
Then do I feel and understand
On unspoken levels
They the very small circle
A part of you are not
No... You are with me
Dancing around
directly in the middle.

I, when not in motion
Dread being caught in such state
For it is then that my words
And stagnant truths
Do so collect around me
Reminding, all my thoughts
Passed attempts do pool
All progress seems useless
As the lack of purpose continues

Do these waters grow thicker
Efforts then slow as I thrash about
Desperately in search of distraction
As my means of moving on.
Repressed as this is I know
It saves me from drowning
Beneath these pools
my thoughts and closure
Being without you

I leave my door open
Not a little, no
all the way for you
But you won't come
You are about you
No one else
As are these tens of tens
Thousands of moments
You were everything
Piled at the threshold
Asif I cannot force out
Page after page of
My hand drawing cursive
While your face haunts
Holds my attention
So I wait, pathetic and
Patient, one day,
Maybe you'll read them.

I have this dream...
   In which I am a wanderer

Dark streams,
   Of murky water
      Washing over...

No moon, nor stars
   Do force any boundary
      Eaten completely

Pitch Black, Empty
   The sky above

No means by which
   To measure this
      The endlessness of time

Here is only the cold
   Only the unforgiving
      Currents flowing

            Life’s murky waters

Endless, forever,
   pouring

Out of control
   Constantly pulling

            My head slips under

Tired of fighting
   I learn to let go

Sinking beneath ever more
   Towards darkness
      Inescapable abyss
         To unknowns below
      Into the resting place
   To life’s secret
The true meaning of it all

   Letting go, I give myself
      I am welcomed back home
From where we come
   we all will go,...
            Home.

Because it is easier
to tell myself I will never have again.
And to close that part of life
with imagined hope for what was.
Because hurting once was enough.
yet, knowing for too long following
a sense of never being enough
and viewing each day since as proof
of such.  
Truthfully, the more difficult is this
life lived closed and guarded
knowing what isn't coming back
knowing, and choosing to live
accepting a sorrowful loss
cause it is easier than moving on.

My few words fell down
So, so heavy to the floor
contrasting, somewhat
Lacking any intent
Effects of such beauty
ruining the best of me
taking the breath
before it can be used
She never hears my attempts
Effects of such beauty.

only a half truth,
. . . . . the practiced words
. . . . . . . . . . .  We say.

We. . . . . .
. . . . . . . the wicked,
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and corrupt.

The DISEASED,
. . . . . . . . and ADDICTED.

With words
. . . . . . . .  we find
. . . . . . . . . . . . .  why's
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  that we weave.

half truths. . . .  
. . . . . . . .  with excuses.

. . . . . . . . . . . empty apologies. . . . . . . . . . . .

Deception
. . . . . . .  eases this guilt
. . . . . .  where
. . . . . . . . . ownership is needed.
It was me.
. . . . . .  I'm sorry.

. . . . . . . . . . . I AM sorry.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This IS me!

. . . . . . . . . . . . empty apologies. . . . . . . . . . .

A hundred words
simply cannot.

Not nearly enough.

My love,
It is yours alone.

Unlike anything,
every waking thought.

Yours,
and filled with so much.

This connection ,
affectionately beats in time.

Mine in my breast answers
as if called upon.

Never changes.

As I sit and write
or read sad words so perfect

As to fit, or mirror like reflect
every written poem

Unanswered
as if unread, unheard

You may never
Know in fact how lost I've become

How complete
Desperately in love

One alone must
such as I do even after

Must...
Endure

I am not this vessel
I am fluid that will one day evaporate.
This vessel is half full.
And days seem hotter
Draining more and more
Until it rains again to fill it.
Then that fluid will do as I do.

Even If & Ever After

Even if...
we don't last.
I know I will,
love you
Clear through,..
ever after.
Even after,
ever isn't in you.
I know this
about myself,
even if...
I struggle to understand
my gift, curse,...
the way
of my nature.  
Ever after...
with or with out...
My thoughts are on you.

The day is bended
Blended by monotony
humdrum foot steps
Upon the heel of then
The view is aging
A translation in spectrum
Burnt tasting inhalation my
The world aflame
As always we
All face away

All the combined parts of me
Agree that there might be something.
A new view on old ways same wants
Only part of me wants all at once
Another is any amount will do
The frightened part says caution
While my trusting part in me
already forgave you
There are areas of ego
Shallow as they can be
The combined whole of who I am
Who I was, who I want to be
All of them missed you.

When I may,
Weightless,
Devote my all
velvet - like,  
Oblivious
Tangerine, Mars black,
On  a blue twilight
Expresses true feelings
Inner workings,
All ME!
ME ME ME!..
Not this world,
This throw away love
Each soul a benevolent
Yet broken, ignorant
Programed to slave
Waste, live in now
Forget everything else

You have no understanding
of how often
Unspoken;
These, my musings
thwart the rhythmic crumbling
of my heart.

how brief; between

these lulles; awaken
a result not unlike
heaven igniting

lightning; Arcs out
impressive warnings such

Turmoil impending

As are your storms borne
frequent and every memory
thoughts often; a steel rod,...

You were my sky;
filling my lungs with life

Fuel to my beating heart…

now crumbling

And,.

without. hollow.

You.. were,..

everything right.

"EYES JUST LIKE MINE"

Eyes just like mine,
Sharing tears,
Just on the other side,
of the bathroom mirror.

Eye to eye weeping,
expressing the need to be,
To feel, to see,
Eyes just like mine,
Sharing tears.

A beat behind the first rays
Of a sun that beacons me
Foretelling of a day
That day has come already?
Now rise I tell myself
At best half heartedly
My shell, aches, acts automatically
Giving the helmsman precious seconds
To toil, to toil, on to back breaking.
To toil, to toil, beneath the sun
To the fields, to the heat, for coin
And for food to eat.
I stand and stretch, following my feet
To toil, for the imaginary proof
Of currency, that I might live,
And I might eat, beneath a roof
Upon a world, that made me.
I get up and I face the day.