The cat eyes the person that delivers the food.
Never questioning if they might not one day.

This is all I needed from you.

My eyes take in the chaos
The amounts are staggering
In every aspect of my life
It's as if I've invited disorder
Everywhere it collects
And I can't find reasons to fight
It's as if I've fallen apart.

Fall Away days

swallowing change after change

for we're both still here



you're just so far away

What if beds weren't for falling into
What if instead, we kick off the ground
Start to rise, lifting ourselves,
We glide and fly up to slumber on a cloud.
From the noise, and the demands of life
The very results of the choices we've summoned
We no longer fall from exhaustion
At the end of our ropes, drained and uninspired
to toss and turn and hate the world itself

Imagine away, now imagine the way
From here to reflection,
Nothing undone is not worth attempting
Undreamed, only once
Envisioned and visited by this cloud


In a world that consumes
RewaRd is its own retribution
Abuse can forgotten
Close you eyes and liberate oneself

Calibrate the beating heart
Upon such scale so precise
As that which fate's gaze
In time, endlessly exacting
Takes, takes, knowing
Not caring, it takes
Right until a heart does beat
It's ending....


And then,..

no more.

In my years labelled: "Not-A-Child"
though, barely 20 full cycles of the earth and sky.
Then, full of abandon, and unlearned consequential
Eager to prove my amplitude and unbreakable daring.
Incapable of any end I did not myself proscribe.
So foolish.  So innocently ignorant and short-sided, aye.
hand over hand my life was gambled,
never looking down, not a thought how increasingly far it was.
Only my next hand hold, the hardest route I could own
Eyes only on the summit, mind firmly lost to ego
Pulling my weight from an over-hang, as if nothing special
I stood on that precipice, laughing and moved proceed ever higher
when a simple bit of gravel, a few small pebbles proved
how foolish and childish my ways until that slip had been
one foot, my legs, my stomach next
elbows next, then the hit to my chin
all while my childish, desperate hands failed
finding no proof of my skill, only abrasions were earned
looking up to the point of my end
I thought of my mother first, then family, friends
I relived insignificant child memory moments
hearing my words in my own head:
What have I done?  Because of Me, they will hurt.
Because of this decision, I will cause them to mourn.
And I felt it just before my legs did...
That moment when, my youthful spirit was dead
and adult lessons, real life, or death consequences
as my ankle first, exploded result of 40 feet of free fall,
closely followed my wrist, my knee, part of my front tooth
and finally the sickening crunch of my right eye socket
that brought with it, black, deep nothingness
Jarring, scrapping my inner balance all directions
though no thought of this made any sense, as I must be dead.
but I found no light, no tunnel.  
No angelic form to welcome my spirit.
Opening my eyes I saw the new world as never before.
One eye at least, that is.  
But that lesson stuck.  And I realized how sweet
and incredibly fragile this thing called life is.
I became aware of the importance and responsibility being loved and loving really is.

That was how I grew up.  That was the moment I was no longer just "a kid".

Few words

Hurt worse

Be they used

Be they not

Few words

Hurt

either way.

I have struggled
Words fail where hurt threatens inspiration.
See I'm without you baby
It fell apart and the teeth came out
Caught barely of guard
Entirely confused though
See I really thought we had it good
Stupid as I can be about letting you know or investing efforts too late
Baby, you're gone.

It wasn't always such
As to be easily unwanted
Just as desires
Missed chances put out
Egotistic fires.

I am one that can be selfish
Lost in my heart, made of thought
Strung, twisted and knotted
Pulled, drawn tight inward
That in itself, is a little different.

Seeking, feeling about
The notion of being able
only to be, one who is
I have no grasp as of yet
as to how, Why
I'm in the world made through vision
my life, my doing?
I struggle to communicate
This isolated voice within
With no reason
other than to be alone,
no more a good life  
I know I am of countless
But I speak alone
Hear no one as they too
Are bound within fleshly prisons.

Hello, Folly.  

What shall I do today?

Okay.

Thank You Folly.
With out you...
Things may change.

Worse, they stay the same.

With you Folly,
One tries anyway.

I've built these things
As distraction from the
State of my being
Blinded

Allowed for such waste
Collected as if cherished
Now as I am daunted
Set to the task
Disgusted

What made me this way
To choose without knowing
To let slip the standards
To live and not hide my needs
So much filth now
I am shocked by
The thought that
This is me.  

No longer.
I own it to change

So suddenly, certainly, the certainty
Itself, as it was does seem to vanish.
It had been... Had it not?.. Been.
Real as the hidden clauses, was it not love?
Contingent upon unfaultered perfection, love offered
Promises given, whispered and offered in acts and,
In written words poetically dedicated and surrendered.
Known to be as it holds a cadence it, this, unspoken unobtainable and loafty demand that nothing less,
No hint of weakness or need of any but your own be shown.
At pain of loss, at loss of stature and withdrawal of unproven unconditional love whispered across those infuriatingly
And unforgettable lips I know I do and will and forever still promise to, try after, cry over forever to fail for, you, yours, our love. As I know no want no need, no other will be mine, as it seems neither are or will yours be mine... Love.
As human and imperfect and made of lesser things than the stone you desire, I am destined to fail, every attempt I make at being perfect.

I am a man, made to look
Memories splinter and fracture
Glass in a window,  brittle
Falls to pieces crashing down
Places,  spaces therein between
Beneath they are crushed
Made smaller and countless
Rushed and carried all over
By busy feet do they arrive
Where peddles golden blooming
Bursting brilliance into heaven
Above us is always blue
Clear,   forever, ending

A shadow hides beneath
at the zenith as it reaches
the smallest projection
of how the gods must view me.

In either way, two horizon lines
One is from which I've made my way
My yesterday's and every scene I've seen
To this brief hesitant moment between
I which my place of reflection plays
Ahead are the days unknown to me unplayed
What lay in wait for me there?
The moment ends as time again my master
Another moment to mark such acceptance
Better i face what is to come than pretend at any way to change or revisit those of my yesterday's as this cannot be done.

So much of the day,
countless faces never witnessed
some heavy and full of resentment
others too childish to get far
all of their quarks and complexities
but they are not all dark and mean
Not every face is too busy to grin
if you watch closely you see the humor in
the smiling ones, and the ones that are laughing
all of those funny little faces.

in the future we will... I promise
seeking control in chaotic times
close we hold the hardest parts
denying the wind rides endless
that rumors ride Amongst night
her breath, leaving pleasantness
scenes so genuine in their fictions
fighting whispers as the hunt and haunt
alarming the quickness ones name
rhythm and random design, brilliant
blame consumes and never plays fair
so much for champions and ever after
daybreak of one's life is bitter and unfair
to learn that you're hardly ever right
only a price that is layered, leaning
combining to the pile around it all
madmen urge us to repent before we fall
smaller and smaller we begin to feel
as indeed we are, little less than nothing
time collects all, and everything else forgets

The fainted notes of told you so
Across parched and brokened lips
Smile so buried As if to never afflict
While dry eyes blink buying time
To confess or bargain degrees of neither for nor relations I alone go
For I am no loss, no second soul

The morning arrives as it does
While I sip and process the state.
Weather holds, my day is filling
With some good, other less things.
I process those and recognition comes

Good morning Shade.  Another visit today?
My hand reaching for the bottle of pills.
I am quite alright without the need or the want, to focus on the negatives.  But negatives and I securities, they are all you ever bring with you.  If I do not entertain your notions and paranoid delusions, you cause trouble or increase the imagined problems until I succumb.  And I stay inside, safe as you say while my life and my responsibilities become really are in tatters when I'm once again free of you and your depressing methods.  I will not play this circular game.  To you I say good day.  As I take the pill and affirm you away.

here we have these hands
appendeges that have untold abilities
when paired up to the whole of the mind
Hands, Heads, and then there are our ways
the ways that we hand burdens down
a legacy since the first IOU was wrote
inheriting more and more and more
each parent buried a little less than their son's
heir daughters, and grandchildren
and for what?  In pursuit of money we have
accomplished amazing feats, as well we have
killed untold millions for far far less reasons
all for personal gains, no choices given
its the way that it is, "always been this way"
But people, we have stood on the MOON...
We've built from nothing, our need to know
to grow, but adopted these natural gifts to bad reasons
money motivates, but survival of our species matters more
We are only as valuable, worth measured in generations
we've done things all wrong, and we are almost found wanting
and starved, diseased, washed, burned, or frozen
to the point of no return, its the sum of our reasons
they are wrong, and selfish, and misthought about
we do the good, for the good and no other reason.

in the sunshine of midthought
flavors both sweet and bitter ****
the shipping inward memories of...
you.
idol hesitant, rough, resilient
resists an urge winking
if it were games, vacation hell Is not
to remember, to climb in time
today you've moved on
goodbye
always have those years
sometimes



I wish you were here
other wise I'm happy and others I could care less learning to love me for me I guess to open up now when I'm so hard to love my defenses allow if even partly on guard it's all or nothingso I give it another go and she damaged like me but beautiful and I know I love her I think I do but she doesn't know how to return it

There is a saying;
'You remember only
what you want to remember.'
I remember the way
Sunlight played inside
Her beautiful green eyes.

I see signs
In myself, my mind,
Thoughts and inner dialog.
Often unequal in measure
The encouraging worlds inside
Are given less and less time.
Thoughts thick with tar-like
Nature cling to more and more.
Sticky and persistent, jet black negative
And I consciously fight not to concede.
Grasping, groping, trying desperately
To counter and believe
I am better.  But am I?
The reasons I need, need to keep
Are difficult to find and the line is ever closer.
Signs too common are frequent
Tears that I realize I am crying ?
The calm voice within that speaks of an end.
I banish again and again to no end.  
I've made and am a mess of a man
And I tire of the fight.  Again signs I'm...
Bitter, afraid, and finding that I am to blame for all that I have not in this world.  This tiny life of struggle and bad choices.  Of pushing out before hurt or hurting.  I have accomplished only being missed by none.  Two steps from completely and utterly alone.  And I've felt so all alone to think that there comes yet even farther down is... Not in me. This depth is my limit, anymore and all deals are off.  So I sit and I struggle.  I write, and know I need to find someone I can talk to.  If I will? As I know deep down I must ... Has yet to be seen.  
As if a part of me just doesn't want to.   Growing Whilst Falling Apart is all I'm doing.
If you've read to this end, thank you.  For listening.  I x

Something,  Someone;
Worthwhile,  Special
Above all undeserved
of negative intent, thought...
Action...  Had not wanted;
To hurt, to be assaulted.
I was relearning then
No simple task,  a decision
I wanted,  oh I did so dangerously.
Capablity in means of measure,
Fell short,  too little, too inconsistent.
So much,..  All there was to give.
I was unpracticed, crude
I had not wanted whats become
Torn apart, insulted, in pieces
For fear of worse I go
With regretful heavy heart
It is for the best

Had not wanted for you
But for you to be happy
Be happy love,
Please know...
I never meant to hurt
or cause you harm.  
I really did love you.  
You should too.

Laying naked
Just beside, intertwined
Panting,  smiling,  lieing
another accomplishment of mine
To have it,  take it, ruin
Something so precious as a body
Another meat machine with needs
Deseases,  urges, weakness
Wanting only the fleshy salts and juices
I ****** you,  now you are...
Unless,...
So now if i grab your hair
I, confess these dark lustful urges
Beg, coherse, guilt work
Saddness then there is anger
Hurt,  and insecurity
Childish fear is that as is darwin's
To *******,  filling the vessel
To do as promised,  programmed,  built
So that when i am caught,
My life over and the gurney beneath
Shall an invisible piece remain.
But honestly,  right now...
I am arroused and you can feel it
Open your mouth,  i too gladly taste your fluids
I promise,  our secret,  just one time...
Penetrated and found it lacking
Spine,  self control,  or courage not to trade morals
right then, right there
I had you.

These stars shine and though less enticing
Still sparkle as ground bound fail to incline.
Some.  Not all.  Not every.  Not I.  Not tonight.
I appreciate honest. Frequently I do.
And, admit.  Admire. Fathom so far! Yet more so ancient! Awed by their presence twinkling any other time countless.  incredible and caught in their conundrums throughout my small, small, insignificant mind.  But tonight I am inward.  Where does such an equal space as that of high now occupy as this hollowness and lack I feel within.  So very missing.  Held Hollow and unable to see anything else but my lonely heart in which none do light.

Endless, outside of Time's eye
Have like mine, the twisted inner wards
flickered to near nothing against
Like such as those, yours
Another's pressing, persistence
of inner dialog, thrumming a longing note.
Such a note that haunts the mind
so it owns all want, every delight
each and every night it calls
coming.
each and every time until my ache
and the need of one's heart to heal
are never given the time.
Time it seems, never see how hard I've tried.

We, are one in the same
Now aren't we?  
Separate only behind
finger smudged glass
As together we seek
Likes or reread our writes
Eye to eye we try and try
To save the other
Writing to right wrongs
Felt inside most every night
Hello to you my reflection
What will we try this time
Will it be liked?

At a glance and without knowing
I contribute more of this mind.

Sincerely hoping not to flounder out
Into another wasted moments of others

To be judged and found unworthy
One line, two thoughts three at most

Here it is folks,
Another failed attempt.

first her words seem off the mark, they were painful regardless people words do hurt and you **** it very nice they ruin you forgetting pride so I had no choice I shouted I lied I use damaging words with false purpose

Awoke today,
    a stranger's face
Staring back
    in a familiar way...
Mirror Glass,
   Smiling,..
Should I smile back?...
   Or shoo away all new,
again today,
   all I long to be?

Familiar lines traced
   lead with glimpses back
Reminding the child I used to be...

Upon light so intense
   time's winning hand
casts me back,
   Out played I fold
No fire and no flame
   Just an ember left...

A Long forgotten man
   Awoke today,
a strangers face
   who i want to be.
He looked at him,
   I looked at me
And He asked questions:
  
   Do I ever decide?
Did You like my chances?
   if ever there could be,

Him?..
  
    He?..

           Me?

You're on my mind
Again
Won't You come love
Sick of crying
Turn these eyes
Away
Blankly stare at today
Vacantly losing
Now
Motion dealing
Lifes chaotic place
Wasting
From down inside
To the empty
Feeling
Cannot cause this
is the ache
Wanting
Yesterday again
The impossible
emptiness
You are so far
My favorite
Gone
I am differently
And I awful
soaked in ruin
Inexcusable
With memory
Caging me in
Awful
Ash grey thoughts,
You are brightly burning
embers
Across such distance
A siren's call
Just as today
This way I go on
Hoping
It end it
Welcoming
Barbed arrows
As they fall
retributionill
Last act, or may i let
Alone
only always
Words did fall
Away
I will, or
I will not
Escape this.
Maybe.

Hold it gentle
      It is so frail
Mirrored, thin, weightless
      Reflections within
Those are fleeting
      Nearly empty
They are both
      false and true
Distorted
Clearly seen
but unrelieved
maneuver the view
The lesser moments
hold them close
though shifted out of focus
blend worlds new
variant versions too perfect
Value dearly the truth
and then you
come into focus
I never do
My lesser moments

You hold fate's attention
  one day coming,
    one day leaves.
One plays
   another one,  gone
     one at a time
       one day
          another
today is tomorrow
   one day later
and today will come

And how do you...
Know me
Share the unfair
Pull invisible strings
Stir what froze solid
Question the reason
Cause upheaval
Invite pain
Bleed this soul
Use words
To know
Making me
Wish for more
To know myself