Our names identify us
Last names connect families
Names can mean leaving a legacy
Some names are fun and bubbly
Some names leave our lips fumbling
Names can spark harsh memories
Or the best moments of our lives
Names can give us a sense of belonging
Or leave us with some feeling of longing
Names are versatile
Easily changed or worn for a while
They are gifts given to every newborn child
Names are kept on each and every file
They give you your particular style
So whether you've changed your name
Or kept the one from birth
You're always just you
And your name was who you were first

Sometimes i know that in my poetry
I cant copy the lyrics i see
That as the sweet melodies wisp around my ear
I can never recreate the notes i hear.

As a poet i feel inferior
And it shakes me to my very core
But as a listener i feel superior
Because the themes are unlike any I’ve heard before

And i wish I could play more instruments
Because mine don’t always cut it
Sometimes i cant peel back that layer of reality
To see who I’m supposed to be.

the tears i felt run down my cheeks didn't feel real anymore.
every time i talked to you it felt like that last and i'm sorry that all i do is say i love you
but i can't say it enough.
i want you to know that you were always the one,
you'll always be the one.

There is a face in my mirror
I do not recognize--
blurry and dark around
the edges.
Static black and white
forms a portrait
of vaguely familiar nature.
I study closely
as it distorts
in size and distance.

A hand reaches out
and
I wonder
who it belongs to.
Tracing my eyes along the foreign limb
I see a body
I somehow feel I should know.

I close my eyes
and

f
       a
          d
                   e
                              a
                                 w
                                      a
                                                y.

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

the words that fall from their tired mouth,
comforting another breakdown.
i can see the frustration fill their face when i tell them i feel like i can't breathe,
when i tell them that it feels like the room we're in is collapsing and how it's all a metaphor for my world.
eventually i have to stop telling them when things get bad,
even though they told me to always come to them when it got bad.
they don't mean it,
they all have good hearts but the sentence
"i'm here if you ever need me."
is a lie.
they don't want to hear the series of events leading up to this point.
who am i to tell them what suffocates me when i can't sleep at night?
i can hear their laughs when i cover my sobs with my hands.
they don't mean it when they say they're here for me.
i can hear the way they sigh silently then so loud that i stop crying and my heart and soul fills with guilt.

they don't mean it when they say they'll be here when i get bad again.