you said love is hard when it's not reciprocated.
(i blinked)

you said it hurts looking at her from the outside in
and that you're tired of being on the sidelines
(i held my breath)

you told me your heart breaks a little,
when she can't take her eyes off him
yet here you are, begging God
for her to spare you a glance - just one.
(my throat tightened)

you said you're lucky to have me,
as your best friend
and i remember exactly how i faked a smile.
that smile was probably the biggest lie i ever told.

and then you asked,
"why do we fall in love with people we can't have?"
(i looked away)

"how do you handle this?"

i inhaled sharply, as i held back my tears;
**"i'll show you how."

saying you don't want to fall in love because you can't risk getting hurt is like saying you won't build houses because earthquakes exist

i wasn't ready for you
and i knew you weren't ready for me.
i was scared to show you the mess between my ribs and the hurricane inside my head. i was afraid you'd cower and run.
but they say time, time is the true narcotic for pain
and they were right.
because now i am more than willing to cut my heart open knowing it would only bleed your name
i am willing to tear every layer of my skin to show you what i'm made of.
everything that makes me, me.
my scars, my fears, my hopes and my dreams
my "night pieces" ; the pieces i only share with the moon.
i will show them all.
because i want you to know that i am not perfect
(i am tired of trying to be)
i am a storm beneath flesh and bones
i am made up of tiny cracks and holes that could never be filled
and they are what makes me whole.
i will be your biggest tidal wave.
but darling, if you accept me for everything that i am
and everything that i'm not,
i promise to love you like you've never been loved before.

i think about you. a lot. and i don't mean at cliche 2am where poets taint their hands with ink and paper cuts. no. i think about you when i look at the sun rising at 5am. when i make coffee at 6. when bon iver comes up on the radio and i tap my fingers along the tune or when i read your favorite book and on every page i search for fragments of your fingerprint. i think about you at noon. because i'd rather have your lips than my tuna sandwich. and at 2pm because you texted "i miss you" and i replied "i love you". at 5pm as the sun slowly disappears on the horizon and is replaced by a blanket of stars. i think about you at 10 in the evening when i'm alone looking at the night sky and the incandescent moon wishing i could trace your palms the way we tend to trace constellations. i think about you at 3am when i say my prayers and i whisper your name to God with a ghost of a smile. i tell Him i must have done something good to deserve you. it seems that you're stuck in my brain. heck, you're in my veins. and i don't ever want you out of my system.

i've always been scared of the unknown. but i have never felt braver than the moment i was free falling into your abyss. hands, trembling; heart, leaping out of its cage; but eyes, wide open. and they burned with a quiet determination.

the fall stripped my soul bare you could see through my insides. and in it you'd hear my heart as if it were a preacher reciting a mantra,

'I love you. I love you.'
again and again.

i've always been scared of the unknown. but this time i was brave enough to jump with eyes wide open. i knew full well that you wouldn't be there to catch me, but i jumped anyway. i blame no one but myself for my broken limbs and shattered heart. and truth be told, i would have done it again. because you are worth every fractured bone in my body.

and maybe, it doesn't have to be this way. maybe it doesn't have to hurt. but if not hurting means not loving you, then i choose to endure the pain.

because just like augustus waters said, "it's a privilege to have my heart broken by you." and for that, never again will i doubt my capacity to love.

i loved you. deeply. boundless, like the sea. i loved you. and i clung to that hoping that maybe, just maybe, you would have loved me too.